When I was contemplating sleep training my infant three months ago, I never thought we'd try to sleep train my toddler. It is just harder to sleep train a toddler who is accustomed to a certain way. We were able to get her in her own bed of course, one of us needed to stay with her or play musical beds all night long. It was a mess! We decided to hire a sleep consultant. When I first E-mailed her, I thought she'd help me with the infant. My goal: Sleep train one of them - the infant is the easier one to train - and life would be somewhat easier. The Sleep "expert" or consultant, however, had another plan. Sleep train the 2-year old, and the infant, we could train after 4-5 months of age. Well, as you have been reading, the sleep training of the toddler did not go well at all - we gave up after 8 nights and decided it was harder on our family to sleep train than to just deal with the game of musical beds all night long, everyday. So, we are back to square one. During transition back to the "way it was", our toddler slept through the night for 2 nights and now has reverted back. What took 9 days to build (and trust me, we did not build much), only took 2 nights to undo.
When it comes to sleep training a toddler, there is no magic solution. You can use Pantley, Weissbluth or any other book out there. You can even pay someone to come into your home and tell you what you are doing wrong (probably alot because you suck as parents) but there is no magic wand you can wave to get a toddler sleep trained. All you can do is exercise patience and pray and hope that one day, she will just do it on her own. For now, we are back to square one but there are two things we are taking forward that we learned from this whole experience: (1) Earlier bedtime and routine - definitely a must in our household - it is obvious with her meltdowns, that our child is truly ready for bed by 730pm and (2) She has to remain contained until one of us can get in there- that is, she does not get to open the door and wander through the home at will. She is after all, TWO!
With those two things going forward, who knows? We may all sleep in our own beds agian by the beginning of the next decade... most likely, we will continue these games well into 2011. Good night, and Good luck!
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Can't a girl just get some sleep already?
So, we have started sleep training our 2-year old - better late than never I suppose but when you start this late, you must accept some pretty harsh consequences. If you sleep train a child between 6 and 10 months, it is easier. Granted, it is never easy to hear your child crying for you from the next room over but it is easier because they cannot say your name, they cannot completely understand everything going on, and for the most part, the kids are still unaware of what is happening. Moreover, they will not remember much and training can be done within 2-3 nights. However, now flash forward to that same child at age 2 ... what a nightmare!
Our daughter is very intelligent and understands what is going on. What is worse is that she screams our names- "maama... please open door! Mamma please come here, lay down here sleep- (name) crying..." It is so sad it breaks your heart. What is worse, it breaks my husband's heart even more. She screams for him and he does not come because we cannot. We are supposed to do something called "compassionate" sleep solutions. My theory is that anything that involves this much crying does not involve compassion. Let's call a spade a spade- it is cry it out but controlled cry it out.
Why are we here if we cannot stomach it? Well, it is even harder for us to stomach playing musical beds every night. Since the infant arrived, it is harder around nap times and bed times to handle them both especially since neither can self soothe or go to sleep on their own. So, nap times and bed times are very stressful on the whole family. What is worse is that the infant wakes up to nurse almost all night and the toddler gets up several times too - so, it becomes quite the juggling act for the two of us, enslaving us to the kids. Man to man coverage is great, but what if one of us has a business trip? Then what happens? So, we are hoping for some good results from this. And if not, we figure, the alternative is not bad either- the toddler will sleep with us in the king size bed, and we will just wisen up and sleep train the infant in 3 months. For god's sake - we need just one to sleep through the night!
In the meantime, with all the sleep training going on, no one is getting any sleep in the house - not the toddler who is crying her eyes out, not the parents, and the only one who is unfazed by all this is the infant who seems to be getting sleep when she needs it :-) Good nite to all! (We HOPE)
Our daughter is very intelligent and understands what is going on. What is worse is that she screams our names- "maama... please open door! Mamma please come here, lay down here sleep- (name) crying..." It is so sad it breaks your heart. What is worse, it breaks my husband's heart even more. She screams for him and he does not come because we cannot. We are supposed to do something called "compassionate" sleep solutions. My theory is that anything that involves this much crying does not involve compassion. Let's call a spade a spade- it is cry it out but controlled cry it out.
Why are we here if we cannot stomach it? Well, it is even harder for us to stomach playing musical beds every night. Since the infant arrived, it is harder around nap times and bed times to handle them both especially since neither can self soothe or go to sleep on their own. So, nap times and bed times are very stressful on the whole family. What is worse is that the infant wakes up to nurse almost all night and the toddler gets up several times too - so, it becomes quite the juggling act for the two of us, enslaving us to the kids. Man to man coverage is great, but what if one of us has a business trip? Then what happens? So, we are hoping for some good results from this. And if not, we figure, the alternative is not bad either- the toddler will sleep with us in the king size bed, and we will just wisen up and sleep train the infant in 3 months. For god's sake - we need just one to sleep through the night!
In the meantime, with all the sleep training going on, no one is getting any sleep in the house - not the toddler who is crying her eyes out, not the parents, and the only one who is unfazed by all this is the infant who seems to be getting sleep when she needs it :-) Good nite to all! (We HOPE)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Dropping the "F" bomb
Before I became a mom, the "F" word meant many things to me but none of the "F" word variations included the word "Formula". It was more tramautic when I was a first time mom and I was first threatened with the use of the "F" word at the hospital. I was desperate to breast feed my baby and was scared of formula, bottles, or any variations there of. After all, my baby could have gotten addicted and then, I would not be able to fulfill my role as a mother and a provider of milk. What nonsense! If you attend a La Leche League meeting, use of the word "formula" may result in many opinions consuming hours of your time. Of course, I find that women on both sides are quite judgmental. Mothers in general, instead of supporting each other, end up really harming each other through judgment. Formula versus breast feeding, working versus staying at home, and the usual competitive moms too, saying things like, "my child was born potty trained or has been sleeping since he was born and has not woke up since." Things like that just make the mom who is in sheer and utter hell feel horrible. But now, back to the "F" word....
As a second timer, I realize the "F" word is actually more of an insult sometimes than a threat. I have tons of formula stocked up at home because I will be supplementing at some point - after I return to work in another month, I know there will be days where I will have to supplement but for the most part, so far, we have done well in not using much formula at all. I say that using the "F" bomb is an insult because my mother has been living with us for about 3.5 months now and did not successfully breastfeed my brother or I. So, her only experience is with formula. She recalls it very well almost daily. It was worse the first time around but has tamed a little more now. Now, she basically tells me that what I eat affects the infant. She is right. She basically tells me that breast milk is easily digested than formula- she is right. She believes giving the child a bottle versus the breast actually helps them sleep longer- she is wrong! In fact, it has been tested in our own home with both kids over and over and formula or breast milk, bottle or breast, no kid has slept decently yet. She said to me, formula is heavier and so when it hits the stomach, the baby feels full and can sleep through the night. What? Needless to say, I am tired about hearing about the "F" bomb from women who did not have experience breast feeding. I understand they can only speak from experience but science and research indicate otherwise.
Before I was a mom, the "F" bomb was something else-- now, it is formula versus breastfeeding. To all moms out there, breastfeeding does not affect your child's amount of sleep at night. Sure, things pass to them from your milk so it is important to eat well and eat right. Hydration is important too but if you decide to have one beer, or eat jalapeno's your baby will not be harmed. Whether you stay at home or work, you are a great mom and whether you can or cannot breastfeed, your child will turn out just fine. Making other moms feel bad about the choices they make does not make you or your kid better, in fact, in the long run, it just makes other wanna drop the true "F" bomb on you.
