Stepping into the shoes of others

So recently I have been sleep deprived, experiencing some major life changes, and of course, the usual post-partum hormones and I started to have some rage towards my innocent daughters. Of course, I know it is not their fault. For example, it is not my 3-week old daughter's fault she needs fat to sustain early life and so she gets up every 2 hours to my great dismay. My other daughter gets up all the time and is not a self soother because we never trained her for sleeping and now almost 2 years old, she needs assistance and cries a lot when her needs are not met. Add that crying onto the every 2 hour wakings from the infant, and you have a lethal combination of frustration - mix in lack of sleep and sheer exhaustion, add daily annoyances like dealing with bills, errors in billing, health care costs, reduced income due to maternity leave, and house guests, and that makes for a lethal formula.

So during those late night feedings, I try to think of fun things like movies. I could not remember the name of this one movie I loved - they did a Bollywood remake of it called "Mann". Yes, while "An Affair to Remember" is not how my life is, at least I still have my legs, during late night feedings, I also contemplate how people cope with daily life. Especially since I hear about people committing heinous crimes like going on a killing spree or killing their own children, I start to wonder and start to imagine what their lives are like. I used to be a criminal defense attorney but I represented relatively sane, average people and no one who committed murder. But I started to think to myself, what is going on in their lives that produced a lethal formula for them? Did a chemical or hormonal imbalance add to that already weakened state? Moreover, I think to myself, if even the strongest person could break from the pressure, what's to say that the already predisposed couldn't be pushed over the edge even easier? So, I know they are predisposed and then a combination of items can push them over the top. It is interesting because in law school I studied the insanity defense at length and learned it even better representing those accused of crimes but, M'Naughten's Rule applies narrowly and it seems to require the person to not be able to distinguish right from wrong. So, I wonder what the reasonable person standard is when applied to a person who has completely lost rationale thought - what goes through a mom's head as she drowns her own three children? Does anything go through her head or is she just nuts?

I mean, I got mad at my 2 year old last night and within seconds, cried, hugged her and said momma was sorry. It was 2am. But, what would it take for a person predisposed to crime and insanity to just snap? I hope I never have to step into the shoes of someone who has committed such heinous crimes to offer a defense because it is tough but I have to say, after 3 weeks of not sleeping well, and going through some changes, experiencing other stressors, and two crying kids at home, I can somehow understand the factors that may contribute to a person snapping. Granted, I have it great compared to the people who may go through this but I still can't help but wonder what makes people just go ... well, nuts.

Torn: A Tale of Two Daughters

I know I am writing this only 3-weeks post partum after having our second daughter but I already feel torn between taking care of the two of them and divided loyalties. It has been a tough few weeks as my husband and I try to find balance in our lives- balance between taking care of a newborn, life in general, our marriage, work, and of course, trying to get enough rest so that we can do all of the above. For me, I have always needed more sleep than the average person so having one kid was hard enough. I have not slept through the night in about 24 months - my sleep was waning away even as I was in the third trimester with my first one. So, for about 2 years now, I have not slept well. There are no signs of this getting better and in fact, if anything, it has gotten worse. At least with the first one, we just let her sleep with us, and we found a balance - we had settled into a routine. Now, all that has changed yet again and change, as we all know, is tough to take on top of 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night.

So.... I started thinking today how much I feel torn on most days and nights between my two girls. My infant needs me because I am breastfeeding. She is not even three weeks old yet! So, she needs a lot of care- diapering, feeding, burping. The list never ends. Then, there's my 22-month old who also needs me. She needs me to put her down for a nap in the afternoon, feed her good nutritious foods, diaper her too, and of course, spend time playing with her- whether it is reading, playing blocks, helping her in her pretend kitchen, or just encouraging her to learn, she needs a lot of attention too. And of course, without fail, my newborn will wake up screaming right when I am doing something with my toddler. So, I write this blog because I feel what most parents feel when their lives change in this manner- TORN! It is tough but I am trying to find the right balance and when possible, have my husband take the other one so that I can tend to the right one at the right time. It is a balancing act for sure but I will continue to try to prioritize depending on need and what has to come first at that time. I am sure this saga of being torn will continue so stay tuned for parts 2, 3, 4 and 5.

