Reunions

Lately, I am amazed at how many people I have come into contact with that, but for technology, I would not have. For example, on facebook, I have reconnected with people I went to Junior High School with, High school, college, and friends I have lost touch with over the years. It is strange to me when someone I cannot remember adds me as a friend. I may confirm but it is odd nonetheless. Technology, frankly, is bringing people together that perhaps it should not. And in other cases, it is amazing to reconnect with people I have missed in my life over the years too.

This past weekend, I attended a conference and ran into some familiar faces. Like facebook, I had to filter who I talked with. I did see one woman I remembered working with in 1999 at my first duty assignment but did not find it worth the time to even say Hi because frankly, she was an odd duck. But then I saw others that I was excited to see- people I had worked for and worked with back in the day, people I had attended training with, and friends I had partied with on the 3 month long trainings with the Air Force. Needless to say, it was nice to see them. I was happy that others that I did not want to run into were not there as well. It is always nice to dodge the uncomfortable moments.

While technology brings people together, I think it has the disadvantage of overloading us as well. I think it would be nice to keep in touch with only those people you want to stay in touch with and not have it forced upon you through the obligatory, "You've got mail - add me as your friend!" But at the same time, if I can get back in touch with just three friends that add value to my life, it is worth it. So, far, I can say the reunions have been valuable.

'Til allowance do us part?

I heard on the radio this morning as I was coming in to work talk about women and men on allowances from their spouses. I found the topic interesting so I did not change stations. The first guy that was on the air was “Bob” and he was on an allowance from his wife of $50 a week – this included lunch expenses, dinners out, clothes, etc. I was initially appalled as I listened because it sounded like he was on a leash and for a moment, I thought, wow – how emasculating for him, but as the program continued and callers called in, I realized how common this occurrence was for both men and women.

Another caller who called in said his wife puts him on an allowance too. He loved it – no complaints! He is self-employed and his wife works too but she has just traditionally managed their money and expenses so, he is perfectly content with his $50 a week. Then, a woman called in who said she is also on a budget of $100 biweekly. However, unlike the guys who called in, she has to buy formula and diapers with her allowance and by the time she pays for a tank of gas, she only has $15 a week – not enough to even get her nails done. But, wait – her husband will write her a check for a salon trip but he writes it for the exact amount that he thinks the haircut or particular should be. Wow! That was a little disturbing to me and just because she is a stay at home mom does not mean she should be treated so poorly. Then again, she was happy with her situation. When asked how that made her feel – she replied, “great – I think the situation is perfect because if I had more money, I would just spend it.”

In all of these relationships, one person was the spendthrift (the person on the allowance), and the other was the tight wad, wage earner, or just smarter with the family finances. As Bob explained, his business expenses are separate so if he had to take a client out, that came out of his business expenses and his gas (since his business is mobile) came out of his business expenses. The $50 a week was his personal allowance from family expenses. That is not bad actually if you think of it- $50 a week. Like I said, just about every caller was happy with his or her position and receiving fixed money so they did not overspend or overextend their family’s finances. I wondered if my husband and I should employ the same methods. I know if I have fixed money, I would think twice about grabbing that sandwich out but then again, I already do that- I am pretty tight with my money and look for bargains in all I do and think twice before eating out. My husband, on the other hand, I think could stand to be on an allowance but I know he manages his money seemingly well – well, on most days. Sometimes he dips into family finances when his “hobby” money runs out and maybe that is why these people do this – because if you only have $XX, and you run out, you cannot dip into anything else. It is done! I think it is a matter of self control and self discipline really when it comes to overextending your finances. In my life, I have noticed a pattern in those who are always broke, just barely scrape by, or never have money (even for retirement) – they have no control on their spending habits and do not know their limits. Unfortunately, the same principles that apply to their spending sometimes carries over to other aspects of their life such as leave and sick leave balances at work, food at home, etc.

Needless to say, after listening to this morning’s radio show, I am glad that neither of us are on an allowance but if one of us had to be, I think it would work too because we tend to be disciplined with our money and spending.

The Good, the Bad, and So much to be thankful for

I always hear the phrase “What goes to Vegas, stays in Vegas” and similar phrases to describe some type of pact between members that what goes on a work trip, stays there. Well, as you know 10 out of 10 times, what goes to Vegas does not always stay in Vegas and the like. When I left my job and the service a few years ago, I was sure that I would never see those people again and by “those people” I mean the people I could really not stand to work with any longer. As I have come to learn, you never really a job or the people behind. You can burn a bridge but somehow that bridge gets rebuilt and amazingly, you find yourself standing on the edge of it looking at it again. You end up running into those people more often than not. In fact, I never seem to run into the people I want to run into (a long, lost friend, etc), and always tend to run into those that I wish would never see…. ever again!

