Get an Endodontist for God's Sake

As promised, here is another installment of pain and unpleasantries at the dentist at what feels like my 10th appointment (4th really) over this damn root canal. It has been a nightmare and it seems like it never ends. There is something to be said about paying more to get an expert to complete it in one or two sittings. Now, I have to go back to get a permanent which should be ready in 2 weeks but who knows.

The appointment started with my asking questions I should have asked much much earlier. Like, hello, is this last appointment? Is the tool in that he needed last time but was not in? What about the permanent? Can I get that today or do I need to come back one more time? The hygenist, frankly, seemed annoyed with me. She thought I was being "difficult" because I asked questions. Warning #1. The dentist could not stop singing today - Warning #2. And the final straw was when they wanted to take an X-ray which is why I stuck with these losers in the first place. I almost lost it. Warning #3. When your hygenist calls your dentist "BABY" or HONEY, you know you may not be in a professional office environment. Warning #4. Needless to say, I cannot wait til this tooth stuff is done and I can find a new dentist. Maybe I will go to my husband's. It is far away from my work but he has had good experiences, or I will ask around at the office and see who else is out there. It is so hard to find good medical and dental care these days, that it is a miracle there are still some good ones out there. I, unfortunately, have had some rough experiences at this dentist that I hope no one ever has.

Tylenol 3 (with Codeine) here I come I suppose!

God can be cruel sometimes

I heard another story this past week of a couple who could not conceive or have children. Great marriage - great people but they could not have kids. Since they wanted to share their love and wealth, they unselfishly adopted not one but two boys - one of whom was troubled and caused many issues for them. I have heard many a stories of women who try and try and cannot have kids. When I was visiting my hometown last month, I heard that my ex-boyfriend and his wife could not conceive so they had to adopt 2 kids- one boy, one girl as well. I had no idea. Not that adoption is horrible but there is a difference I think in having your own and adopting. I think it is wonderful and truly amazing how selfless couples who have so much love to give adopt and give their love to a kid who otherwise may not get a shot. I think it is admirable really because I am not sure I could do it. I remember my own step-grandmother could not have kids of her own - she conceived three times but all ended in miscarriage. My grandfather already had 3 kids from his first marriage so they did not adopt but it certainly makes you wonder what is at play when these types of things occur.

Conversely, there are those people who are procreating who really have no business doing so. The mom who thinks it is a good idea to give birth in a toilet hoping the "problem" will just be flushed away. The father who did not want to be a father so drops off a newborn in a dumpster. The mother who starves her child because she thinks the baby needs to be punished for crying. There are countless other stories of people who are able to conceive with no problems and bring children into the world who are otherwise not wanted, mistreated, or left to die.

It just baffles me that perfectly great people who want to have children sometimes cannot and I always wonder how God allows that to happen. I am sure there is some rhyme or reason but it makes no sense to me. As I hear more and more stories of those not able to conceive or have children of their own, I truly believe there is a plan for them and the kids they end up adopting, but I just do not understand it yet.

I am NOT "just" a mom

It has occurred to me lately that there is more life to working, travelling, hobbies or watching your favorite shows and movies. Lord knows I cannot get through a movie any longer without interruption so I continue to multi-task. There is more to being just a mom too. Sure, it is a catchy title and can imply a lot to someone who hears you are a mom – busy, responsible, preoccupied, multi-tasker, superwoman, or nuts are some words people think of but I think being a mom is all of those words and so much more.

Being a mom requires an enormous amount of patience – it is built over time and truly becomes a virtue. Being a mom requires a lot of understanding – towards your spouse, your parents and others who offer advice constantly, towards society as a whole, towards your intolerant boss who doesn’t quite get it, and of course, understanding towards the child as well. Being a mom requires sacrifice – tremendous amounts of it. Some moms give up their last piece of favorite dessert so their child can enjoy it but some moms give up a lot more for their child. Some moms will sacrifice their career or at least put it on hold. Some moms put hobbies and interests on hold so they can play with their kids and help them develop at a critical time. Moms make sacrifices daily – some are not even noticed because they seem so natural to the mom. Being a mom means not getting all the sleep you need especially when the child is sick or injured- she will often sleep walk to check on her baby and not even know it. But in her heart, she knows the baby is fine. Being a mom is more about love and understanding than most men or people care to realize. Being a mom is heart and soul, 24-7.

