A concrete foundation

In a relationship, any relationship really - is it possible for people to start with a clean slate especially when there is so much said - so much hurt.

Everytime there is an argument, a fight, a discussion, or a mean word spoken, it erodes the very relationship we are in and insulting. That is the thing about relationships - some are built on a concrete foundation, some on wood, and others are built so weak that they can implode on their own.

In a relationship, like a house, depending on the foundation, can words and actions over time completely erode the home - a relationship based on wood, over time, the wood can rot and the entire house can cave in. Words, arguments, emotional and physical abuse can erode the entire house if our foundation is not solid.

So, how do you build a concrete foundation? The only way is for both people to work at it and take the time to seek the necessary help, the counseling, the assistance of good family support. All of these tools lead to building a solid concrete foundation in a relationship, in a marriage, so that it does not erode and get destroyed from the bottom up, or inside out. But it takes everything. But in the end, if you do it right, your "house" will stand.

What Noise?

I write this blog as I experience the modern-day nightmare of apartment living: The condo converted from an apartment complex. During the 2000 - 2003 housing boom, many apartment complexes got the wise and ass-backwards idea to turn apartments into condos, sell them, make a quick profit to unsuspecting buyers who wanted to get into the housing "market", and then do nothing regarding the shoddy construction.

Well, I am here to say that those people should be locked up (preferrably in these condos they built and sold), and the key thrown away! At the least, angry owners everwhere should band together and file a class action lawsuit on them for fraudulent misconduct. When a person converts an apartment into a condo, there are certain ramifications: structure, facilities, and of course, thin walls and noise. When condos and townhomes were built in the 1970s and 1980s, other than wood frame windows which were horrible, most construction was sound and firewalls existed. Since the 1990s, builders and developers seem to have forgotten that people - humans-would live in these shacks they attempt to pass off as condos and townhouses. The walls are super thin to the point where post-coital banter aside, you can hear people in their most intimate moments, not to mention, all other bodily functions.

When the little girl upstairs from us runs from one end to the other, my planter shakes and the utencils in the drawers too! When the guy upstairs gets excited about a play the Broncos just made, not only can he and his friends hear it, but me too - a disinterested neighbor. The walls are so thin in these so-called "condos" that you can actually smell the salmon your neighbor is having for dinner and hey, left overs for lunch the next day- gee, thanks. I needed a whiff of that.

Noise does not bother some people but I think there is a certain level of peace that goes into a place that you call home. I do not have children, why should I hear yours running across the floor and their toys giggling every minute? I did not choose to cook salmon for dinner, why do I need to smell it? Some people claim it does not bother them - what noise? what smell? To these people I say... "it does not take a village ... I hate the village. The village sucks. The village is highly overrated..." Leave me in peace in a home where I share no walls or yard space. Leave me in peace, away from the village, the noise, and the smells. I prefer to create my own ... for me and no one else.

Building developers, land developers, contruction companies and you companies out there to make a quick buck off of unsuspecting people who just want to play the "housing market," SHAME ON YOU! Come live where I do - live a day in my walls and then try selling another horribly constructed condo again!

20 something girls - friend or foe?

I really enjoy and love my show, Sex and the City. I call it "my show" because most women in their 30s who were single or got married after 30 will tell you - that show is my life. I can relate to just about every episode in every season. Well, there is an episode about 20-something versus 30-something girls in the second season. I had an epiphany as we were hiking this past weekend with a 20-something couple. I realized that while 30-something girlfriends of mine stick by me no matter what, and support me even if they disagree with my viewpoint, 20-somethings are quite another story. My experience was this and of course, these are my opinions, based on my experience. Yours may be different or you may be 20-something and disagree but remember I am not generalizing for 20-somethings everywhere. My experience is that the difference between 20-somethings and 30-somethings is sticking to your guns. 20-somethings would sell out their first-born if it meant they win the favor of a boy they liked. They would change their taste in music, their favorite shows, and worse, their core beliefs. They don't seem as loyal to their girlfriends as 30-somethings. Of course, 30-somethings are demanding, have high expectations of their partner, and put their foot down as often as they put their foot in their mouth but it has been my experience that 20-somethings (esp. before the age of 28) think that they need a man to feel good about themselves whereas a 30-something is secure enough to spend a Saturday night with a bowl of popcorn on her couch, watching TV.