As a second timer, I realize the "F" word is actually more of an insult sometimes than a threat. I have tons of formula stocked up at home because I will be supplementing at some point - after I return to work in another month, I know there will be days where I will have to supplement but for the most part, so far, we have done well in not using much formula at all. I say that using the "F" bomb is an insult because my mother has been living with us for about 3.5 months now and did not successfully breastfeed my brother or I. So, her only experience is with formula. She recalls it very well almost daily. It was worse the first time around but has tamed a little more now. Now, she basically tells me that what I eat affects the infant. She is right. She basically tells me that breast milk is easily digested than formula- she is right. She believes giving the child a bottle versus the breast actually helps them sleep longer- she is wrong! In fact, it has been tested in our own home with both kids over and over and formula or breast milk, bottle or breast, no kid has slept decently yet. She said to me, formula is heavier and so when it hits the stomach, the baby feels full and can sleep through the night. What? Needless to say, I am tired about hearing about the "F" bomb from women who did not have experience breast feeding. I understand they can only speak from experience but science and research indicate otherwise.
Before I was a mom, the "F" bomb was something else-- now, it is formula versus breastfeeding. To all moms out there, breastfeeding does not affect your child's amount of sleep at night. Sure, things pass to them from your milk so it is important to eat well and eat right. Hydration is important too but if you decide to have one beer, or eat jalapeno's your baby will not be harmed. Whether you stay at home or work, you are a great mom and whether you can or cannot breastfeed, your child will turn out just fine. Making other moms feel bad about the choices they make does not make you or your kid better, in fact, in the long run, it just makes other wanna drop the true "F" bomb on you.
I need some sleep!
After reading several books on sleep training, nap training, and the like, I have finally decided to take the plunge and hire a sleep consultant. We were lucky enough to get a reference to a sleep consultant living right here amidts our town and so we have decided to hire her and see what she can possibly do to help. I am trying to keep an open mind but am convinced that my 2-year old is beyond training- I am convinced that my husband and I will be walking zombies for the rest of our adult lives - well, until I jump off a ledge or the kids go off to college that is.
Today, I finally got to speak with the lady we will be hiring to help us train our child to sleep - sure, the onus is on us and that lady will not be sleeping in our home experiencing our triumphs and set backs but she will be there available by phone and email. In any case, I hope the plan she develops for us works. If it does not, I may lose all hope together and decide to go ahead and jump off the tallest building in Denver- what is that building anyway? Does anyone know?
The consultant talked with me about some background information -ages, family lifestyle (i.e. do we work, stay at home, etc.), do we have a schedule for our toddler? Do we co-sleep or prefer the crib and separate bedroom? She is using all of this to hopefully help create a good plan for us. Fortunately, for us, our daughter is already getting used to her own room and sleeps there - she just needs one of us with her. Fortunately, for 28 days out of the month, our toddler is taking good afternoon naps unless we interrupt them of course. In any case, these are all good things I learned but now we work on sleep independence for her.
The consultant informed me that she does not work with infants younger than 4-5 months but that the same principles we learn for our toddler will apply to our infant in another few months and we could try it on our own. She also informed me that she has had no repeat customers. I am not sure that is good info or bad. My thoughts are people are too embarrassed or too broke to call her back :-) But in either case, there is no money back guarantee on good sleep. We will see what happens but in any case, I feel good that I am trying to take steps to get some sanity and sleep back and possibly some quiet times with my husband. Is it possible that we will have our bed back someday? I sure hope so... til then, I will soldier on the best I can and join the ranks of other walking zombies (A.K.A. parents).
Today, I finally got to speak with the lady we will be hiring to help us train our child to sleep - sure, the onus is on us and that lady will not be sleeping in our home experiencing our triumphs and set backs but she will be there available by phone and email. In any case, I hope the plan she develops for us works. If it does not, I may lose all hope together and decide to go ahead and jump off the tallest building in Denver- what is that building anyway? Does anyone know?
The consultant talked with me about some background information -ages, family lifestyle (i.e. do we work, stay at home, etc.), do we have a schedule for our toddler? Do we co-sleep or prefer the crib and separate bedroom? She is using all of this to hopefully help create a good plan for us. Fortunately, for us, our daughter is already getting used to her own room and sleeps there - she just needs one of us with her. Fortunately, for 28 days out of the month, our toddler is taking good afternoon naps unless we interrupt them of course. In any case, these are all good things I learned but now we work on sleep independence for her.
The consultant informed me that she does not work with infants younger than 4-5 months but that the same principles we learn for our toddler will apply to our infant in another few months and we could try it on our own. She also informed me that she has had no repeat customers. I am not sure that is good info or bad. My thoughts are people are too embarrassed or too broke to call her back :-) But in either case, there is no money back guarantee on good sleep. We will see what happens but in any case, I feel good that I am trying to take steps to get some sanity and sleep back and possibly some quiet times with my husband. Is it possible that we will have our bed back someday? I sure hope so... til then, I will soldier on the best I can and join the ranks of other walking zombies (A.K.A. parents).
Friday, May 08, 2009
Part of being a mom
Today, we left our 11-week old with a home care provider so that both could start getting used to each other. What an ordeal! While I know I need to do this now to get everyone ready, it is just so difficult as a nursing mother of a tiny baby to just leave her in someone else's care. What is worse is that no one knows her like I do. At least that is how I feel. Even when I went on an overnight to a city one and a half hours away, I felt unnerved because I firmly believed my husband and mother (who has lived with us for 3 months) cannot take care of her as well as I can. That may be a control-freak type attitude but nonetheless, to leave her with someone else made me very nervous today. It was even more nerve wracking when this lady called me and told me she was crying. Oh my poor baby!
Here are some of the questions that have crossed my mind every minute since we dropped her off, "how is she doing? Is she crying? Will the provider stick with the 90-minute sleep program I have followed for 2 weeks now? Will the provider know which cry is which- cry for food or cry due to discomfort or cry because she just needs assistance to fall asleep? What is my lil one doing now? Will the provider place her head up so she spits up only a little? Did she get burped after she was fed? What about the milk- did she warm up the breast milk properly? Does my baby realize where she is? Does she miss me?"
It has been a LONG afternoon and even an otherwise pleasant nap was an ordeal - needless to say, I did not nap. On a positive note, this little separation anxiety has made me appreciate my little one even more and feel closer to her. I realize how much she means to me and while we have not bonded as much as my 2-year old and I have, I realize now that she needs me so much more than the 2-year old and is so much more helpless. She cannot tell me in words what is going on like my 2-year old can. She cannot communicate effectively so I have to be more in tune with her cries. In sum, I miss her terribly and while I have come to appreciate her more, I am sad to know that the weaning has begun... not breastfeeding weaning per se but rather, the natural weaning that occurs in life when children slowly separate from their parents, and one day, leave for pre-school, then elementary, then high school, and college and get married... and yes, possibly even move further away. That realization has left me wondering if I am truly ready to "let go" of my babies. I guess, in the natural order of things, this is all part of being a parent.
Of course, the heart of a mother... well, the heart of the mother will always be tender and belong to her children. Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms out there. Whatever the outcome, you have done the best you can!
Here are some of the questions that have crossed my mind every minute since we dropped her off, "how is she doing? Is she crying? Will the provider stick with the 90-minute sleep program I have followed for 2 weeks now? Will the provider know which cry is which- cry for food or cry due to discomfort or cry because she just needs assistance to fall asleep? What is my lil one doing now? Will the provider place her head up so she spits up only a little? Did she get burped after she was fed? What about the milk- did she warm up the breast milk properly? Does my baby realize where she is? Does she miss me?"
It has been a LONG afternoon and even an otherwise pleasant nap was an ordeal - needless to say, I did not nap. On a positive note, this little separation anxiety has made me appreciate my little one even more and feel closer to her. I realize how much she means to me and while we have not bonded as much as my 2-year old and I have, I realize now that she needs me so much more than the 2-year old and is so much more helpless. She cannot tell me in words what is going on like my 2-year old can. She cannot communicate effectively so I have to be more in tune with her cries. In sum, I miss her terribly and while I have come to appreciate her more, I am sad to know that the weaning has begun... not breastfeeding weaning per se but rather, the natural weaning that occurs in life when children slowly separate from their parents, and one day, leave for pre-school, then elementary, then high school, and college and get married... and yes, possibly even move further away. That realization has left me wondering if I am truly ready to "let go" of my babies. I guess, in the natural order of things, this is all part of being a parent.
