As promised, I would finish my top ten list with 5 more things I am greatful for. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot more but I think these round out the list. If you look at the September listings, I listed five there. Here are some more:
Six, I am very thankful that I am married to such a wonderful man. I know, I know, no one is perfect. I am not and neither is he and our relationship is certainly not perfect but he is such a good husband and a great father. It is through my daughter's eyes that I get to see the side of him I never knew. He loves our daughter more than anything and I know he does the right thing when it comes to our family. So, I am thankful for him – no comparisons, I am truly lucky to be with a partner like him in this life.
Seven, as my husband reminded me yesterday when we talked, if you don’t have your health, you really do not have anything and it made me realize how fortunate I was despite a root canal recently, and minor things going on, we all have our health including my daughter who is growing cuter daily.
Eight, in these tough economic times, and what is going on in the world, it is truly a blessing to have shelter, food, and nothing to really worry about. Sure, everything can change in an instant, but I am greatful that we have enough to carry us through if we need to go without for a little while. Fortunately both of us have upbringings to get through tough times as well if we need to. There are those who have nothing so I am very happy with where I am in life and what we have. I really could not ask for more right now in the way of wealth- I feel like the top 7 I have listed already have me covered.
Nine, there is nothing like feeling the first kicks and rolls in your belly from your unborn child. I wish a man could experience these feelings and these motions. As a woman, I am thankful that I get to experience pregnancy - with all that it brings. I am truly blessed to be pregnant with our second child who is kicking, elbowing, and squirming around inside me. There is no greater joy than to spend time with your child no matter how old but it is truly something else to feel that child developing inside of you and responding to what you drink, what you say, what you feel, and react to the world outside the womb.
Ten, I recently took over my own office as head of a legal office on an Air Force base- as part of a Wing. What a great feeling! Not the power, not the title, but the fact that someone entrusted me and saw my leadership potential to permit to progress in this manner. It is quite the feeling of responsibility, trust, and respect and I feel blessed to have this new position. It is a lot of work, and it means sacrificing for your people, and working hard to ensure your office stays the best – that it communicates well, that it functions well, and that we stay within our budgetary means. It is a lot but I feel so blessed to have this opportunity.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
The consummate conflict of balance in a joint family
My mother has returned to stay with us for a couple of months and with that comes my dad to visit for a short period of time (okay, so 10 days is not short by American standards but by Indian standards it is). Along with that, my brother will soon visit too. While having family close by, having family live with you can bring conflict and the desire for balance. So, in light of recent events in our home, I have come to several thought-provoking several realizations over the past few days.
For one, it is really a roller coaster for all parties involved- my husband and I, and my daughter have to get adjusted to a new entity in our home which is family. While that is nice, we finally work out kinks in our system, get used to the person and the new “system” and then my mom is gone. So, we spend time trying to get retooled so to speak to life, the kitchen, and the lack of company. Conversely, I am sure my mom goes through the same process. She is queen of her castle back on the east coast and coming to be part of our house I am sure is a difficult transition for her as well. She gets used to it, develops a routine, creates a system for herself, and boom – it is gone a couple of months later and she is back at home, alone and without grandkid to keep her occupied.
Second, there is a fine balancing act when your newly formed family is living with another family- ie. what I refer to as a "joint family". I think there are especially problems when the person who lives with you does not know boundaries and you cannot establish them because of cultural norms. The balancing act is one of spending time with your spouse and children alone versus including that third party in your activities. It is essential to find privacy to talk with your spouse, spend quality time with your spouse outside the presence of that third person and continue to maintain balance with your kids. While your kids love grandma and grandpa, it is important that you are the final enforcer, disciplinarian, and decision maker with regards to curfew, discipline, food, and other issues. I think if the third party gets involved and exceed their boundaries, their involvement could undermine the entire balance between you and your kids.
Third, as I have learned recently, it is important to keep the channels of communication open between you and your spouse even if it means e-mailing, calling, or writing to each other to avoid an open dispute or discussion in front of the third party in your home. If the two of you can find a quiet private moment to talk-great, but if not, it is vital to at least communicate via other means so that you are on the same page and can still be a team when it comes to issues that may arise in the home.