Being a mom is more than a full-time job, and so much more than a career- it is a full-time, around the clock profession. When a mom is asked at 3am by her child for something, she does not clock out or turn away but rather tries to help. When her baby or toddler has wet the bed at 4am, mom cannot roll over and go back to sleep- she jumps up and considers it a call to duty and even when she cannot go back to bed, she prays that her child does so he or she is well-rested. When a mom prays in church, at the synagogue, the temple or to a God of her choosing, she does not ask anything for herself but rather for her children- “let them be safe- give their sorrows and troubles to me and let them be forever…free.”

Yes, moms are underrated in our society- they are undervalued. Not everyone woman has been blessed enough to become a mom and not every mother can a “mom” but the woman who can is not just any ole mommy- she is truly a God send, a helper sent down to create, to nurture, to educate, to train, to make whole this new little being who has a piece of God within so that one day, that little creature may too … be more than “just” a mommy. And if you are also blessed to be a mom of a son, I pray that you teach him the value and the worth of a mom because it is often men in our world who teach and preach that a mom be undervalued because she is “just” a mom. I pray that your son grows up to be more than just a “daddy”.

Oops! I ate my crown!

Yesterday, as if things could not get worse with this whole tooth situation which has dragged on now for well over 8 weeks, I ate the temporary crown that my dentist put on my poor tooth. So, around 430pm, I was sneakily enjoying a twix bar when the crown came out. Oh gross, I thought. It was only 430pm, so I call my dentist’s office. You guessed it – this is the office that is open 7-4pm for 4 days week and then closed. It is a wonder anyone gets any care. So, I called the dental emergency number to ask what I should do. After all, it felt very weird without a crown. The dentist advised me to put it back in with some toothpaste or adhesive from Wal-Mart. What!? Really!? Okay…. So I put it back in but had no idea how loose it was.

When I got home, I had one bite of something and discovered the crown was gone. No where to be found so the obvious conclusion was – Yep, I ate it. Great! This is going to be great as it goes down. Needless to say, it was weird to not have a temporary crown on and feel the exposed canals and the tooth. It did not hurt but it sure felt strange and I felt empty.

At 7am, I was surprised when the dental office actually answered its phones. That pleasant surprise led to an 8am visit to the dentist and they redid a temporary for me. I have come to several conclusions about this place and this entire incident – One, I really liked my dental care with the military when everything was done in one visit. None of this go back and see them 5 times. Two, I really prefer to have doctors and providers who are open 5 days a week and if necessary, do an emergency clinic on weekends. I remember, in Germany, a military dentist did an after -hours look at my filling – he had worked on it the day before. He had me to come to his house and took a look and saw it was infected. He took care of me right away. Now, that’s service! Three, next time I ever have to have root canals or more complicated than a filling done, I am going to ask for a referral for an endodontist. This is their specialty and while they may cost more, in the long run, it costs you less. I only stuck with these yahoos because I did not want X-rays done – well, a little radiation never harmed a fetus in the second and third trimester and this might have been the time to let those fears go in favor of better oral care.

My next appointment and hopefully last is on Monday morning. Stay tuned for another fun and pain-filled blog. ‘Til then, if you have a temporary, try not to eat it.

My Top Ten List - here's 5 more

As promised, I would finish my top ten list with 5 more things I am greatful for. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot more but I think these round out the list. If you look at the September listings, I listed five there. Here are some more:

Six, I am very thankful that I am married to such a wonderful man. I know, I know, no one is perfect. I am not and neither is he and our relationship is certainly not perfect but he is such a good husband and a great father. It is through my daughter's eyes that I get to see the side of him I never knew. He loves our daughter more than anything and I know he does the right thing when it comes to our family. So, I am thankful for him – no comparisons, I am truly lucky to be with a partner like him in this life.

Seven, as my husband reminded me yesterday when we talked, if you don’t have your health, you really do not have anything and it made me realize how fortunate I was despite a root canal recently, and minor things going on, we all have our health including my daughter who is growing cuter daily.

Eight, in these tough economic times, and what is going on in the world, it is truly a blessing to have shelter, food, and nothing to really worry about. Sure, everything can change in an instant, but I am greatful that we have enough to carry us through if we need to go without for a little while. Fortunately both of us have upbringings to get through tough times as well if we need to. There are those who have nothing so I am very happy with where I am in life and what we have. I really could not ask for more right now in the way of wealth- I feel like the top 7 I have listed already have me covered.