Of course, the heart of a mother... well, the heart of the mother will always be tender and belong to her children. Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms out there. Whatever the outcome, you have done the best you can!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sleepless days and nights
I have read just about every sleep book recommended on the market today - Sears, Pantley, Weissbluth, 90-minute sleep solution, Ferber method, and the controversial method of Baby Wise. I have read about it all and read 6 books including one from Pantley on toddler sleep because I have two that do not sleep. Of course, the infant is only 9 weeks old. My first born did not sleep well either - she would take cat naps as well but eventually after 4 months, she started taking 1 hour naps.
This past weekend, Sunday, after our house guest left, I decided to try some of the techniques I have read about from Pantley, Weissbluth, and the 90-minute sleep program. So far, nothing is working. My child, like clock work goes to sleep within 90 minutes of waking, but is up within 15 to 45 minutes and I know is not going enough sleep but there is not much else I can do. When she wakes up from these "cat naps", she is alert, often crying and even with nursing and/or rocking, does not go back to sleep. It is quite unnerving. I have read about other kids who do this as well - generally lasts until about 4 months of age or longer.
In any case, the research out there is daunting and it is overwhelming. What does not help is when people are bragging about their sleeping kids - their kids are the wonder ones who sleep all the time even after 4 weeks of life. But reading about all the kids out there who are in the same boat as ours does make me feel like we are not alone in our struggles. There is no cookie cutter approach to raising a kid-same goes for sleep training but we will soldier on. I am a zombie and my mother who is helping right nowa and my husband - we are all exhausted!
In any case after three weeks of sleepless days and night, I will soldier in with the methods I learn (and there are a billion out there) and try every piece of equipment I own but in the end, may just have to accept my fate. If you read this and have any suggestions please share. If you are writing to just brag, please save it for your facebook page - I do not want to hear it.
This past weekend, Sunday, after our house guest left, I decided to try some of the techniques I have read about from Pantley, Weissbluth, and the 90-minute sleep program. So far, nothing is working. My child, like clock work goes to sleep within 90 minutes of waking, but is up within 15 to 45 minutes and I know is not going enough sleep but there is not much else I can do. When she wakes up from these "cat naps", she is alert, often crying and even with nursing and/or rocking, does not go back to sleep. It is quite unnerving. I have read about other kids who do this as well - generally lasts until about 4 months of age or longer.
In any case, the research out there is daunting and it is overwhelming. What does not help is when people are bragging about their sleeping kids - their kids are the wonder ones who sleep all the time even after 4 weeks of life. But reading about all the kids out there who are in the same boat as ours does make me feel like we are not alone in our struggles. There is no cookie cutter approach to raising a kid-same goes for sleep training but we will soldier on. I am a zombie and my mother who is helping right nowa and my husband - we are all exhausted!
In any case after three weeks of sleepless days and night, I will soldier in with the methods I learn (and there are a billion out there) and try every piece of equipment I own but in the end, may just have to accept my fate. If you read this and have any suggestions please share. If you are writing to just brag, please save it for your facebook page - I do not want to hear it.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Since when did obesity become a good thing?
Since the birth of my first daughter I am just amazed at how obsessed pediatricians and parents alike are obsessed with the weight of their kids. I mean my kid is already in the 1 percentile and that ain't good. She is only 23 months old and because she is thin, and was born tiny, she is basically getting failing grades already. If she were fat though, she'd be in the 90 percentile and yes, that is considered good. So, if my child were fat and chunky and at risk for diabetes and other diseases that strike the obese, I would get a pat on the back- good job! Sure, your kid is almost 2 and not walking because of the giant fat legs but hey, at least he or she is well fed. What?? Are you kidding?
I am amazed in this day and age that doctors and parents alike are concerned with how fat their child is and not in the way you think- it is all about how much weight they can put on and how fast. Even though my toddler eats reasonably most of the time, she does not gain weight. She is, however, taller than her peers. She towers over even kids her own age or older than her. However, that is not something to be commended. Rather, the doctor focuses on weight. My mother in law is obsessed with it as well and while she is always comparing all her grandkids even though each is unique, I find it humorous that she really takes pride in calling the two grandkids who are good eaters from HER side of the family. I do not know if I would brag about the fat kids being from my side of the family- I do not think that is a good thing. Needless to say, the battles rage on and I too have fallen prey to all the rhetoric and tend to weigh my newborn all the time. It is a sickness really. I want to win the competition after all even though I really do not think it is a healthy competition to begin with... nonetheless, like everything else in life, it is a race to the finish!
I am amazed in this day and age that doctors and parents alike are concerned with how fat their child is and not in the way you think- it is all about how much weight they can put on and how fast. Even though my toddler eats reasonably most of the time, she does not gain weight. She is, however, taller than her peers. She towers over even kids her own age or older than her. However, that is not something to be commended. Rather, the doctor focuses on weight. My mother in law is obsessed with it as well and while she is always comparing all her grandkids even though each is unique, I find it humorous that she really takes pride in calling the two grandkids who are good eaters from HER side of the family. I do not know if I would brag about the fat kids being from my side of the family- I do not think that is a good thing. Needless to say, the battles rage on and I too have fallen prey to all the rhetoric and tend to weigh my newborn all the time. It is a sickness really. I want to win the competition after all even though I really do not think it is a healthy competition to begin with... nonetheless, like everything else in life, it is a race to the finish!
Monday, April 20, 2009
So many books so little time
These days it seems there is a book for everything. "How to sleep train your child" will bring up about a thousand results - not every book is worth your time. If you ask one mom, you will get referred to Book X, but then you talk to yet another mother, and she will swear by Book Y authored by the best author on this topic. And yet another mom will recommend Book Z. Another mom will tell you Book X sucked and swears by Book A. What?!! How is a mom who is already sleep and time deprived supposed to read four books on how to get her child to sleep. Isn't that the problem to begin with here.... too much to do and not enough time?
I am on my fourth book already on how to get your child to sleep through the night and I am not even close to getting my 2 year old to sleep through the night. I have bought two books on the topics and checked out the other ones from the library. Dr. Sears, Elizabeth Pantley, Weissbluth, Ferber - you name it, I have read it. I now have two additional books on hold at the library- the 90 minute sleep solution and Baby Wise. All because someone made me feel bad by posting on my wall on facebook that her child is sleeping twelve hours at 2.5 months old. WHAT? Are you kidding me? Ironically, this girl is a doctor herself so I wonder if she missed that portion of medical school when they discuss how sleep patterns change in kids almost daily so 7 to 7 will not necessarily last. But then again, what do I know? I have only read these four books and each one says something different. So, I have decided to take what works from each and make my own book on the topic. Only I will not be published.
So, from Book X, I will take the fact that food and types of foods definitely affect how a child sleeps especially toddlers. Then from Book Y, I will take that you should respond to infants after 4 months of age in time intervals and you increase that time interval so that the child learns to self soothe and sleep on his or her own. From Book Z, I have learned that you should respond differently to the different cries exhibited by an infant- there is a distinct difference between a cry for hunger for example than a cry for being held or for attention. So, depending on the type of cry, you can respond accordingly. Out of the two books I have not read yet, I hear one is quite controversial and involves starving your child through the night. In either case, I look forward to reading more things I may not implement or implement successfully. On the other hand, maybe nothing is working because of the hodge podge or potpourri implementation of this and that. Maybe I need to pick one book and just stick to it.
It is not easy raising children much less in a time when we are bombarded with so much internet information and literature on how to. "How to raise children for Dummies." That is the book I need to purchase.
I am on my fourth book already on how to get your child to sleep through the night and I am not even close to getting my 2 year old to sleep through the night. I have bought two books on the topics and checked out the other ones from the library. Dr. Sears, Elizabeth Pantley, Weissbluth, Ferber - you name it, I have read it. I now have two additional books on hold at the library- the 90 minute sleep solution and Baby Wise. All because someone made me feel bad by posting on my wall on facebook that her child is sleeping twelve hours at 2.5 months old. WHAT? Are you kidding me? Ironically, this girl is a doctor herself so I wonder if she missed that portion of medical school when they discuss how sleep patterns change in kids almost daily so 7 to 7 will not necessarily last. But then again, what do I know? I have only read these four books and each one says something different. So, I have decided to take what works from each and make my own book on the topic. Only I will not be published.