I, for one, find it very difficult with someone else living with us even though I cherish the help. It is difficult because because it seems that we have gotten used to our life, and doing things our way and while my mom has been a big help, you sometimes wonder if it is worth it. I think having family living with you puts a strain on things as it is but for extended periods of time, it can be trying for a marriage. That was the case last time my mom was in town. For me, recently, I have experienced something a little different. I think because we have opened the communication channels and are able to talk about things, my spouse and I find our relationship strengthened. After all, we need to be team especially if we are going to tackle many issues as a team. I find myself closer to my spouse and hopefully that can continue as we journey the next two months. It is hard enough to balance life as a family of three or four (kids included) getting used to each other’s schedules, needs, and wants, and then to add a third party into the mix, to live as a joint family, is even more trying. I am not sure people in India and China even do it anymore (well, middle to upper class are moving away from that norm anyway).
I think the important thing is to find balance and to keep communication lines open so that all parties can get through it. Yelling and jumping to conclusions or making assumptions that are not true erode that balance so, it is better to talk things through logically and in a calm manner. In the end, I think people can live in joint families but it takes a lot of effort, understanding, balance, and communication. It requires appropriate boundaries and perhaps subtly discussing issues troubling the relationship. More importantly, for a successful venture, all parties require these important traits.
For one, it is really a roller coaster for all parties involved- my husband and I, and my daughter have to get adjusted to a new entity in our home which is family. While that is nice, we finally work out kinks in our system, get used to the person and the new “system” and then my mom is gone. So, we spend time trying to get retooled so to speak to life, the kitchen, and the lack of company. Conversely, I am sure my mom goes through the same process. She is queen of her castle back on the east coast and coming to be part of our house I am sure is a difficult transition for her as well. She gets used to it, develops a routine, creates a system for herself, and boom – it is gone a couple of months later and she is back at home, alone and without grandkid to keep her occupied.
Second, there is a fine balancing act when your newly formed family is living with another family- ie. what I refer to as a "joint family". I think there are especially problems when the person who lives with you does not know boundaries and you cannot establish them because of cultural norms. The balancing act is one of spending time with your spouse and children alone versus including that third party in your activities. It is essential to find privacy to talk with your spouse, spend quality time with your spouse outside the presence of that third person and continue to maintain balance with your kids. While your kids love grandma and grandpa, it is important that you are the final enforcer, disciplinarian, and decision maker with regards to curfew, discipline, food, and other issues. I think if the third party gets involved and exceed their boundaries, their involvement could undermine the entire balance between you and your kids.
Third, as I have learned recently, it is important to keep the channels of communication open between you and your spouse even if it means e-mailing, calling, or writing to each other to avoid an open dispute or discussion in front of the third party in your home. If the two of you can find a quiet private moment to talk-great, but if not, it is vital to at least communicate via other means so that you are on the same page and can still be a team when it comes to issues that may arise in the home.
I, for one, find it very difficult with someone else living with us even though I cherish the help. It is difficult because because it seems that we have gotten used to our life, and doing things our way and while my mom has been a big help, you sometimes wonder if it is worth it. I think having family living with you puts a strain on things as it is but for extended periods of time, it can be trying for a marriage. That was the case last time my mom was in town. For me, recently, I have experienced something a little different. I think because we have opened the communication channels and are able to talk about things, my spouse and I find our relationship strengthened. After all, we need to be team especially if we are going to tackle many issues as a team. I find myself closer to my spouse and hopefully that can continue as we journey the next two months. It is hard enough to balance life as a family of three or four (kids included) getting used to each other’s schedules, needs, and wants, and then to add a third party into the mix, to live as a joint family, is even more trying. I am not sure people in India and China even do it anymore (well, middle to upper class are moving away from that norm anyway).
I think the important thing is to find balance and to keep communication lines open so that all parties can get through it. Yelling and jumping to conclusions or making assumptions that are not true erode that balance so, it is better to talk things through logically and in a calm manner. In the end, I think people can live in joint families but it takes a lot of effort, understanding, balance, and communication. It requires appropriate boundaries and perhaps subtly discussing issues troubling the relationship. More importantly, for a successful venture, all parties require these important traits.