Nine, there is nothing like feeling the first kicks and rolls in your belly from your unborn child. I wish a man could experience these feelings and these motions. As a woman, I am thankful that I get to experience pregnancy - with all that it brings. I am truly blessed to be pregnant with our second child who is kicking, elbowing, and squirming around inside me. There is no greater joy than to spend time with your child no matter how old but it is truly something else to feel that child developing inside of you and responding to what you drink, what you say, what you feel, and react to the world outside the womb.

Ten, I recently took over my own office as head of a legal office on an Air Force base- as part of a Wing. What a great feeling! Not the power, not the title, but the fact that someone entrusted me and saw my leadership potential to permit to progress in this manner. It is quite the feeling of responsibility, trust, and respect and I feel blessed to have this new position. It is a lot of work, and it means sacrificing for your people, and working hard to ensure your office stays the best – that it communicates well, that it functions well, and that we stay within our budgetary means. It is a lot but I feel so blessed to have this opportunity.

The consummate conflict of balance in a joint family

My mother has returned to stay with us for a couple of months and with that comes my dad to visit for a short period of time (okay, so 10 days is not short by American standards but by Indian standards it is). Along with that, my brother will soon visit too. While having family close by, having family live with you can bring conflict and the desire for balance. So, in light of recent events in our home, I have come to several thought-provoking several realizations over the past few days.

For one, it is really a roller coaster for all parties involved- my husband and I, and my daughter have to get adjusted to a new entity in our home which is family. While that is nice, we finally work out kinks in our system, get used to the person and the new “system” and then my mom is gone. So, we spend time trying to get retooled so to speak to life, the kitchen, and the lack of company. Conversely, I am sure my mom goes through the same process. She is queen of her castle back on the east coast and coming to be part of our house I am sure is a difficult transition for her as well. She gets used to it, develops a routine, creates a system for herself, and boom – it is gone a couple of months later and she is back at home, alone and without grandkid to keep her occupied.

Second, there is a fine balancing act when your newly formed family is living with another family- ie. what I refer to as a "joint family". I think there are especially problems when the person who lives with you does not know boundaries and you cannot establish them because of cultural norms. The balancing act is one of spending time with your spouse and children alone versus including that third party in your activities. It is essential to find privacy to talk with your spouse, spend quality time with your spouse outside the presence of that third person and continue to maintain balance with your kids. While your kids love grandma and grandpa, it is important that you are the final enforcer, disciplinarian, and decision maker with regards to curfew, discipline, food, and other issues. I think if the third party gets involved and exceed their boundaries, their involvement could undermine the entire balance between you and your kids.

Third, as I have learned recently, it is important to keep the channels of communication open between you and your spouse even if it means e-mailing, calling, or writing to each other to avoid an open dispute or discussion in front of the third party in your home. If the two of you can find a quiet private moment to talk-great, but if not, it is vital to at least communicate via other means so that you are on the same page and can still be a team when it comes to issues that may arise in the home.

I, for one, find it very difficult with someone else living with us even though I cherish the help. It is difficult because because it seems that we have gotten used to our life, and doing things our way and while my mom has been a big help, you sometimes wonder if it is worth it. I think having family living with you puts a strain on things as it is but for extended periods of time, it can be trying for a marriage. That was the case last time my mom was in town. For me, recently, I have experienced something a little different. I think because we have opened the communication channels and are able to talk about things, my spouse and I find our relationship strengthened. After all, we need to be team especially if we are going to tackle many issues as a team. I find myself closer to my spouse and hopefully that can continue as we journey the next two months. It is hard enough to balance life as a family of three or four (kids included) getting used to each other’s schedules, needs, and wants, and then to add a third party into the mix, to live as a joint family, is even more trying. I am not sure people in India and China even do it anymore (well, middle to upper class are moving away from that norm anyway).

I think the important thing is to find balance and to keep communication lines open so that all parties can get through it. Yelling and jumping to conclusions or making assumptions that are not true erode that balance so, it is better to talk things through logically and in a calm manner. In the end, I think people can live in joint families but it takes a lot of effort, understanding, balance, and communication. It requires appropriate boundaries and perhaps subtly discussing issues troubling the relationship. More importantly, for a successful venture, all parties require these important traits.