The Caucus Experience

I attended my first Caucus last Tuesday evening in Colorado. I changed my registration from a Republican to Democrat when I found out Obama was running. I wanted the opportunity to vote for him in what I thought would be a primary. I was wrong. Colorado uses the weird, outdated caucus system. I had never participated in this before mainly because I voted absentee or voted in primaries in the states where I was stationed with the Air Force. I was curious and excited and yet, a bit nervous at the same time. I could not find parking and arrived 2 minutes late into the room. As I walked into the room, I felt strange as 60 eyes stared at me. I registered, the rules were read, and then we took a straw poll. The room was divided into the Obama side and the Clinton side. 22 people moved to the far side of the room and 8 people remained near the exit. Clintonites were outnumbered and rightfully so. Hillary Clinton only had 30 delegates in Colorado and the state was not worthy of her campaign so she had ignored campaigning here. So, of course, people went with the candidate who did appear, who did come and discuss issues with the Colorado Democrats that were eager to listen. After the straw poll, one of the women on the Clinton side complained that she felt unwelcome in the room because of the all the Obama signs and stickers. The debates continued from there - people complained back and forth about the candidates but I took away a very important observation from the bickering and the bitter comments from the Clinton side- the Clinton side was very defensive about her. Most of the Obama folks were not even sure about what he stood for - they just liked him - the "rockstar appeal".

In either case, it was an interesting experience for me. I felt like I was caucusing in enemy territory because I was a registered Republican for 15 years prior to this but I felt very comfortable and at ease with the Obama folks - they were young, professional (for the most part) and just really excited people- they were enthusiastic and happy to be there. I did not get the same impression from the Clinton side. I am not sure how the candidates will do in the big race in November. For example, part of me thinks it would be better for the Democratic party to have Obama on the ticket because if Clinton is on the ticket alone, the Republicans will win. But then again, who knows? Americans tend to vote on image and appearance instead of the issues. Most people do not have time to read or listen to the debates and tend to make judgments on rumors, what others think, and appearances. For example, I think many voters who would vote for Obama will not vote for Clinton and would choose McCain over her for sure- simply because they think McCain is more moderate than Clinton.

All in all, it was an interesting night and I had a good time but certainly wish I could have gone to the Republican caucus too to see the differences --- maybe in 2012, I will switch back over to truly be able to compare the two camps?

Happy Voting in November!!
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How long is too long?

This is the first weekend I have spent away from my daughter and it has been tough. Initially, after returning from a long trip to India and spending way too much time with both my husband and daughter, I knew I needed one night off but as I get ready for night number three, I realize more than a night away is really too long. I miss my husband and daughter and our home. I realize that I cannot be away for too long especially when she is this young. Of course, I wonder how my friends have deployed in the military and left their families for months. How can a father go for a year? Will the child, if he or she is an infant, forget the parent? I have been away from my daughter now for exactly 60 hours and it feels like an eternity. It does not help that I work full-time during the work week as well so I feel like I have not spent any time with my daughter in the past six days.

So the question is - how long is too long to be gone when your son or daughter is an infant - a nursing infant at that? Tomorrow, by the time I get home, it will be well over 78 hours. I wonder how she will react when she sees me. Will she go on a nursing strike after just three days? Will she recognize me? I am sure I am overreacting but it has truly got me thinking of whether any job or profession or even a calling is worth the sacrifice families make especially the children.

For example, I recall my friend who deployed with the Air Force telling me the story of how she left her youngest child to deploy (it was mandatory of course). Despite web-camming it daily and talking daily to her 6-month old, when she returned, the infant son, who had learned how to walk in her absence, looked at her on the jetway; she was on her knees as she saw him walking towards her, arms sprawled open-wide; but he quickly realized he did not know this lady and turned and ran away - towards his father and brothers. Wow! I teared up when I heard this story and made a decision at that moment that I needed to separate from the military if I wanted to have a family and truly raise children. That was before I had a child and I was not even married yet! Now, as I make a trek 100 miles south of my home to serve my reserve time once a month, I realize what a sacrifice she made and so many who do it daily. It helps me put into perspective my frustration, my sadness, my anger, and my loneliness. I truly feel like I have no purpose when I do not spend time with my daughter and my husband. So, I focus on the positives of a separation like this which pales in comparion to what so many others do daily. It makes me appreciate the time I do have with them instead of complaining about it.