Monday, October 06, 2008
To work or not work - that is the question
Recently, since we are expecting our second child, I have contemplated more and more the prospect of only doing my military AF Reserves job and quitting my full-time job. With this of course, there would be a lot of changes in lifestyle both for me and for my husband. If I could go part-time, I think that would permit me the best of both worlds, but alas, that decision is up to someone in a higher pay grade than me. In either case, as a family makes a decision like this, it has to be prepared to address the obvious: What tax changes do we need to make? Should we change exemptions to ensure we get the maximum money take-home? What other cuts need to be made? Do we really need full pledged cable TV or can we get by with basic? What about cell phone plans? Can they be downgraded or eliminated? What type of budget do we live on now and what can be cut?
As you approach making this type of decision, you should do a test run for 2 months. You should pretend that one person is not making any money, or if one person is on maternity leave, then you can have one person make nothing and all bills should be paid by one person with the take-home pay being changed to reflect what you would make if only one person were working. It is important to let one person pick up the lion share of the bills and then see how you fare at the end of the month. If after 2 months, you determine that this would not work, then there are other options to consider and of course, more areas to cut. In any case, it is not an easy decision and should not be made within a few days or even weeks but with proper planning and foresight.
As you approach making this type of decision, you should do a test run for 2 months. You should pretend that one person is not making any money, or if one person is on maternity leave, then you can have one person make nothing and all bills should be paid by one person with the take-home pay being changed to reflect what you would make if only one person were working. It is important to let one person pick up the lion share of the bills and then see how you fare at the end of the month. If after 2 months, you determine that this would not work, then there are other options to consider and of course, more areas to cut. In any case, it is not an easy decision and should not be made within a few days or even weeks but with proper planning and foresight.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
The Double Standard
Recently I have become painfully aware of the double standard that we hold women to versus men. I am guilty it of myself. When I first heard about Palin as VP, qualifications or lack there of aside, I found myself wondering about her young infant child and asking questions like, why isn't she caring for that little one. I found myself questioning her values as a new mom and whether she is breastfeeding or not. As a result of that and the discussions I have had with my friends, I have wondered, is the double standard alive and well in our society? Woman can fly fighter jets, serve in combat, write nobel peace prize winning books and poetry, run for Vice-President, and manage a multi-million dollar company but the truth remains- there is a double standard against females in our advanced world.
Unfortunately, that is how our society is. Fortunately, we live in America where it is still better for women than most other countries. In my own life, I see a double standard set for myself as opposed to my for my husband. My biggest pet peeve with my husband is his weekly entertainment. While I am gone from home alot for work, both my second job of serving in the Air Force Reserves and business travel for my primary job, my husband does not travel on business at all. Therefore, I think he tends to feel the need to get away more to go play poker and other games of chance at the local casinos. It is not something I have ever enjoyed nor do I think I would come to like. Of course, with a kid or two at home, it is not an activity we can both partake in anyway. In either case, the double standard here is that his entertainment will take him away an average of 9 hours per week with him arriving home long after 2am sometimes. If the casinos were open later, I wonder if he'd come home by morning light.
I couldn't help but wonder that if it was the woman who was coming home at 2-3am every week - not for a job but simply from dancing and drinking with her friends, how would that fly with society and family? Now, I am not saying that his trips to the casinos are wrong or right, but in light of my recent consideration of Palin being away from her infant child, I could not help but wonder what people would be saying about me if I were the one taking these late night trips away from my daughter? I can only imagine the comments. She's a slut who does not care for her family or her child. She is probably sleeping around- even if that were not true. She is irresponsible and has no self-control. What are the comments about a man when he is gone - Oh he just needs an outlet. He needs to get away from his nagging wife and screaming child so it is okay. It is at night when the kid is asleep so I guess that is okay. He is not the breastfeeder or the primary care provider so it's okay. The guy needs to just get away- come on! These comments are not limited to just a guy's night out or poker trips or when a guy plays video games a lot, you would hear the same comments for the guy who plays golf all the time, the guy who is an avid skiier and is gone on weekends alot in the Winter, and so on. But, if a woman wanted to do these activities every week or every weekend, I do not think it would be cool. After all, then when is she ever at home? Who is watching the kid? Shouldn't she be devoting herself to the family she chose to have?