A 20-something not only insulted my alma mater, but also my taste in shows this past weekend - she said Sex and the City defined a generation of women who slept around and then settled for any man to just get married. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she was so hot to trot for a man that they have a co-dependent relationship. I did not have the heart to tell her that while Sex and the City is my favorite show, I did not have sex until I was 27. Needless to say, my 20-something foe was only 24 and talking marriage with a guy she had only known and dated for six months. A guy who she spent every waking and free moment with and a guy with whom she had planned her life with without so much as a promise to marry.

I started thinking as we were hiking - I had just come face to face with the 20-something foe who, while fun loving, and in all respects, a nice "friend" to have, was quite annoying to this 30-something. I have rarely had girlfriends who are disparately younger to me. The 7-year difference this past weekend was quite a big gap for me. My younger brother is older than this girl! The youngest friends I think I have had are only a year or two younger and then, I tend to have more older girlfriends. I think that is because with age and with experience, comes a certain level of maturity, a certain level of security, and a certain level of understanding.

It was a true defining moment as I was hiking and realized I was annoyed by the 20-something. I started thinking, are 20-somethings annoying like my favorite show said they are? Are they clingy and needy for attention? Do they think they are better than the 30-somethings? Well, this is just one experience so I will keep my eyes open and continue to keep an open mind to meet more ... and then compare to this one encounter. It certainly does not make a 20-something girl a foe but then again, is this promising for a friendship?

Dark clouds no more

After three years, I am finally breaking through the curse, the dark cloud that has hung over me. I state this with sincerity as I am now a believer in the addage that sometimes, things are out of your control. You have to stand still and let destiny take its course. I always believed, over the past three years that somehow I was responsible for my happiness. Despite hitting or running up against a brick wall daily at an office where there was no joy, when I dealt with a boss who was truly insecure and unhappy, and coworkers who truly did not care about the team, I still brushed all that off, and went charging towards the goal and finding personal satisfaction and reward in all I did.

Now, for almost two weeks, I have experienced joy in my work, and felt needed at a workplace where I am valued as an individual and a team member. A series of great things have happened and each day, I gaze out of the window at the breathtaking view, I do my job with pride, and I enjoy what was once blocked by the brick wall I had no control over.

I still believe you can make the best out of any situation but I think that some situations are out of our control and we have to have faith, hope and determination to get that dark cloud that we have no control over out of our lives.

Sense and Sensitivities

I recently got married - after 32 years of being single and answering to only myself, I now have to worry about another human being. If that isn't frightening, I realized tonight that I really do not know the person I married. Now, I am not saying I do not KNOW him, of course, I know him. I love this man, otherwise I would not have married him but there are things about him that I am still learning. Of course, this is no mystery to you married couples out there - some thirty-four years later, my parents are still learning things about each other. While some things are neat to learn, other things are best left alone.

Today, I learned that my husband (sounds strange enough saying that) is very sensitive. So I started writing this blog after he left. That's right, we do not live together yet so he CAN leave ... for now that is. I started wondering, after this conversation, what the fine line was between "sense" and "sensitivities". Jane Austen is one of my favorite fiction writers and her books got me through the troubled teens but in life, in the non-fiction world, how can a person differentiate between being sensible and sensitive? At what point does a person in a marriage or in any other relationship put aside emotions and sensitivities and err on the side of sensibilities? Or, once the sensitivity is communicated, should the person just move on?

And so... the marriage begins...

Quid Pro Quo?

The other day I was talking with a friend of mine who I have not talked to in a long time. Last year I was having trouble with my relationship and she remembered that time in my life. This time, we were talking about my impending decision to take a different path in my life - one that may require me to give up my job.

She said to me, "you are giving up a lot," and asked me, "what is HE giving up for you?" This one question got me to thinking. Is that what relationships are about? Quid pro quo, or is it more of an understanding between two people who are entering an union for life? Do both parties in a relationship have to necessarily give something up in order for the relationship to go forward?