So, from Book X, I will take the fact that food and types of foods definitely affect how a child sleeps especially toddlers. Then from Book Y, I will take that you should respond to infants after 4 months of age in time intervals and you increase that time interval so that the child learns to self soothe and sleep on his or her own. From Book Z, I have learned that you should respond differently to the different cries exhibited by an infant- there is a distinct difference between a cry for hunger for example than a cry for being held or for attention. So, depending on the type of cry, you can respond accordingly. Out of the two books I have not read yet, I hear one is quite controversial and involves starving your child through the night. In either case, I look forward to reading more things I may not implement or implement successfully. On the other hand, maybe nothing is working because of the hodge podge or potpourri implementation of this and that. Maybe I need to pick one book and just stick to it.
It is not easy raising children much less in a time when we are bombarded with so much internet information and literature on how to. "How to raise children for Dummies." That is the book I need to purchase.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
You know you're a parent when...
... you can multi-task almost any tasks with ease and grace- for example, can you clean spit up, burp a baby, and read a story to the other child at once? Yes you can!
... you get poop in your hair and you do not freak out, but rather, stand up, spray Aveda hair refresher in your hair, comb it out, and go on with your day - who has time for another shower right now?
... you get spit up on and instead of freaking out, you merely wipe it off, and go back to sleep and hope your newborn does the same. The next morning, you realize what has happened.
... you go to sleep in one position and when your baby cries in the middle of the night, you are still in that position. Your arm, fingers, and hand has fallen asleep but you do not care because you got 5 hours!
... you mumble poopy in your sleep and do not even realize it.
... you can hear your toddler all the way down the hall and she is not even crying. You say to your spouse, "oh crap! She is up. wake up - she is up." She is already in the room staring at you. What instincts you develop!
... you can play musical rooms and musical beds with ease and comfort - one goes down, and you can quickly go placate the other in the other room, and then return to the other room to feed the other one. This can go on all night.
... you can go on for days and days with little to no sleep and still manage to not commit mass murder or drink suicidal kool-aid. Now, that is love!
... as husband and wife, your conversations and daily banter revolve around napping, popping, spitting up, and odd smells. Even when you go to dinner, you imitate your toddler's banter despite dirty looks from your waiter or waitress. Sure you have spit up on your clothes and smell funky from lack of showering but you still have a great time!
... you can no longer watch movies even at home, or TV shows because your toddler repeats everything she hears. So, you try to sneak in a movie here and there, and if you can watch the evening news, what an accomplishment!
... you write blogs and get on facebook for fun because you have no friends left - you are basically insane to your single and no-kid friends and since all you talk about is poop, naps and spit-up, no one really wants to hang out with you.
... you look at your babies and despite all the above, you pray they never grow up 'cause you would not have it any other way.
... you get poop in your hair and you do not freak out, but rather, stand up, spray Aveda hair refresher in your hair, comb it out, and go on with your day - who has time for another shower right now?
... you get spit up on and instead of freaking out, you merely wipe it off, and go back to sleep and hope your newborn does the same. The next morning, you realize what has happened.
... you go to sleep in one position and when your baby cries in the middle of the night, you are still in that position. Your arm, fingers, and hand has fallen asleep but you do not care because you got 5 hours!
... you mumble poopy in your sleep and do not even realize it.
... you can hear your toddler all the way down the hall and she is not even crying. You say to your spouse, "oh crap! She is up. wake up - she is up." She is already in the room staring at you. What instincts you develop!
... you can play musical rooms and musical beds with ease and comfort - one goes down, and you can quickly go placate the other in the other room, and then return to the other room to feed the other one. This can go on all night.
... you can go on for days and days with little to no sleep and still manage to not commit mass murder or drink suicidal kool-aid. Now, that is love!
... as husband and wife, your conversations and daily banter revolve around napping, popping, spitting up, and odd smells. Even when you go to dinner, you imitate your toddler's banter despite dirty looks from your waiter or waitress. Sure you have spit up on your clothes and smell funky from lack of showering but you still have a great time!
... you can no longer watch movies even at home, or TV shows because your toddler repeats everything she hears. So, you try to sneak in a movie here and there, and if you can watch the evening news, what an accomplishment!
... you write blogs and get on facebook for fun because you have no friends left - you are basically insane to your single and no-kid friends and since all you talk about is poop, naps and spit-up, no one really wants to hang out with you.
... you look at your babies and despite all the above, you pray they never grow up 'cause you would not have it any other way.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Open up Dern it!
I, like my husband, have noticed lately how late places open especially on the weekends. When you have kids, you no longer have the luxury to "Sleep in" because someone else controls when you go to bed and when you wake up. So, it is surprising to me that so many public places and establishments open after 10am. The average toddler goes to sleep by 8pm (remember, that is average - which means some will go to sleep even earlier) and wake up by 6am. It is amazing then to me that libraries, museums, recreation centers, malls, and other places open after 10am. Don't these places pride themselves on attracting children- I mean, they sure do advertise to them. Some kids take naps as early as 11am! So, how can a parent take a child to one of these places for an hour? It makes no sense to me and lately, my husband and I have discussed this very problem. He spent two Sundays in a row waiting in a line outside the rec center to take our toddler swimming. The rec center did not open until 10am!
Not only do these hours of operation make no sense to me, I wonder what principle they run these centers on. Is it for the elderly or the single person? Even my single friends or friends without kids get up early to go exercise or go shopping. Even they are wondering why 10am. The places that really perplex me are the ones that cater to children like pools, rec centers, children's museums, and libraries. Storytime at 1030am on a Saturday? I wish these places would just open even an hour early becacuse that make all the difference. For example, on a typical Saturday, my toddler will get up at 630am. By 830am we are done with breakfast and playtime so we can take off to arrive at the rec center by 9am, and be dutifully home by 11am for lunch followed by a nice naptime, and boom! In the afternoon, the child is refreshed and ready for afternoon fun like the park and other outdoor locations. In the winter this makes even more sense because it is tough to do outdoor activities before noon.
So I rant on hoping someone will listen and other parents complain too. I guess 'til then, I have to entertain my own kid for the entire morning! Oy vay!
Not only do these hours of operation make no sense to me, I wonder what principle they run these centers on. Is it for the elderly or the single person? Even my single friends or friends without kids get up early to go exercise or go shopping. Even they are wondering why 10am. The places that really perplex me are the ones that cater to children like pools, rec centers, children's museums, and libraries. Storytime at 1030am on a Saturday? I wish these places would just open even an hour early becacuse that make all the difference. For example, on a typical Saturday, my toddler will get up at 630am. By 830am we are done with breakfast and playtime so we can take off to arrive at the rec center by 9am, and be dutifully home by 11am for lunch followed by a nice naptime, and boom! In the afternoon, the child is refreshed and ready for afternoon fun like the park and other outdoor locations. In the winter this makes even more sense because it is tough to do outdoor activities before noon.
So I rant on hoping someone will listen and other parents complain too. I guess 'til then, I have to entertain my own kid for the entire morning! Oy vay!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Second Chances
As I look my newborn daughter I realize she is a lot like my other daughter at her age. It is amazing how identical they look. When I put the outfits my oldes daughter wore at that age on her, she looks identical to her. When I look at old photos of my daughter who was born almost two years ago, I am completely amazed that my newborn is a splitting image of her. So, during a late night feeding I started to think - is this my second chance? Do I get to start over and do things right that I may have done wrong before or is this a completely new child?