Billing Practices of Healthcare providers & Insurance

I recently had yet another experience with a healthcare provider billing me for a trivial item and it turning into a $100 copay with the insurance company. What? I thought. All the doc did was examine me with a scope and I got charged for a surgery from my insurance company. This happened twice because after the first visit, there was no bill. When I called to dispute this because of lack of knowledge, the doc's office manager insisted that is how they bill. I am writing this blog to make people aware that they need to talk with their insurance provider and the medical doctor before they get anything done. Forget about life and death, this country is all about the insurance companies (HMOs and PPOs) and the pockets of the medical doctors.

Don't get me wrong- there are medical doctors out there who would not bill like this and would work with a patient. I have had this happen in the past. But, this was not one those doctors. I will not be returning to this doctor or recommending her to others - in fact, I already filled out several surveys cautioning people on the billing practices of this particular office but I would recommend that before you see specialists or have ANYTHING done by any medical provider, you ask the right questions - is this covered by insurance? Is this considered a surgical procedure? If that means you stop the appointment short and leave to call your insurance, I would do it. It is sad that you have to worry about this in addition to the medical problems you are seeking help for, but that is the state of health care in our country and frankly, it stinks.

I hope that one day we can worry about our health and seek prevention instead of having to see doctors after the fact. I hope we can have a good health care system in our country that cares about the patient instead of the bottom line and more importantly, health care providers that truly want to work with you and provide great "customer" care or patient care instead of sticking it to you and talking with you like you are just another number. I remember a time when doctors would make house calls and they were like family. That is no longer the case - HMOs, PPOs and insurance companies have replaced what was once family doctors. It is all about the bottom line now - the copays, the codes, the treatment codes, and the patient is generally not even a factor anymore.

Changing family dynamics

We brought home our new baby girl two weeks ago and it has been quite a LONG two weeks. With a 21-month old at home already, bringing a new baby into the home has changed the family dynamics quite a bit, disrupted everyone's routines, and thrown our household in a sleepless state of insanity. It seems like we are constantly running around- either chasing after the toddler, or diapering and feeding the newborn. Life has settled a bit in week two but week one seemed like a whirlwind and I could not believe how much life had changed instantly. It is nice to not have to take the newborn out with my mom staying at home with her but it is so important to have a routine for the toddler too. She needs to continue her bath time, story time, outings, and park time. While our toddler may be adjusting better than us, she still gets up in the middle night, adding more turmoil to an already stressed mommy who is up all the time feeding the baby.

We have decided to continue day care for our toddler for two or three days a week until mom adjusts or baby starts to sleep at night a little more but 'til then, the routine continues at our household and we just hope that in a few months time, things can settle down a bit. I do know one thing, it will NEVER be just my husband and me again - we are definitely a family and the sooner we accept that, the sooner everyone can settle down into a routine. The key I have found over the past two weeks is working with my husband as a team especially in the middle of the night when there are two girls crying out for us. Another thing we both know is that our days of sleeping in are definitely gone and in some cases, sleeping at all.

I am sure I will continue to report our trials and tribulations as our adventures continue.

The Labor of Love

I write this one week post-partum because I needed distance from the entire experience to gain perspective. They do not call it "labor" for nothing and the thing is, it does not end after the child is born, the "labor" of love continues throughout life once a child is born. From breastfeeding to sleepless nights caring for your child when he or she is suick; from hospital and doctor's visits to sleepless nights wondering where your teenager is; from worrying about how you'll pay for their education to sheer tears at their wedding, parents go through a lot but this blog is about the LABOR of love that mothers experience.

My labor of love has seen me through natural child births now- one two years and last week, my new baby girl's birth. It was quite the trying experience and even though it was shorter, it certainly wasn't any easier. I knew a little more what to expect this time and right down to the birthing room, I was comfortable with the hospital experience more this time than last. Still, it is scary and until your child is born, it is hard to know what will happen or what "turn" the labor and delivery would take. Fortunately, we got through this one okay as well. I had a lot of help and guidance and was surrounded by good people especially my husband.