I went to a seminar this past week and ran into someone fitting that description. As I surveyed the room, I realized it was this person and quickly did an about face and then, thought to myself, “Great! This is what I have to resign myself to – I will always keep running into these people.” It was bad enough I ran into this person’s “not so better half” a month ago but now I have to keep seeing this individual and the spouse at seminars. It is easy to run into people who are in the same or similar career field and industry. It also is an unfortunate fact that you run into people who are working or living in the same general area- anything within 150 miles is local area as far as I am concerned. Needless to say, it was an unpleasant encounter and made the day that much more unpleasant. For some reason, running into this particular person made me realize how horrible my life was back then- it was pre-daughter, pre-marriage, but more importantly, it was just a horrible time in my life – for the first time in my career, I was at a political assignment where my supervisor did not like me much and this particular individual and the spouse made my life even more difficult. They were “in” with the boss and I was obviously, “out”. It was a tough working relationship and the spouse and another individual in the office even had the gall to accuse me of a crime. Nothing ever came of that of course except for the mental and emotional torture that ensued but needless to say, each time I fell (or rather, was thrown down) in the three years I was in this job, I picked myself up, brushed off, and kept going. Looking back, I am amazed I survived with only a few scrapes and bruises. But, running into this individual at the seminar this past week, it all came rushing back – all that I had suppressed.

Seeing this individual brought it all back and that was what made the day unpleasant. It was not necessarily the grotesque sight and presence of this individual but rather, the flood of bad memories. This individual was, in my mind, the catalyst of some of the horrible things that happened to good people in that job. They were, in a nutshell, career climbers and were going to get ahead and their way at any cost. No matter who got hurt or left behind, they always seemed to land on their feet. Seeing this individual brought back a lot of baggage from my time in this job but it also made me thankful for where I was in life today- I felt gratitude to God for moving past that phase in my life – I was destined to go through it. It made me grateful for all the gifts in my life – I was lucky I got out alive and with little damage. I was able to get a job where I am appreciated and work well with my colleagues. For example, just today, another colleague who is looking for a new job also gave me a couple of leads on some job postings. I am appreciated by my supervisor and I work with kind, caring people who go above and beyond – they are selfless and while career-oriented, they do not walk over someone to get ahead. I have a baby girl who I am so excited to have in my life- she is a blessing and I sometimes feel I have been touched by the Lord himself when she holds onto me. Motherhood is the closest thing I have ever felt to touching the face of God and I am thankful for that. I have a husband who loves me and cares about me and we live together which is a blessing too. I cannot imagine working 90 miles away and living 90 miles away from him a few times a week. I know people live apart all the time and stay married and I can see doing that temporarily (for a few years) after about 15-20 years of marriage but, right now, there is no other place I’d rather be than at my home which is truly made a home by the presence of my daughter and my husband.

Yes, seeing this person again made me realize how much I went through and what I endured a few years ago but it is also made me appreciate all the good things that came since I made the decision to leave it all behind. In life, we see the good, the bad and the ugly, but we also get to express gratitude for the many blessings in our lives and like most other days, just carry on

Soul Mate?

I have been thinking of this question for sometime now – mainly because I am questioning whether two people are ever really “soul” mates. I think like most women out there when I made the decision to get married, I weighed the pros and cons and balanced out his negatives with his positives and decided that he complements me in more ways than not. I think, like most people out there who get married, I settled for this man because well, for one, he asked me to marry him, and things were better than not with him. I saw having children with him and he was a really good guy. Of course, I loved him too but I never really saw this man as my soul mate.

Which leads me to ask the question, what really is a soul mate? Is it someone who fulfills your dreams? Someone you see eye-to-eye with on everything? Someone who completes your existence? Would life with this person be perfect in every way? I wonder about that from time to time. Hollywood gives us sappy movies like “Serendipity” and we think, Hmmm… is there really such a thing as soul mates? Are they born or made or is it just timing?

I personally do not think there is such a thing as soul mates. I have girlfriends I just get along with better than others. Does that make them my soul mate? After all, no one can complete you except yourself and no one can really have a perfect life. They can just have more fun with someone over another- the same thing applies in a marriage. The person you marry is not necessarily your soul mate but rather, someone you get along with better than you would get along with someone else – someone you can share things with that you would not with others, or someone who just complements you well. I do not think in a marriage things will always be perfect but is it possible to find someone who thinks a little more like you, shares more of your values, or can communicate like you do; that someone who is always “in sync” with you? Sure. But remember that same “sync” may change as time goes on and the partner changes. So, is there a true soul mate for everyone out there? My theory is that there are just people, male and female, that come into our lives at a certain time in our lives when we need them and attract them, and things just … click. So we befriend them, or in the case of timing for marriage, marry them. How you choose to define “soul mate” is up to you. I describe my soul mates as everyday people who are more than ordinary and sometimes, if the timing is right, and your personalities mesh, truly extraordinary.