How long is too long? while being away for 70+ hours is long enough for me, I know it is not bad in the grand scheme of things .... but I still cannot wait to get home.

Packin' it up

This weekend we ran into the age old debate - how far in advance do you begin packing for a HUGE trip? My husband prefers to take it easy and pack at the last minute or just not be rushed. I know where he gets that from so I assume it is learned behavior mainly because I know where I get my tendencies and they all have family roots. For a huge, greater than 10-day international vacation, I firmly believe you have to be start packing or at least start throwing stuff into a central area two weeks before the trip date. Then, 4-5 days prior to the trip, all items should be roughly packed in and of course, you weigh the bags to make sure you are within your allowance. That is my idea of packin' it up. Then, in the final days, I can relax and just worry about last-minute items and things that have to wait 'til the last minute.

Anyway, I write this because when I talked with a girlfriend of mine about the debate between my husband and I, she pointed out an important difference between most men and most women. Women tend to plan ahead of time (generally), plan the entire trip, get books from the lirarby to plan the trip, pack her bags and the kids' and then have time left over to miraculously pay all the bills, put the mail on hold, the newspaper on vacation hold, book the transportation to and from the airport and talk to neighbors about watering the plants and what to do in case of emergency. She even has time to talk with her co-workers about watering her plants at work. Meanwhile, the man strolls in about 20 minutes before departure for the airport, throws some stuff into the bag designated for him and asks if there is anything else he can do. I am not angry - I am just amazed repeatedly at women in all we do including packin' it up :-)

Don't get my wrong, my husband is a great big help in everything in life but when I am stressed, I tend to be vocal and talk about everything including ... "what happens if an ant jumps onto the plane and crawls over to and bites our daughter... what type of antiseptics should we pack in our carryon? Wait... does that go into the carry-on? Will the TSA allow it? Will it smell on the plane?" See what I mean... this is how I talk when I am stressed out - I need to talk and just be heard and told, "it'll be okay." What does the guy hear? "I am an emotional crazy woman and I need you to fix the situation now!" So he tries to fix it by "helping" - the woman perceives this is not helping at all but rather hindering the "operation" so another battle of the sexes emerges. Anyway, I write this blog only to make the point that women and men are truly different ... even when it comes down to packing and planning for a family vacation. We are not emotional or freaks when we are planning a trip for you and the family.... we are resourceful, thoughtful, and above all, organized! So, ladies, pack your bags, expect to pack your kids' bags too, take a deep breath, and when you need to vent, call your girlfriends- they will understand and listen to you without judging or freaking out themselves. Pack it up and have a safe trip!

A Different World

Before we had our daughter, I never would have thought my life would change so much. When I was pregnant, I thought my life would change a little but never imagined this. I thought the baby would sleep a lot and that things would remain, well, about the same. Among my friends, I am the first to have a child so I had no idea what I was in for. Life completely revolves around my daughter’s schedule and I use the term “schedule” loosely because the concept is a foreign one to her and any attempt to put her on one has failed miserably, repeatedly. She wakes up in the middle of the night and she is hungry, so boom, she gets to nurse. I was used to sleeping 9-12 hours at night…. Yeah, those days are O-V-E-R. Sometimes she is too hot, has soiled her diaper, or just needs to be held. Our working day routine is about the same - she has to be changed before she goes to her home care provider. Then, her bag needs to be packed, only to be followed by another changing because she may have an accident. On weekends, we all wake up when she is up because if baby ain’t sleeping, no one is sleeping :_) the same routine follows --- feedings, changing, naps, bath time… did I mention feedings?

All in all though, it has been a wonderful change in my life. I love spending time with her, holding her, nursing her, and playing with her. She is growing up pretty fast too. As I scrapbook her birth and the days when we first brought her home to the pictures we took at her 3-month birthday, I realize just how much she has changed. She is starting to mimic us more and is learning from the world around her. After spending four days with her dad while I worked, she began to imitate him by sticking her tongue out at him and me. Of course, I was not pleased with this recent developmental milestone but could not help but laugh as I scolded her not to stick her tongue out. My husband thinks she completely understands everything that is going on. I have to say, as I look into those playful eyes of her and see that sly smile on her face, I would have to agree.