The interesting thing is that I have different plans this time for things that I may have done wrong last time- for example, when it comes to sleeping, I would like to develop better sleeping habits with this child because the eldest daughter is a lost cause. I would also like to develop better eating habits for this child because that is another area of concern with our oldest. So, you ask - how do I plan on doing this? And you are thinking to yourself "well, every child is different and this is not your first one!" True- true. I know all children are different but all children are trainable if you start early enough. Children are a reflection of their parents and how we react really does affect the child's behavior. In any case, my newborn is too young to be trained just yet and she is still trying to just gain fat and weight so she can sustain herself for 6 to 8 hours at night. Night versus Day is a whole 'nother battle. We will need to be her eyes and ears and help her understand day versus night because she has no clue. My goal is to start at a reasonable age and this depends on the child. The child will give us clues as to when she is ready to be sleep trained and so on. I have missed the clues my first daughter sent me. There was a time when we could have easily trained her to eat better but that time has now passed. We could have sleep trained her but we chose not to mainly out of laziness and exhaustion - we just chose to stick her in our bed and make life easier for me (I was breastfeeding her), and for dad.
I am not sure things will be that much different in our second chance but I certainly would like to try and obviously, we will adapt to this kid and depending how she responds to our second time around as well.
The interesting thing is that I have different plans this time for things that I may have done wrong last time- for example, when it comes to sleeping, I would like to develop better sleeping habits with this child because the eldest daughter is a lost cause. I would also like to develop better eating habits for this child because that is another area of concern with our oldest. So, you ask - how do I plan on doing this? And you are thinking to yourself "well, every child is different and this is not your first one!" True- true. I know all children are different but all children are trainable if you start early enough. Children are a reflection of their parents and how we react really does affect the child's behavior. In any case, my newborn is too young to be trained just yet and she is still trying to just gain fat and weight so she can sustain herself for 6 to 8 hours at night. Night versus Day is a whole 'nother battle. We will need to be her eyes and ears and help her understand day versus night because she has no clue. My goal is to start at a reasonable age and this depends on the child. The child will give us clues as to when she is ready to be sleep trained and so on. I have missed the clues my first daughter sent me. There was a time when we could have easily trained her to eat better but that time has now passed. We could have sleep trained her but we chose not to mainly out of laziness and exhaustion - we just chose to stick her in our bed and make life easier for me (I was breastfeeding her), and for dad.
I am not sure things will be that much different in our second chance but I certainly would like to try and obviously, we will adapt to this kid and depending how she responds to our second time around as well.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Torn: A Tale of Two Daughters
I know I am writing this only 3-weeks post partum after having our second daughter but I already feel torn between taking care of the two of them and divided loyalties. It has been a tough few weeks as my husband and I try to find balance in our lives- balance between taking care of a newborn, life in general, our marriage, work, and of course, trying to get enough rest so that we can do all of the above. For me, I have always needed more sleep than the average person so having one kid was hard enough. I have not slept through the night in about 24 months - my sleep was waning away even as I was in the third trimester with my first one. So, for about 2 years now, I have not slept well. There are no signs of this getting better and in fact, if anything, it has gotten worse. At least with the first one, we just let her sleep with us, and we found a balance - we had settled into a routine. Now, all that has changed yet again and change, as we all know, is tough to take on top of 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night.
So.... I started thinking today how much I feel torn on most days and nights between my two girls. My infant needs me because I am breastfeeding. She is not even three weeks old yet! So, she needs a lot of care- diapering, feeding, burping. The list never ends. Then, there's my 22-month old who also needs me. She needs me to put her down for a nap in the afternoon, feed her good nutritious foods, diaper her too, and of course, spend time playing with her- whether it is reading, playing blocks, helping her in her pretend kitchen, or just encouraging her to learn, she needs a lot of attention too. And of course, without fail, my newborn will wake up screaming right when I am doing something with my toddler. So, I write this blog because I feel what most parents feel when their lives change in this manner- TORN! It is tough but I am trying to find the right balance and when possible, have my husband take the other one so that I can tend to the right one at the right time. It is a balancing act for sure but I will continue to try to prioritize depending on need and what has to come first at that time. I am sure this saga of being torn will continue so stay tuned for parts 2, 3, 4 and 5.
So.... I started thinking today how much I feel torn on most days and nights between my two girls. My infant needs me because I am breastfeeding. She is not even three weeks old yet! So, she needs a lot of care- diapering, feeding, burping. The list never ends. Then, there's my 22-month old who also needs me. She needs me to put her down for a nap in the afternoon, feed her good nutritious foods, diaper her too, and of course, spend time playing with her- whether it is reading, playing blocks, helping her in her pretend kitchen, or just encouraging her to learn, she needs a lot of attention too. And of course, without fail, my newborn will wake up screaming right when I am doing something with my toddler. So, I write this blog because I feel what most parents feel when their lives change in this manner- TORN! It is tough but I am trying to find the right balance and when possible, have my husband take the other one so that I can tend to the right one at the right time. It is a balancing act for sure but I will continue to try to prioritize depending on need and what has to come first at that time. I am sure this saga of being torn will continue so stay tuned for parts 2, 3, 4 and 5.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Changing family dynamics
We brought home our new baby girl two weeks ago and it has been quite a LONG two weeks. With a 21-month old at home already, bringing a new baby into the home has changed the family dynamics quite a bit, disrupted everyone's routines, and thrown our household in a sleepless state of insanity. It seems like we are constantly running around- either chasing after the toddler, or diapering and feeding the newborn. Life has settled a bit in week two but week one seemed like a whirlwind and I could not believe how much life had changed instantly. It is nice to not have to take the newborn out with my mom staying at home with her but it is so important to have a routine for the toddler too. She needs to continue her bath time, story time, outings, and park time. While our toddler may be adjusting better than us, she still gets up in the middle night, adding more turmoil to an already stressed mommy who is up all the time feeding the baby.
We have decided to continue day care for our toddler for two or three days a week until mom adjusts or baby starts to sleep at night a little more but 'til then, the routine continues at our household and we just hope that in a few months time, things can settle down a bit. I do know one thing, it will NEVER be just my husband and me again - we are definitely a family and the sooner we accept that, the sooner everyone can settle down into a routine. The key I have found over the past two weeks is working with my husband as a team especially in the middle of the night when there are two girls crying out for us. Another thing we both know is that our days of sleeping in are definitely gone and in some cases, sleeping at all.
I am sure I will continue to report our trials and tribulations as our adventures continue.
We have decided to continue day care for our toddler for two or three days a week until mom adjusts or baby starts to sleep at night a little more but 'til then, the routine continues at our household and we just hope that in a few months time, things can settle down a bit. I do know one thing, it will NEVER be just my husband and me again - we are definitely a family and the sooner we accept that, the sooner everyone can settle down into a routine. The key I have found over the past two weeks is working with my husband as a team especially in the middle of the night when there are two girls crying out for us. Another thing we both know is that our days of sleeping in are definitely gone and in some cases, sleeping at all.
I am sure I will continue to report our trials and tribulations as our adventures continue.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Loving Two Equally- is it possible?
I write this on my estimated due date of our second baby. It is amazing to think that any moment now, we will have a second child in our home and a helpless little infant at that. We have a 21-month old at home too and she is getting to the age where she has attitude and wants everything her way. Well, I suppose she will get a rude awakening any day now. It is not going to be easy and as I prepare myself mentally and physically for labor and delivery, I sometimes fail to appreciate the concept of spreading your love and affection and care giving for two children. Right now, it seems very daunting to me. I do not know how I will do it and I begin to wonder… can you truly love both children equally? Or, are you loving them both but in different ways. I know we will be comparing this new baby to how our first child was as a baby or as he or she goes through stages, we will probably think to ourselves, this is easier or harder than the first, but I also wonder, will I be able to balance my time, love, and affection, and attention for both?
It is hard enough right now to care for one and tend to her needs which seem plentiful – feeding, diapering, educational toys and books, disciplining, and play-time and outdoors time. Obviously, you also have to take out time to potty train, read, and break horrible habits like the bottle and pacifier. That takes its toll too. And with the arrival of an infant, while you do not need to spend time and energy reading, educating, disciplining, or worrying about playtime and outdoors time, you still have feeding (nursing for the first several months to year) and diapering. Then, there are tough times for all families when the child or parents are ill, doctor’s visits and of course, as the child grows, develops and starts becoming mobile, cuts, bruises and other bo-bo’s to deal with. In essence, you have to focus on both kids and where they should be at a particular age or developmental cycle in their lives and of course, no two kids are the same so what worked for one will not work for the other. Conversely, you could end up lucky and the first child could be super helpful and start helping with the younger one as they age together. In the end, I still worry whether I will be able to love them both equally or how will I treat them. I am looking forward to the adventure but a bit nervous too. Stay tuned as I report my findings back to you in a few months.