Now as far as Palin- I think she is an idiot and she is scary to say the least and it has nothing to do with her personal life. It has everything with what she stands for - Abstinence, Pro-life even in cases of rape and incest, her acceptance of earmarks for Alaska, her economic policies or lack there of, her desire to teach creation in public schools (probably along side with abstinence), her poor environmental record, her support of oil and gas, her lack of support for science and research especially on stem cell researched, and her underlying right wing conservative Christianity values injected into our Government. There is much more on her policies that scare the crap out of me but it is interesting to note that I also am concerned about her ability to lead based on her home and family life. In either case, this recent development has made me consider my own bias and my own judgment of women in and outside the home. There is truly a double standard, a glass ceiling that woman have that is often hard to overcome.
Unfortunately, that is how our society is. Fortunately, we live in America where it is still better for women than most other countries. In my own life, I see a double standard set for myself as opposed to my for my husband. My biggest pet peeve with my husband is his weekly entertainment. While I am gone from home alot for work, both my second job of serving in the Air Force Reserves and business travel for my primary job, my husband does not travel on business at all. Therefore, I think he tends to feel the need to get away more to go play poker and other games of chance at the local casinos. It is not something I have ever enjoyed nor do I think I would come to like. Of course, with a kid or two at home, it is not an activity we can both partake in anyway. In either case, the double standard here is that his entertainment will take him away an average of 9 hours per week with him arriving home long after 2am sometimes. If the casinos were open later, I wonder if he'd come home by morning light.
I couldn't help but wonder that if it was the woman who was coming home at 2-3am every week - not for a job but simply from dancing and drinking with her friends, how would that fly with society and family? Now, I am not saying that his trips to the casinos are wrong or right, but in light of my recent consideration of Palin being away from her infant child, I could not help but wonder what people would be saying about me if I were the one taking these late night trips away from my daughter? I can only imagine the comments. She's a slut who does not care for her family or her child. She is probably sleeping around- even if that were not true. She is irresponsible and has no self-control. What are the comments about a man when he is gone - Oh he just needs an outlet. He needs to get away from his nagging wife and screaming child so it is okay. It is at night when the kid is asleep so I guess that is okay. He is not the breastfeeder or the primary care provider so it's okay. The guy needs to just get away- come on! These comments are not limited to just a guy's night out or poker trips or when a guy plays video games a lot, you would hear the same comments for the guy who plays golf all the time, the guy who is an avid skiier and is gone on weekends alot in the Winter, and so on. But, if a woman wanted to do these activities every week or every weekend, I do not think it would be cool. After all, then when is she ever at home? Who is watching the kid? Shouldn't she be devoting herself to the family she chose to have?
Now as far as Palin- I think she is an idiot and she is scary to say the least and it has nothing to do with her personal life. It has everything with what she stands for - Abstinence, Pro-life even in cases of rape and incest, her acceptance of earmarks for Alaska, her economic policies or lack there of, her desire to teach creation in public schools (probably along side with abstinence), her poor environmental record, her support of oil and gas, her lack of support for science and research especially on stem cell researched, and her underlying right wing conservative Christianity values injected into our Government. There is much more on her policies that scare the crap out of me but it is interesting to note that I also am concerned about her ability to lead based on her home and family life. In either case, this recent development has made me consider my own bias and my own judgment of women in and outside the home. There is truly a double standard, a glass ceiling that woman have that is often hard to overcome.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Milestones
My daughter pee'ed in the potty yesterday and I about died... I am sure she had no idea what she was doing but it was nonetheless very exciting for me. She has never done this before but recently, for fun, she will at least sit on the potty. To actually have her take that first step was exciting. I have no idea where it will go from here- it could months to potty train for her for real but it is still exciting. I started thinking about all her other milestones - from latching on the first time to feed as a very tiny baby to holding her neck up to crawling to walking to babbling words. It is amazing to me that there will be so many more milestones for my child. It makes all my accomplishments pale in comparison and I am sure as she grows up, it will only be more and more milestones to look forward to. In the meantime, I will wait in anticipation as another milestone magically just happens. This is truly life at its best.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
But for the grace of God go .... You!
