What? No Magic Solution?

When I was contemplating sleep training my infant three months ago, I never thought we'd try to sleep train my toddler. It is just harder to sleep train a toddler who is accustomed to a certain way. We were able to get her in her own bed of course, one of us needed to stay with her or play musical beds all night long. It was a mess! We decided to hire a sleep consultant. When I first E-mailed her, I thought she'd help me with the infant. My goal: Sleep train one of them - the infant is the easier one to train - and life would be somewhat easier. The Sleep "expert" or consultant, however, had another plan. Sleep train the 2-year old, and the infant, we could train after 4-5 months of age. Well, as you have been reading, the sleep training of the toddler did not go well at all - we gave up after 8 nights and decided it was harder on our family to sleep train than to just deal with the game of musical beds all night long, everyday. So, we are back to square one. During transition back to the "way it was", our toddler slept through the night for 2 nights and now has reverted back. What took 9 days to build (and trust me, we did not build much), only took 2 nights to undo.

When it comes to sleep training a toddler, there is no magic solution. You can use Pantley, Weissbluth or any other book out there. You can even pay someone to come into your home and tell you what you are doing wrong (probably alot because you suck as parents) but there is no magic wand you can wave to get a toddler sleep trained. All you can do is exercise patience and pray and hope that one day, she will just do it on her own. For now, we are back to square one but there are two things we are taking forward that we learned from this whole experience: (1) Earlier bedtime and routine - definitely a must in our household - it is obvious with her meltdowns, that our child is truly ready for bed by 730pm and (2) She has to remain contained until one of us can get in there- that is, she does not get to open the door and wander through the home at will. She is after all, TWO!

With those two things going forward, who knows? We may all sleep in our own beds agian by the beginning of the next decade... most likely, we will continue these games well into 2011. Good night, and Good luck!

Can't a girl just get some sleep already?

So, we have started sleep training our 2-year old - better late than never I suppose but when you start this late, you must accept some pretty harsh consequences. If you sleep train a child between 6 and 10 months, it is easier. Granted, it is never easy to hear your child crying for you from the next room over but it is easier because they cannot say your name, they cannot completely understand everything going on, and for the most part, the kids are still unaware of what is happening. Moreover, they will not remember much and training can be done within 2-3 nights. However, now flash forward to that same child at age 2 ... what a nightmare!

Our daughter is very intelligent and understands what is going on. What is worse is that she screams our names- "maama... please open door! Mamma please come here, lay down here sleep- (name) crying..." It is so sad it breaks your heart. What is worse, it breaks my husband's heart even more. She screams for him and he does not come because we cannot. We are supposed to do something called "compassionate" sleep solutions. My theory is that anything that involves this much crying does not involve compassion. Let's call a spade a spade- it is cry it out but controlled cry it out.

Why are we here if we cannot stomach it? Well, it is even harder for us to stomach playing musical beds every night. Since the infant arrived, it is harder around nap times and bed times to handle them both especially since neither can self soothe or go to sleep on their own. So, nap times and bed times are very stressful on the whole family. What is worse is that the infant wakes up to nurse almost all night and the toddler gets up several times too - so, it becomes quite the juggling act for the two of us, enslaving us to the kids. Man to man coverage is great, but what if one of us has a business trip? Then what happens? So, we are hoping for some good results from this. And if not, we figure, the alternative is not bad either- the toddler will sleep with us in the king size bed, and we will just wisen up and sleep train the infant in 3 months. For god's sake - we need just one to sleep through the night!

In the meantime, with all the sleep training going on, no one is getting any sleep in the house - not the toddler who is crying her eyes out, not the parents, and the only one who is unfazed by all this is the infant who seems to be getting sleep when she needs it :-) Good nite to all! (We HOPE)

I need some sleep!

After reading several books on sleep training, nap training, and the like, I have finally decided to take the plunge and hire a sleep consultant. We were lucky enough to get a reference to a sleep consultant living right here amidts our town and so we have decided to hire her and see what she can possibly do to help. I am trying to keep an open mind but am convinced that my 2-year old is beyond training- I am convinced that my husband and I will be walking zombies for the rest of our adult lives - well, until I jump off a ledge or the kids go off to college that is.