It is hard enough right now to care for one and tend to her needs which seem plentiful – feeding, diapering, educational toys and books, disciplining, and play-time and outdoors time. Obviously, you also have to take out time to potty train, read, and break horrible habits like the bottle and pacifier. That takes its toll too. And with the arrival of an infant, while you do not need to spend time and energy reading, educating, disciplining, or worrying about playtime and outdoors time, you still have feeding (nursing for the first several months to year) and diapering. Then, there are tough times for all families when the child or parents are ill, doctor’s visits and of course, as the child grows, develops and starts becoming mobile, cuts, bruises and other bo-bo’s to deal with. In essence, you have to focus on both kids and where they should be at a particular age or developmental cycle in their lives and of course, no two kids are the same so what worked for one will not work for the other. Conversely, you could end up lucky and the first child could be super helpful and start helping with the younger one as they age together. In the end, I still worry whether I will be able to love them both equally or how will I treat them. I am looking forward to the adventure but a bit nervous too. Stay tuned as I report my findings back to you in a few months.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
A glimpse of empty-nest syndrome?
I got a little glimpse this past week of what my life may become after my children grow up and move away. My husband took my daughter to visit his parents and sisters and there I was, waving good bye and kissing my 19-month old. As tears welled up in my eyes, I realized – man, this is going to be hard when she goes off to school, college, and one day decides to get married. I can completely understand why so many couples go through a weird stage in their marriage after the children have flown the coup completely. It seems my current routine (if I am at home or the weekend) revolves around my daughter- feeding her, making sure she gets a nap, playtime, making sure she is changed and diapered, and the routine sorta runs in circles until it is time for bathtime and bed again. Life stays so busy, you forget that you have to feed and bathe yourself too. That is where my husband and I tend to do well tag teaming to make sure each of us can get in exercise or alone time in, a shower, and of course, some food. Of course, as a child develops and grows, they go through different things - school, trips, birthdays, teen-troubles, etc. As these things present themselves, the parents nonetheless remain busy and involved.
Since my husband and my daughter took off yesterday, I was not sure what to do with myself. All of a sudden, I had a bunch of time on my hands and nothing really pressing. I wanted to get the clothes sorted and ready for arrival of Baby #2, and get the toys organized as well, but other than scrapbooking and watching a movie while I scrapbook, there was not anything really pressing. Sure, I can feed myself without the distraction of my daughter, and maintain cleanliness for a few days as opposed to a few minutes, but there is a certain sense of something missing in my life and my routine when my daughter and husband are away. I have not been alone in the house --- ever! We moved into this house and 3 weeks later, our daughter was born, and since then, I have not been alone in the house – strange indeed! I heard all the cracking noises and settling noises and high pitched wind noises you can imagine. No screaming or crying toddler in the middle of the night yet I did not sleep as soundly as I do when she is next to me or my husband is there.
So, I was reflecting on how couples might cope after the kids leave the house. Many marriages do not take kindly to removal of the buffer children. Other marriages grow even stronger. In my office, there is a couple with 5 kids- all grown and gone away. Their marriage has grown even stronger it seems. Another couple just separated after their youngest flew the coop at 19. They did not know each other anymore – they only saw each other through the kids’ eyes. This entire thing has got me thinking: I think there are three serious teething periods in a marriage: The first comes when you get married and/or move in together. I think that is a huge adjustment period for couples. Whose things stay? Whose goes? Are both Type A and ALPHA or is one giving everything up? The right balance needs to be struck and it takes time and often, gets frustrating. The second period comes after a child is born into the marriage. If you haven’t worked out the first teething period, chances are, this period will be even tougher because everyone has a different idea on how to raise kids. However, as long as a couple communicates through this very important teething period, an understanding can be reached and balance can be achieved- each agreeing to give and take so the other can still be an individual, a spouse, and a parent. The third teething period comes around retirement or during the empty-nest period. This is when the buffer-kids are gone. Neither spouse has the children in the home anyway to consume their time, and soccer, baseball, tennis and swim lessons have all given way to quiet evenings at home with a lot of spare time. No PTA meetings, no school dances, and no family trips. The focus now is on the individual and the marriage and not the kid. As an attorney providing legal assistance to many individuals who are either seeking divorce or on the receiving end, I always found it odd (before I had my own child) when the 20 or 30-years of marriage couple came to seek a divorce. It just seemed odd to me but I guess I can understand as it is a teething period and like all adjustment periods, in a marriage, if two people cannot overcome it, they decide to call it quits. I can imagine how hard it is to readjust each other, learn about activities that the other likes, and try to find things to do together - common interests help but common values help even more.
In any case, I think all teething periods require a lot of effort of both spouses but it certainly does help to know what is going on and what stage you are both in or you could feel like you do not know the other person and could decide it is a different person. When in fact, your spouse is not a different person - you have just been so occupied that you did not stop and look, listen, or get involved with that other person. So, it is time to get re-oriented. I am so glad my hubbie and daughter will return tomorrow. Right now, we have the excitement of another child coming into our home and empty-nest syndrome is still a ways off, but in the meantime, when we reach another minor teething period, I hope that we can look back, read this blog, and realize what we both need to do.
Since my husband and my daughter took off yesterday, I was not sure what to do with myself. All of a sudden, I had a bunch of time on my hands and nothing really pressing. I wanted to get the clothes sorted and ready for arrival of Baby #2, and get the toys organized as well, but other than scrapbooking and watching a movie while I scrapbook, there was not anything really pressing. Sure, I can feed myself without the distraction of my daughter, and maintain cleanliness for a few days as opposed to a few minutes, but there is a certain sense of something missing in my life and my routine when my daughter and husband are away. I have not been alone in the house --- ever! We moved into this house and 3 weeks later, our daughter was born, and since then, I have not been alone in the house – strange indeed! I heard all the cracking noises and settling noises and high pitched wind noises you can imagine. No screaming or crying toddler in the middle of the night yet I did not sleep as soundly as I do when she is next to me or my husband is there.
So, I was reflecting on how couples might cope after the kids leave the house. Many marriages do not take kindly to removal of the buffer children. Other marriages grow even stronger. In my office, there is a couple with 5 kids- all grown and gone away. Their marriage has grown even stronger it seems. Another couple just separated after their youngest flew the coop at 19. They did not know each other anymore – they only saw each other through the kids’ eyes. This entire thing has got me thinking: I think there are three serious teething periods in a marriage: The first comes when you get married and/or move in together. I think that is a huge adjustment period for couples. Whose things stay? Whose goes? Are both Type A and ALPHA or is one giving everything up? The right balance needs to be struck and it takes time and often, gets frustrating. The second period comes after a child is born into the marriage. If you haven’t worked out the first teething period, chances are, this period will be even tougher because everyone has a different idea on how to raise kids. However, as long as a couple communicates through this very important teething period, an understanding can be reached and balance can be achieved- each agreeing to give and take so the other can still be an individual, a spouse, and a parent. The third teething period comes around retirement or during the empty-nest period. This is when the buffer-kids are gone. Neither spouse has the children in the home anyway to consume their time, and soccer, baseball, tennis and swim lessons have all given way to quiet evenings at home with a lot of spare time. No PTA meetings, no school dances, and no family trips. The focus now is on the individual and the marriage and not the kid. As an attorney providing legal assistance to many individuals who are either seeking divorce or on the receiving end, I always found it odd (before I had my own child) when the 20 or 30-years of marriage couple came to seek a divorce. It just seemed odd to me but I guess I can understand as it is a teething period and like all adjustment periods, in a marriage, if two people cannot overcome it, they decide to call it quits. I can imagine how hard it is to readjust each other, learn about activities that the other likes, and try to find things to do together - common interests help but common values help even more.