Recently, I have become that parent who has the screaming child or the cranky child on an airplane, at a restaurant, the grocery store, or some other public place where people can gawk at me and judge me. I am getting better and better at ignoring the world around me but it is tough to completely shut out the people. After all, we live in a society. Boarding at Denver this time, on our way to New Orleans, our daughter got a little unruly as we strolled her down the jetway. She wanted to be held which is tough for me because my arm gets tired and with a backpack and a purse, holding her is tough to do. Needless to say, the peanut gallery (2 women who are probably barren) had the nerve to talk pretty loud about her outburst- loud enough for me to hear. I was a little aggravated and wanted my daughter to scream more to teach them lesson preferably through one of their naps or great reading moments on the plane - heehee (evil laugh). They were saying – "oh no, a screaming child - I hope we are not sitting near that!" I prayed that we were because exacting revenge is about all the ammo you have at that moment.
I can only imagine how parents feel travelling with multiple kids especially if one or two are special needs. It is hard enough to be a parent much less travelling with small children. Then, to hear mockery and comments from losers around you, that is even harder. I agree that sitting next to a screaming child for a flight longer than 4 hours can be hard but I think you can suck it up for a 2-hour jaunt to the BIG EASY. Just because you cannot have children or choose not to does not mean that your environment will be free of children. The worst part is that people on planes have an expectation that kids will be quiet and color, sleep, or just quietly watch a DVD – not true. Not all kids can be focused like that and certainly all kids are different. Some are tired, some are sick, and some have special needs. Some are just lively - so sue me! My child is lively and man, does she have a mind of her own - hey, she may find a cure for cancer someday. :-) What people do not understand is that staring, talking about the parents and the kid where they can hear you, or giving dirty looks make things worse. I no longer discipline my kid when she wants to kick the seat in front of her – go ahead – kick away- especially when the person in the front of us is a moron and does not understand. My message to you people - Caveat Emptor! When you travel or go to a public place including a restaurant you should expect some noise from my screaming child and if you do not have that expectation, perhaps the problem is not mine- it is yours! Now come on – get real – I do not take my child to fancy restaurants or inappropriate kid places like nightclubs but when I am at Red Lobster, Olive Garden or Applebee’s and I see you complaining and looking at me, I do not feel bad for you nor will I discipline my child not because I do not care about my kid but mainly because I do not care what you think! I will do what I have to do and need to do to raise my child without your judgment as a factor.
Needless to say, I am getting better at ignoring the world around me and not feeling so embarrassed. At first I was mortified if my daughter screamed - now, I just sorta hope for the best. Not much else you can do really. I am getting better but I am not 100% there yet. And to all of you who think you have the best kids in the world.... Ha! But for the Grace of God go ... You.
I can only imagine how parents feel travelling with multiple kids especially if one or two are special needs. It is hard enough to be a parent much less travelling with small children. Then, to hear mockery and comments from losers around you, that is even harder. I agree that sitting next to a screaming child for a flight longer than 4 hours can be hard but I think you can suck it up for a 2-hour jaunt to the BIG EASY. Just because you cannot have children or choose not to does not mean that your environment will be free of children. The worst part is that people on planes have an expectation that kids will be quiet and color, sleep, or just quietly watch a DVD – not true. Not all kids can be focused like that and certainly all kids are different. Some are tired, some are sick, and some have special needs. Some are just lively - so sue me! My child is lively and man, does she have a mind of her own - hey, she may find a cure for cancer someday. :-) What people do not understand is that staring, talking about the parents and the kid where they can hear you, or giving dirty looks make things worse. I no longer discipline my kid when she wants to kick the seat in front of her – go ahead – kick away- especially when the person in the front of us is a moron and does not understand. My message to you people - Caveat Emptor! When you travel or go to a public place including a restaurant you should expect some noise from my screaming child and if you do not have that expectation, perhaps the problem is not mine- it is yours! Now come on – get real – I do not take my child to fancy restaurants or inappropriate kid places like nightclubs but when I am at Red Lobster, Olive Garden or Applebee’s and I see you complaining and looking at me, I do not feel bad for you nor will I discipline my child not because I do not care about my kid but mainly because I do not care what you think! I will do what I have to do and need to do to raise my child without your judgment as a factor.
Needless to say, I am getting better at ignoring the world around me and not feeling so embarrassed. At first I was mortified if my daughter screamed - now, I just sorta hope for the best. Not much else you can do really. I am getting better but I am not 100% there yet. And to all of you who think you have the best kids in the world.... Ha! But for the Grace of God go ... You.
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