We have too many expectations these days - in our job, in our careers, in our children, on the man or our dreams. It seems like more and more women are getting married later and later in life because they envision the perfect man - the man who will rub their tired feet at the end of the day, the professional man, the man who will save them, etc. In fact, those same expectations are put to the test in daily life - the perfect bed, the perfect house, the perfect friends, and alas, the perfect job with the perfect work mates and boss who will fulfill them.

Problem is - these expectations are not only unrealistic, they are unhealthy to hold on to. In love and life, it is important to remember wat you are giving to the relationship and not what you will get back in return. I often forget this important lesson as well. In life, and love, it is important to remember that we have choices but we have to make those choices knowing what we want and what we want to give to this world without the expectation that we will receive in return.

Quid Pro Quo is not healthy in any relationship. My answer to my friend was simple: He doesn't have to give up anything for me. I choose to do this - this is a choice and I expect nothing in return. I can't expect anything in return - it would be unhealthy and in the end, I would be disappointed no matter what HE gave up for me.

Communication - what is the universal language?

Recently I had the opportunity to go on an exchange to Turkey and learn about their military, meet their officers and officer candidates, and experience the culture. One problem seemed prominent throughout this trip: communication. From deportation of half of my team at the Turkish airport by customs officials to not being able to get the point across that I needed to stop and e-mail my fiancé and parents to let them know I was okay, it seemed like communication was a severe problem. Obviously, I never was able to call or email my fiance while I was there for seven days. So, I started thinking, how do you expect to communicate with people who speak a different language, who think differently, and understand terms differently, when right here, at home, two people who speak the same language, grew up with relatively similar culture and family values, cannot successfully communicate at times?

After all, communication is the number one reason why our divorce rate is 43% for first time marriages, higher for second and the third time around. How is it then that we get the person to understand us? What is the universal language?

I am hosting an international delegation in the middle of a massive blizzard here in Colorado and what is the number one problem again? Why, communication, of course. Roads are closed, the city and all facilities are shut down, and there is no way to reach these folks physically. There is the phone - to talk. But it seems like what I am saying is not getting through. Interpretation, background, personal biases, judgment – all of these factors affect how people “hear” you. In a relationship, when there is a communication problem, we try to identify the barrier and then resolve the problem. In day to day world affairs, the same baggage can become a huge liability. So I started questioning why we in the world don't do more to help the case of a universal language for communication. Why are we not doing more in the UN or NATO to bridge the communication gap? In diplomacy like in lilfe, how can we create a language to communicate with the world around us and minimize all that baggage?

From our day to day relationships all the way to peace talks, wouldn’t it be nice to have a universal language? Until that day comes and it may never, we have to do our part to minimize the barriers – we have to do our part to break down the barriers and help people understand us just like we should do our best to "hear" them by reducing our own barriers to communication.

Listening to your inner voice amidst all the noise

As I am embarking on making a very important decision in my life, I realize many people want to give their advice and be heard. Some truly care and want to remind me of what is out there. Others are just talking to hear themselves talk and so it makes me think of how important it is to hear others but truly, you must listen to your inner voice. Sometimes that voice gets lost because it is hard to hear amidst all the talking. Sometimes that voice gets lost and unheard because you yourself fail to recognize it is there.

People will always give you advice mainly because they care and want the best for you. People will always share their experiences and tell you what they think. They will share their experiences and what happened to them in hopes that you will not make the same mistakes. But as you make your decisions in life, it is important to listen to your inner voice amidst all the "noise". That voice matters more than all the "noise".

Tune in ... you will be surprised what you hear.

This is just the beginning

As I face ending one career and possibly starting another, I find myself at a crossroads, but I started to write a blog which was titled, "where has all the time gone?" I stopped myself and did not publish it because as I proofread it, I had a thought. This is not the end of my life and just because I am trying to do something new and fresh, it is not the end. In fact, when we leave our comfort zones and venture into the unknown, it really is not bad. I have always lived my life on the premise that you do what feels comfortable. Take the road which has less risk, and less chance of falling on your face. However, that road, while wonderful and adventureous in its own way, has served me for the last 12 years. It is now time to take the other path and begin a new adventure. There is more risk, there may be more times when I fall and break something, but that is of course, life.