In any case, I think all teething periods require a lot of effort of both spouses but it certainly does help to know what is going on and what stage you are both in or you could feel like you do not know the other person and could decide it is a different person. When in fact, your spouse is not a different person - you have just been so occupied that you did not stop and look, listen, or get involved with that other person. So, it is time to get re-oriented. I am so glad my hubbie and daughter will return tomorrow. Right now, we have the excitement of another child coming into our home and empty-nest syndrome is still a ways off, but in the meantime, when we reach another minor teething period, I hope that we can look back, read this blog, and realize what we both need to do.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Got Change?
Yesterday I had the opportunity to see my baby’s face at a 30-week ultrasound. I was amazed at how clear things looked even though they were anything but clear. It was still nice to see that the little guy or gal is doing well – alert, kicking, moving, and a strong heart rate. I think it finally hit me that another life is on its way into our world and it is starting to freak me out. No matter how prepared you are for childbirth and the arrival of a new baby into your home, the first few weeks always find the parents dazed and confused. Change is hard on most everyone even those who are looking forward to it. I am sure we will be no different because for me, while the concept is great, I am starting to stress out a bit. What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t care for two? What if this kid is as active as our first? Then what? Will I have a nervous breakdown? Will my employer be supportive of my needs and issues? As you know, in this economy, people worry more about everything.
I am starting to dream more and more about the coming of this new life into our lives but mainly, I think it is because I realize things are about to change. I think that is the big thing in my life right now – CHANGE. It started with the election of my new commander in chief, and does not stop there. In January, I get two new bosses – two! I get a new boss at my full-time job and also with the Reserves. I am about to enter unchartered territory and while I know change is part of life and my career, I would remiss if I wasn’t a little nervous. For example, will the new boss support my need to take 16 weeks off or will I be let go? What if I can no longer work full-time or need accommodations? What will happen to me? What about the Reserves? Is the guy going to be family friendly or will it be mission first and the family suffers? Anyway, all these thoughts are going through my head and I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future so I can put my mind at ease one way or the other- ‘tis better to know than to delve into the unknown. Perhaps the biggest change coming in 2009 that will affect my immediate daily life is the birth of our new son or daughter. It is going to be strange I think and I am not sure I am ready for the challenges that come with raising two. I still have not gotten used to the challenges that come with raising one. Heck, everyday is something new and as our daughter learns, so do we. I am lucky to have supportive friends and family and a husband who truly is a great dad and partner in my life. But I think the first six months we will both be delving into unchartered waters as we try to find balance with life, the children, and work. While I look forward to the adventure and challenge, I know there will be times when it will be very tough.
As I look at the pictures of yesterday’s ultrasound, and realize that only 10 weeks remain between us and this new life force, I feel it’ll be alright – people have done this for centuries and succeeded. Our parents raised us and everything seems to have worked out okay. I think in the end, change is what keeps us on our toes and keeps us from being complacent and change keeps our society progressing – so, in February, we will take the big change that enters our lives and do what we can with it to succeed – to be the best we can be as parents, as partners, and as humans. Change is more than a concept- more than a slogan and how we choose to view change and how we choose to react to it is what will determine our success , our adaptability, and our ability to grow.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Balance or Sacrifice?
My mom is currently living with us and she tends to be pretty old school about things in general – life, hobbies, raising family, and the roles that people should play in life. For example, she did not work when we were growing up, thus affording us the opportunity to have a full-time parent at our disposal 24-7. However, this came at a cost of my mom, dad, and my brother and I going without things and living within our means. It also meant my dad had to work harder and try to contribute to his retirement while feeding, educating, and clothing us. My mom said something interesting the other day when we heard a friend that I grew up with was getting divorced. She could not understand why this gal’s husband was such a louse after 2 kids – didn’t he understand responsibility and most importantly, sacrifice? My mom gave up countless hobbies to raise us. I am still at a loss to understand why but nonetheless this is touted as the cornerstone of raising children- sacrifice. I can understand going without so your child can have an education, clothes, food, but giving up things you may want to do seems a little extreme to our generation.
Now, I can understand if your hobbies are toxic- ie., drinking, smoking, recreational drugs, partying til 4am with the girls every weekend, etc., those are more lifestyle changes than giving up coin collecting, scrapbooking, poker with the boys, making jewelry, pottery, etc. And, we all have to make lifestyle changes when a kid comes along because let's face it - you can't do the exact same thing and expect the child to just fall in place. Also, if you can’t find time to do something, that may be a different matter. When I make a choice, it is usually between napping/sleeping OR doing something like watching a movie, going out, or scrapbooking into the wee hours of the night. For me, those choices tend to be a no brainer- I tend to always choose sleep! But, I do get to make the choice.
I think some parents of my mom’s generation believed sacrifice was the only way to raise a family- go without, give up things, and make choices to give up things that did not comport with a family lifestyle. Conversely, these days, you hear more and more parents of our generation using terms like “balance” and “choice” as opposed to sacrifice. For our generation, it is not about how much you gave up but rather, how well you can strike a balance between all the things you love- family, home, and those hobbies you enjoyed doing before you had a family. Once again, I am referring to activities and hobbies here not lifestyle changes. Some lifestyle changes are unfortunately, necessary. For example, I cannot sleep until noon any longer. I would feel wrong doing so as well because the weekends are the only time I get with my daughter it seems. In that sense, I do make a sacrifice of sleep but I do not even think of it that way - it is just something moms do. I think it is important to try to balance the important facets of your life. I remember my parents relaying stories of how they never went out or to movies because they did not want to leave us with a babysitter. I, on the other hand, think it is very important to carve out time for your spouse and each other and ensure that you have quiet times without the child- whether at home, at the movies, at a nice restaurant, or out on the town, it is important to have a date night. It is just as important for me to get out and get a massage or alone time to read a paper. It just clears my head. Once again, it is about balance not sacrifice. In either case, I find it interesting to hear stories about what my parents gave up or did not do as a result of us. It almost makes you feel bad when you hear the stories. Granted, I do not think we are better off or worse off as adults because our parents did those things. There are plenty of kids who turn out just fine and they went to a baby sitter occasionally or went to child care full-time. If anything, I think kids who grow up in a balanced home and observe balanced parents may actually fare better because they see how important it is to bring balance into their lives as well.
In the end, there is not a right or wrong way when it comes to this but I do think it is important to note how different two generations can be when it comes to even the simplest things.
Now, I can understand if your hobbies are toxic- ie., drinking, smoking, recreational drugs, partying til 4am with the girls every weekend, etc., those are more lifestyle changes than giving up coin collecting, scrapbooking, poker with the boys, making jewelry, pottery, etc. And, we all have to make lifestyle changes when a kid comes along because let's face it - you can't do the exact same thing and expect the child to just fall in place. Also, if you can’t find time to do something, that may be a different matter. When I make a choice, it is usually between napping/sleeping OR doing something like watching a movie, going out, or scrapbooking into the wee hours of the night. For me, those choices tend to be a no brainer- I tend to always choose sleep! But, I do get to make the choice.
I think some parents of my mom’s generation believed sacrifice was the only way to raise a family- go without, give up things, and make choices to give up things that did not comport with a family lifestyle. Conversely, these days, you hear more and more parents of our generation using terms like “balance” and “choice” as opposed to sacrifice. For our generation, it is not about how much you gave up but rather, how well you can strike a balance between all the things you love- family, home, and those hobbies you enjoyed doing before you had a family. Once again, I am referring to activities and hobbies here not lifestyle changes. Some lifestyle changes are unfortunately, necessary. For example, I cannot sleep until noon any longer. I would feel wrong doing so as well because the weekends are the only time I get with my daughter it seems. In that sense, I do make a sacrifice of sleep but I do not even think of it that way - it is just something moms do. I think it is important to try to balance the important facets of your life. I remember my parents relaying stories of how they never went out or to movies because they did not want to leave us with a babysitter. I, on the other hand, think it is very important to carve out time for your spouse and each other and ensure that you have quiet times without the child- whether at home, at the movies, at a nice restaurant, or out on the town, it is important to have a date night. It is just as important for me to get out and get a massage or alone time to read a paper. It just clears my head. Once again, it is about balance not sacrifice. In either case, I find it interesting to hear stories about what my parents gave up or did not do as a result of us. It almost makes you feel bad when you hear the stories. Granted, I do not think we are better off or worse off as adults because our parents did those things. There are plenty of kids who turn out just fine and they went to a baby sitter occasionally or went to child care full-time. If anything, I think kids who grow up in a balanced home and observe balanced parents may actually fare better because they see how important it is to bring balance into their lives as well.