Today, I finally got to speak with the lady we will be hiring to help us train our child to sleep - sure, the onus is on us and that lady will not be sleeping in our home experiencing our triumphs and set backs but she will be there available by phone and email. In any case, I hope the plan she develops for us works. If it does not, I may lose all hope together and decide to go ahead and jump off the tallest building in Denver- what is that building anyway? Does anyone know?

The consultant talked with me about some background information -ages, family lifestyle (i.e. do we work, stay at home, etc.), do we have a schedule for our toddler? Do we co-sleep or prefer the crib and separate bedroom? She is using all of this to hopefully help create a good plan for us. Fortunately, for us, our daughter is already getting used to her own room and sleeps there - she just needs one of us with her. Fortunately, for 28 days out of the month, our toddler is taking good afternoon naps unless we interrupt them of course. In any case, these are all good things I learned but now we work on sleep independence for her.

The consultant informed me that she does not work with infants younger than 4-5 months but that the same principles we learn for our toddler will apply to our infant in another few months and we could try it on our own. She also informed me that she has had no repeat customers. I am not sure that is good info or bad. My thoughts are people are too embarrassed or too broke to call her back :-) But in either case, there is no money back guarantee on good sleep. We will see what happens but in any case, I feel good that I am trying to take steps to get some sanity and sleep back and possibly some quiet times with my husband. Is it possible that we will have our bed back someday? I sure hope so... til then, I will soldier on the best I can and join the ranks of other walking zombies (A.K.A. parents).

Sleepless days and nights

I have read just about every sleep book recommended on the market today - Sears, Pantley, Weissbluth, 90-minute sleep solution, Ferber method, and the controversial method of Baby Wise. I have read about it all and read 6 books including one from Pantley on toddler sleep because I have two that do not sleep. Of course, the infant is only 9 weeks old. My first born did not sleep well either - she would take cat naps as well but eventually after 4 months, she started taking 1 hour naps.

This past weekend, Sunday, after our house guest left, I decided to try some of the techniques I have read about from Pantley, Weissbluth, and the 90-minute sleep program. So far, nothing is working. My child, like clock work goes to sleep within 90 minutes of waking, but is up within 15 to 45 minutes and I know is not going enough sleep but there is not much else I can do. When she wakes up from these "cat naps", she is alert, often crying and even with nursing and/or rocking, does not go back to sleep. It is quite unnerving. I have read about other kids who do this as well - generally lasts until about 4 months of age or longer.
In any case, the research out there is daunting and it is overwhelming. What does not help is when people are bragging about their sleeping kids - their kids are the wonder ones who sleep all the time even after 4 weeks of life. But reading about all the kids out there who are in the same boat as ours does make me feel like we are not alone in our struggles. There is no cookie cutter approach to raising a kid-same goes for sleep training but we will soldier on. I am a zombie and my mother who is helping right nowa and my husband - we are all exhausted!

In any case after three weeks of sleepless days and night, I will soldier in with the methods I learn (and there are a billion out there) and try every piece of equipment I own but in the end, may just have to accept my fate. If you read this and have any suggestions please share. If you are writing to just brag, please save it for your facebook page - I do not want to hear it.

So many books so little time

These days it seems there is a book for everything. "How to sleep train your child" will bring up about a thousand results - not every book is worth your time. If you ask one mom, you will get referred to Book X, but then you talk to yet another mother, and she will swear by Book Y authored by the best author on this topic. And yet another mom will recommend Book Z. Another mom will tell you Book X sucked and swears by Book A. What?!! How is a mom who is already sleep and time deprived supposed to read four books on how to get her child to sleep. Isn't that the problem to begin with here.... too much to do and not enough time?