I did not post my more cynical blog because as you start on your new path, you have to realize that choices are difficult but that is what they are: Choices. You make them and make the best of what is happening at that particular stage in your life. This is not the end of a journey but a beginning of another equally fabulous journey to an even more fabulous destination. Either way, you have to be happy from within. No destination, no other person than yourself, and no material object is responsible for your happiness.

Enjoy your new beginning... whatever path you choose in whatever you may be doing today.

The past definitely explains our present and will help us define our future

Okay, this one' s a bit more philosophical but here goes. I am writing this as I visit my folks. As a 20-something I never questioned my actions nor did I think about many things. Even as I traveled this time, I watched people at the airport and questioned my own actions. When I watch my parents and how they interact, how they talk and behave, I start to realize where I get my behaviors. Even though I moved out of the home at the age 18, here I am, 13 years later, realizing that my past affects all I do and bears impact on even the most insignificant interactions of my daily life.

My point of writing this blog is to tell you that this is not bad. It is good to observe your past, where you have learned behavior from, and be able to address it early in life. After all, if you wait until you are 50 to learn this, it may be too late to do anything about it. My dad says people cannot change. I do not agree with this. People can change learned behavior. They can change their attitude and behaviors towards things and others. But in order to change what they do not like, they have to identify where it all came from to begin with. I am fortunate to find out at 31, before I am married, before I have impressionable children, how learned behaviors can permeate through our own lives. Our past can help shed light on our present disposition. More importantly, the past helps us define or in my case, re-define our future. Our past infiltrates our present and can affect our interaction with the store clerk all the way to our interaction with our spouses, co-workers, and friends.

It is all around you. Next time you visit your parent(s), do something with your siblings, or see your old high school and college friends, reminisce at will. In fact, I encourage you to open your eyes and your mind and yes, your ears. You will hear it, you will see it, and you will certainly feel it! The past... is our key to learn about where we are at present, and the past holds the hope to a better future. Use this information wisely!

Reaching the Crossroads

It happens to all of us, some of us more often than others. To some of us, it happens early on in life and to others, it happens about every 10-15 years. It all depends but at some point, you will reach the crossroads in your life or your career.

How do we choose which road to take? Is it really just as simple as choosing one road and then not looking back? Well, those are the million dollar questions.

For the second time, I feel that I am at a crossroads. In 2002 March, I found myself standing at a smaller intersection. Do I extend my time in Germany in a job I loved and which I still consider the best job in the Air Force JAG Corps or do I go back home to the United States and take a job where the morale was at an all-time low, the new boss was not going to be any better, but the dating life would be awesome again? Well, I chose the path of coming home to the U.S. and although the job did prove to be as low as I expected, my dating and personal life did improve and I did find myself engaged to be married some 18 months after taking the path. At the crossroads of life, I felt like I did okay but there still isn't a day that goes by when I don't wonder what my life would have been like or where I would have ended up had I not come down this path. If I had chose the path to stay in Germany and then take a follow-on to Washington D.C., how would my life have turned out?

As I stand here today, almost three years later, I find myself at a more congested intersection, one which is fraught with higher stakes. Which road do I choose? On the one path, I get job security and a city which I always wanted to live in, one which is closer to my family. On the other path, I get the opportunity to make a family of my own, and have a career of my own choosing - a location of my own choosing. There are positives on both and risks on both paths. Which one is better? If I choose one path over another, will I spend the rest of my days wondering what life on the other path would have been like. I am certain I will think about it at least once a week. However, what I must recognize and what we must all recognize is that whatever path we choose, it is just that - a choice. Happiness comes from within ourselves and we choose whether to be happy or sad on whatever road we choose. We choose whether to live in regret and doubt and fear or whether to choose a path of living with the knowledge that the path which is laid out before us is the right one and there is no use in looking back because God made you choose the one you are on.

So, as you stand at your intersection, your crossroads in life, remember to weigh your options. Sometimes it is easier to choose because there is no doubt. Other times, it is more difficult. The most important thing to do is to accept your choice once you make it and walk down the path you chose. Enjoy the scenery, take your time, and make your journey a wonderful one... until of course, you reach your next crossroad in life ...