It has been an amazing journey thus far – motherhood and parenting. I look at the entire world differently. The guy next door is not just the guy next door. He could be a threat to my child. The home care provider is not just a temporary care provider, they could have skeletons in their closet – what don’t I know about them? I look at everything and everyone with suspicion but I also look at the beauty in life … the miracle of life. I look at the parent who has the special needs child or child with disabilities in a different light. I pray for them and pray that God continues to work miracles for others as he has for me. Despite the lack of sleep and the sheer exhaustion, I count my blessings daily, even hourly. I look at my husband differently and have sweet dreams about our family. I look at him in even more awe than I did before we had her because I am amazed at how much he loves her and takes care of her. Did I already mention, I count my blessings?

Yes, we are embarking on a new journey and every day is a new adventure with our new life. Here’s praying it contunues to be a beautiful one ….

New Frontiers

I write this blog about a new experience in my life: Motherhood. Being a mom is more than just dirty diapers, shopping for the kid, and staying up at all hours of the night especially when the baby is sick. It is more than balancing life, work, marriage, and the child. It is something spiritual. I never believed it six months ago when I was exhausted in the labor and delivery room and they brought this tiny (very tiny) girl to me. I did not even believe it a few days later but after 2 weeks, I was hooked! I was hooked beyond belief and to this day, it amazes me that I can truly love someone unconditionally this much in life. You can't appreciate motherhood or being a mom until you are one and truly, that is when you realize the sacrifices your own mom or parents made for you. It is an amazing feeling at 4am when I am nursing her, to look down at her and see her sleeping there, wow! I did this! I am part of this creation!

I cannot write enough about motherhood - I could go on for pages and pages about how I feel but anyone who is a mom out there knows what I am talking about. Daily, I feel a conflict - when I go to work and leave her behind or contemplate leaving her at day care. You can hear all the advice about letting her cry it out, or leaving her with a day care center, and not hear a word because this is your child, your creation, and you have to do what is right for you and her.

All I can say is that these new frontiers are wonderful! Sure, I am exhausted all the time, and I do not have time for sleep, bathing, or even writing this blog, but one smile, one laugh, one grin, and it does not even matter. It is all about her! Your world becomes the child. What an amazing new adventure we are experiencing - one I would not trade for anything or all the riches in the world.

Coming back to Blog

Wow! I write this after taking over a year break from this blog. I am amazed as I go back and re-read my entries from 2005 to now, how much my life and my perspective on life has changed. I am now a mom to a beautiful baby girl who was born to us in May of 2007. I am still married to the same guy and despite growing pains in our initial months of marriage, we somehow managed to see the good and keep it together enough to decide to bring a child into the world. It is amazing to see life through the eyes I have now - a wife, a mother, and someone who counts her blessings daily.

As I look back and read my old entries, I am amazed and in awe of all that has happened to me. I remember writing an entry on crossroads when I was wondering whether to leave the Air Force. I was wondering whether I made the right choice - starting a new job in Colorado and a new marriage and leaving behind the unsettled life of the Air Force. I also have a new job now which I joined in 2005 which has turned out great and I work now with people who respect me and truly value me and my work. So, as I come back to Blog, can I say anything now in reflection of those times?

Of course, in retrospect I can say that I made the right choices and as a result, have a beautiful child who is the joy of our lives. My marriage is on the right track and hopefully, growing a little more in love daily. My job is wonderful and the people truly need me there. Of course, in retrospect I can say all of this because now, over 18 months after the last post, I can say things turned out quite well. But, that can change in a few minutes so I will not sit here and say life is perfect. Life is anything but perfect but it is our attitudes, our feelings, and the words we use with others that make our life what it is... it can either be bitter, negative, and hopeless or it can be .... PERFECT in our eyes.

Recently, my sister-in-law started to blog and it reminded me of how much fun I used to have writing stories and sharing "life" on this blog. I have so many blogs I saved and did not publish - it was nice to have an online journal tracking the happenings in my life and think about issues, politics, work, and my relationships. I also noticed a couple of blogs I used to follow have started to add entries - So, to all you bloggers out there- thanks for inspiring me to start again on this. It is good to be back and back when my life has changed so much for the better. Stay tuned...