But, alas, the pain does not end really after the baby is born - if you are having a second child, this is just the beginning. We had our two kids a bit close together so while our toddler who is almost two does not understand really what is going on, now we have introduced night-time feedings and wakings into our routine too. This combined with our toddler who has poor sleep habits makes for quite the hellish nights and leave us all looking and acting like zombies. For the first few days, I was ready to send our newborn back into the womb because it was a lot safer there for her and for me. Safer for her because our toddler is a bit rough with her new sister and safer for me because I would not have to face how tough it really is to care for a newborn and a toddler at the same time. But alas, my "labor" of love continues through the 1am nursing, the 430am crying of both children, comforting one through nursing and the other by letting her hold a lock of my hair. I know that dads "labor" too- they do things daily that show they love their child and make sacrifices but moms seem to carry the burden - from carrying the child for 9 months to labor and delivery; from nursing to staying up late nights comforting the child- nothing compares to moms.

No rest for the weary

We recently had a hospital stay for two nights after the birth of our second child. We learned from our first stay two years ago how the entire operation worked so this time we were not just better prepared for the hospital "lingo" but also better able to handle ourselves at the hospital. Hospitals are no place for rest. It seemed that Murphy's Law applies at a hospital stay more than anywhere else. Right when you fall asleep, someone decides to take your vitals, or right when your baby falls asleep, someone decides you need to undress him or her so they can check the vitals on the baby. What? Couldn't you do that in another few hours?

Despite the signs we put up on our door even the hospital-provided ones, people still found ways to disturb sleeping, labored-weary mom and newborn baby. The first night, we knew what to do - "for the love of God, take the baby to the nursery already!" It was almost midnite. The nurse threatened us, "well, if you do not feed the baby, we will give her a bottle in the nursery." My response after being a second time mom was.... "so what? feel free to give her as many bottles as you want. I am not worried about any type of confusion." I was more experienced and wiser because of the last time. In the end, the truth is, bottle or nipple, the baby turns out just fine. And because of what happened last time, I knew better. Needless to say, we did not get much rest. I was in pain all night and when I was not in pain, I had stomach issues because there was no food available after I delivered. I did manage to get about 3-4 hours of sleep and I guess that is what I have to look forward to from here on out.

The next day was more of the same- they wheeled in the baby around 630am and took my vitals and checked me. We must have changed like 10 nurses and each one had their own thoughts and opinions on things and even though my birth plan stated not to ask me my pain level (1-10) every two minutes, no one paid attention. So they kept irritating me with questions like that all the time. It was quite annoying. Then, the signs went up - do not disturb, shhhh napping, but it made no difference. People would stroll in and out of our room like it was okay. The picture lady came by; the folks who run tests on the baby's cord, and so on. It never ended. My doula came to visit when we were napping and the nurse always popped in and out. There was no end to the disturbances and napping was out of the question. That night though was the kicker. It was Oscar's night and I was fading fast. I needed sleep and they were not taking the baby to the nursery. The nurse told us there were not enough people in the nursery and they were understaffed so they could only take her for 3 hours. I was going delirious from lack of sleep and at 1130pm I finally went to the nurses' station and BEGGED them to please take the baby to the nursery because if I did not get sleep, I would lose my mind. It worked! They rolled her out at midnight and did not bother us until 650am when they returned her. I slept good and got 6 and a half hours... not much but let's face it, every hour counts from here on out.

Hospitals are no place for the weary to rest. You would think it would be but it is not. In the end, you have to just hope for the best, put your foot down, and be persistent. I did not let them guilt trip me into thinking there would be nipple confusion or that I had to breast feed at night. I was not going there again and so I was wiser. In the end, it is how you handle the staff and your mindset that will determine whether you get any rest at the hospital or not. More importantly, communicate with the staff and do let them know your expectations. There is a lot of turn over so you may have to repeat yourself several times. Happy Hospital Stay!