In the end, there is not a right or wrong way when it comes to this but I do think it is important to note how different two generations can be when it comes to even the simplest things.
Monday, October 27, 2008
It may truly take a village
I remember when Hillary Clinton first coined the phrase, "It takes a Village", through her book on the concept of how so many people shape the lives of children, not just mom and dad. It is a really good read on what it takes in our modern society to raise children, what an amazing gift parenthood is, and why it truly takes more than just the parents to raise a child. No matter how old, a child is shaped by her parents, the grandparents, the neighbors, the kids in school or day care, the minister or pastor, the policeman who was kind to the child, the teacher, the doctor, and the friends of the parents.
The philosophy of "It takes a Village" is not new to the rest of the world but may be to many Americans who often feel isolated from friends and family. Living states apart, Americans are more novel to the concept of the Village than European or Asians.
I started to wonder if the "village" your child is raised in impacts his or her development - education, learning skills, feelings of security, and self worth. My mother has been helping us with the care of our daughter on and off since her birth. We get visitors from my side of the family and my husband's and we often travel as well to see relatives and expose our daughter to her cousins and aunts and uncles. When my daughter is not in the care of my mother or us, she goes to a private home where she is the only child being watched by a couple who do not have grandchildren of their own. They are multilingual and of my culture so she is exposed to that as well. While futile with work and activities, we try to expose our daughter to neighborhood kids and friends' kids - most of whom are not Indian. But I truly started to wonder now that I have my own kid and will soon have a sibling for our daughter if the village will shape our daughter's life. I know we will definitely have an impact on her but does it take a village?
I think it does. While parents can discipline and educate their children, children learn very early to be defiant and independent and they will form their own opinions on foods, issues, and what they think is a good bedtime :-0 Children will explore the world outside the home and learn about its people - good and bad. Children will often make mistakes and learn from them. How others' interact with your children does shape their lives and now that I am living through this, I truly believe that it does take a village.
My daughter is more secure when she is not in a day care environment. She loves when we have visitors and the house is partially filled with relatives and friends. Granted, she does not like crowds but there is a sense of security that permeats her being when we are all there- maybe not doing anything but just there. She feels secure from the type of care she receives. If in the home or private home, I tend to see her acting more secure and happy. At a center, she is lost and often feels the need to be clingy, displaying her insecurity to me when I get home. How she is treated by the world around her impacts her well-being, her creativity, her attitude, and her eating habits. Parenting is a joy and it is a gift from God but in assessing my own parenting skills, I have learned a lot from the last year and a half as well. How I react to my daughter makes a difference in how she reacts to me and the world around her.
I am so thankful to be a mom and share in parenting with a partner who is equally thrilled to have a child and as I take this time to reflect on the last year and a half, I realize that it takes more than me and more than my husband and that continuously my daughter will be exposed to the world around her which will also impact her growth and learning and it is my job to understand and even assess the "village" we place her in, the "village" she finds herself in, and the elements in it. While I do not 100% agree with Hillary Clinton's political views, I did enjoy the premise of her book and agree that when it comes to children and their development, it does take a village.
Monday, September 01, 2008
What parents tell themselves
Well, it has happened.... against my better judgment, my child has become the child I feared long ago but swore that would never happen to me. Don't all adults who want to be parents have to tell themselves the same thing in order to procreate? Oh no, my child will never end up like that! The truth is you never know.... but I think it is good that couples still believe that their child could never be bad or end up like the kid throwing pasta and rolls, or we would have a population crisis on our hands.
Anyway, our child is approaching that age where she is having a mind of her own and wants what she wants. She is getting an attitude and gets cranky when she does not get her way. And it is even worse in public. Her shrieks send chills down my spine and in public, it makes me cringe even more. So, we are there.... we are now the parents that others look at and our screaming child and say, "that'll never happen to us."
It's a good thing too because if they did not believe that, they may never have childen of their own. We are hoping for the best as she approaches her 2-year mark and we face the prospects of another child. Maybe had we seen this behavior before we got pregnant, we might not have .....
Anyway, our child is approaching that age where she is having a mind of her own and wants what she wants. She is getting an attitude and gets cranky when she does not get her way. And it is even worse in public. Her shrieks send chills down my spine and in public, it makes me cringe even more. So, we are there.... we are now the parents that others look at and our screaming child and say, "that'll never happen to us."
It's a good thing too because if they did not believe that, they may never have childen of their own. We are hoping for the best as she approaches her 2-year mark and we face the prospects of another child. Maybe had we seen this behavior before we got pregnant, we might not have .....
Saturday, August 23, 2008
What ever happened to Mr. Ms. & Mrs?
I am writing this because recently, at least among my friends and co-workers, I have observed an increasing and alarming trend of kids who do not how to address adults properly. As a 2-year old or even now, if I addressed someone my elder - especially someone who had 30+ years on me by their first name, my parents would cringe and correct me. That's Mrs. Smith to you, not Helen! Unless of course, Mrs. Smith says it is okay to call her Helen and specifically asks to be addressed in that manner.
Anyway, I write this blog because my friends are teaching their kid to say Hi ___ My first name! This is not acceptable to me. Even when I use my own daughter and have her address the parents as Mr. & Mrs., there is no correction to the behavior. It is still, "Foster, say Hi to Renee" Or "Maddie, can you say RENEE?" I am thinking, I got at least 30 years on this kid, surely, you don't think he is my friend or equal? Teach the kids some manners before it is too late. I also wonder, when the kid starts to attend school, is he going to be calling his or her teachers by the first names? That seems wholly unacceptable to me as well. Maybe if Maddie and Foster learned early how to appropriately address an adult, then they will be saved much trouble in life later.
Even now, as I drop my child off at daycare, I address the care providers there as Ms. Lisa or Ms. Bonnie. It only seems appropriate. I think I would be mortified if my child addressed adults with their first name without being given permission to do so.
The trend I have seen is very alarming and I am just not sure what to do about it. Should I correct the parents? Is that appropriate? Or, should I secretly tell the child, it is more appropriate to refer to me as Ms. Renee not Renee? I can try to set an example I suppose by referring to myself as Mrs. or Ms. so the parents get the hint but in my experience, parents like this rarely get the hint because it is the cluelessness that started this whole mess in the first place.
Anyway, I write this blog because my friends are teaching their kid to say Hi ___ My first name! This is not acceptable to me. Even when I use my own daughter and have her address the parents as Mr. & Mrs., there is no correction to the behavior. It is still, "Foster, say Hi to Renee" Or "Maddie, can you say RENEE?" I am thinking, I got at least 30 years on this kid, surely, you don't think he is my friend or equal? Teach the kids some manners before it is too late. I also wonder, when the kid starts to attend school, is he going to be calling his or her teachers by the first names? That seems wholly unacceptable to me as well. Maybe if Maddie and Foster learned early how to appropriately address an adult, then they will be saved much trouble in life later.
Even now, as I drop my child off at daycare, I address the care providers there as Ms. Lisa or Ms. Bonnie. It only seems appropriate. I think I would be mortified if my child addressed adults with their first name without being given permission to do so.
The trend I have seen is very alarming and I am just not sure what to do about it. Should I correct the parents? Is that appropriate? Or, should I secretly tell the child, it is more appropriate to refer to me as Ms. Renee not Renee? I can try to set an example I suppose by referring to myself as Mrs. or Ms. so the parents get the hint but in my experience, parents like this rarely get the hint because it is the cluelessness that started this whole mess in the first place.
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