I am on my fourth book already on how to get your child to sleep through the night and I am not even close to getting my 2 year old to sleep through the night. I have bought two books on the topics and checked out the other ones from the library. Dr. Sears, Elizabeth Pantley, Weissbluth, Ferber - you name it, I have read it. I now have two additional books on hold at the library- the 90 minute sleep solution and Baby Wise. All because someone made me feel bad by posting on my wall on facebook that her child is sleeping twelve hours at 2.5 months old. WHAT? Are you kidding me? Ironically, this girl is a doctor herself so I wonder if she missed that portion of medical school when they discuss how sleep patterns change in kids almost daily so 7 to 7 will not necessarily last. But then again, what do I know? I have only read these four books and each one says something different. So, I have decided to take what works from each and make my own book on the topic. Only I will not be published.

So, from Book X, I will take the fact that food and types of foods definitely affect how a child sleeps especially toddlers. Then from Book Y, I will take that you should respond to infants after 4 months of age in time intervals and you increase that time interval so that the child learns to self soothe and sleep on his or her own. From Book Z, I have learned that you should respond differently to the different cries exhibited by an infant- there is a distinct difference between a cry for hunger for example than a cry for being held or for attention. So, depending on the type of cry, you can respond accordingly. Out of the two books I have not read yet, I hear one is quite controversial and involves starving your child through the night. In either case, I look forward to reading more things I may not implement or implement successfully. On the other hand, maybe nothing is working because of the hodge podge or potpourri implementation of this and that. Maybe I need to pick one book and just stick to it.

It is not easy raising children much less in a time when we are bombarded with so much internet information and literature on how to. "How to raise children for Dummies." That is the book I need to purchase.

If you say so

I recently experienced another sleepless night with our daughter. She still does not sleep through the night and working full-time, that can get to be pretty rough especially considering that I am not an average mom – I need and love my sleep. Before she was born, I could easily sleep 10-11 hours a night or even more. Yes, sleep is pretty important to me so this whole baby thing threw me for a loop. I always thought babies slept through the night – yeah, no! Not mine.

So, yesterday when I got to work a co-worker asked what was wrong as I was downing 2 cups of coffee. She said I looked exhausted. She was not far off the mark. I was beyond exhausted. I did not want to be there and certainly not hear what I had to hear next. I told her “yeah another sleepless night.” Her reply was a mere, “I do not feel bad for you because you caused it. You need to put your ear plugs in, stick her in her crib, and shut the door. It’s time. You need to be the one in control and show her that you are the boss - her schedule has to revolve around yours.” I was like, hmmm- thanks for your advice - I did not ask for it but thanks. Okay, I did not say that but I listened politely, nodded, and quickly changed the subject.

Now, a little background would be useful on this co-worker. She is single and does not have kids. She has plenty of friends who have kids but no nieces or nephews either. Hmmm… okay, so with that out of the way, granted, a single person with no children may be well qualified to give me advice on how to better my infant’s sleep and mine but I suspect some training would be in order to throw that type of advice around – perhaps a pediatrician, a specialist who specializes on sleep studies and children’s sleep patterns, a child psychologist, a mom or dad who have been through this and learned through experience, and you get the point. Needless to say, I took her advice like I take all advice from everyone including my own mother – with a grain of salt; or in this case, in one ear and out the other. I am only writing about this because I find it fascinating how some people have advice for you whether you ask or not and whether they are qualified on the subject or not.

I can understand family offering advice- after all, they are family and getting involved is not only their privilege, sometimes it is their right. I fully expect my husband and I to do that for each other but I am amazed recently by the amount of advice I get not only from friends, distant relatives, and co-workers but also from complete strangers. It blows me away! I wonder how she would feel if I gave her advice on why she is still single and advice on what to do to land a man. That would not be nice or appropriate in my opinion and neither is telling a tired co-worker to control her infant daughter. I think it is great to get advice – don’t get me wrong. When I ask for advice or want it, I think it is great to get advice from someone you respect and someone who has been there. Life experiences are quite important. It is also important to get good advice from your doctor, your accountant, or your attorney on things you have hired them for but even then, you have to make your own decisions. In life, people always seem to ready to throw out free advice whether someone wants it or not, so I have made my decision on what to do what their advice, depending on the message, the messenger, and the timing of it, I am tempted to just respond, “Wow- really? Okay - if you say so.”