The Ex Factor

After marriage, is it appropriate to keep in touch with an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband? If so, does it matter to what degree you keep in touch. For example, if you were previously married and have kids, it is obvious that you may keep in touch for financial matters, care, visitation, etc. But, can you truly be friends with an ex and in a way, pick up where you left off with the friendship? I present these questions because a friend related a story to me and I began to wonder whether she could indeed keep an arm’s length friendship with an ex while being married to her absolutely trusting and great husband. I should mention that her husband is aware of her contact with her ex/friend and there is full disclosure. Of course, full disclosure is key and remaining forthright and honest with yourself and your spouse.

So as far as degrees, what is the boundary or what are the boundaries on a relationship with an ex? Can both parties truly remain friends without reverting back to “the way [they] were?” My theory on this is that if I was supposed to be married to the ex, I would have ended up with him – after all, you are not with that person because something did not work out romantically or for some other reason. So, you should be able to retain the friendship but then again, what if you are sharing things with this person that you cannot share with your spouse? What if you are more comfortable sharing your life with this friend than your own spouse? Then, I think there is something missing in your marriage that you may be seeking from this individual and what makes this situation dangerous is that this is not just a friend, there are deeper feelings involved so you should tread those waters carefully.

Obviously, it helps if both parties are happily married and settled in their lives so there is less temptation and ability to revert back to the way things were. Either way, it is always good practice to be honest with your spouse and yourself and if you find yourself enjoying your “friend’s” company more than your spouse or your needs are not being fulfilled by your spouse, you should keep the relationship with the ex in check. I am amazed at the amount of people who can stay friends with a previous relationship and still go on and lead great lives and relationships with other people. I do not know that I have that ability in me and I also think of a value-added principle when it comes to friendships and relationships in my life. So, if I am getting added value in my life from the presence of a friend, I know that this is a good thing and if I get no value from a relationship, then I assess whether I need to be in it. The same principle would apply to friendship with an ex- what is the benefit? What is the value? What does this person add to my life? If I find no value added in my life from it, I see no purpose in building or maintaining it. For me, the ex-factor is quite clear: my ex-boyfriends really do not add much value to my life. I suppose if they did, they would be in it.

A concrete foundation

In a relationship, any relationship really - is it possible for people to start with a clean slate especially when there is so much said - so much hurt.

Everytime there is an argument, a fight, a discussion, or a mean word spoken, it erodes the very relationship we are in and insulting. That is the thing about relationships - some are built on a concrete foundation, some on wood, and others are built so weak that they can implode on their own.

In a relationship, like a house, depending on the foundation, can words and actions over time completely erode the home - a relationship based on wood, over time, the wood can rot and the entire house can cave in. Words, arguments, emotional and physical abuse can erode the entire house if our foundation is not solid.

So, how do you build a concrete foundation? The only way is for both people to work at it and take the time to seek the necessary help, the counseling, the assistance of good family support. All of these tools lead to building a solid concrete foundation in a relationship, in a marriage, so that it does not erode and get destroyed from the bottom up, or inside out. But it takes everything. But in the end, if you do it right, your "house" will stand.

Dark clouds no more

After three years, I am finally breaking through the curse, the dark cloud that has hung over me. I state this with sincerity as I am now a believer in the addage that sometimes, things are out of your control. You have to stand still and let destiny take its course. I always believed, over the past three years that somehow I was responsible for my happiness. Despite hitting or running up against a brick wall daily at an office where there was no joy, when I dealt with a boss who was truly insecure and unhappy, and coworkers who truly did not care about the team, I still brushed all that off, and went charging towards the goal and finding personal satisfaction and reward in all I did.

Now, for almost two weeks, I have experienced joy in my work, and felt needed at a workplace where I am valued as an individual and a team member. A series of great things have happened and each day, I gaze out of the window at the breathtaking view, I do my job with pride, and I enjoy what was once blocked by the brick wall I had no control over.

I still believe you can make the best out of any situation but I think that some situations are out of our control and we have to have faith, hope and determination to get that dark cloud that we have no control over out of our lives.

Sense and Sensitivities

I recently got married - after 32 years of being single and answering to only myself, I now have to worry about another human being. If that isn't frightening, I realized tonight that I really do not know the person I married. Now, I am not saying I do not KNOW him, of course, I know him. I love this man, otherwise I would not have married him but there are things about him that I am still learning. Of course, this is no mystery to you married couples out there - some thirty-four years later, my parents are still learning things about each other. While some things are neat to learn, other things are best left alone.

Today, I learned that my husband (sounds strange enough saying that) is very sensitive. So I started writing this blog after he left. That's right, we do not live together yet so he CAN leave ... for now that is. I started wondering, after this conversation, what the fine line was between "sense" and "sensitivities". Jane Austen is one of my favorite fiction writers and her books got me through the troubled teens but in life, in the non-fiction world, how can a person differentiate between being sensible and sensitive? At what point does a person in a marriage or in any other relationship put aside emotions and sensitivities and err on the side of sensibilities? Or, once the sensitivity is communicated, should the person just move on?

And so... the marriage begins...

Quid Pro Quo?

The other day I was talking with a friend of mine who I have not talked to in a long time. Last year I was having trouble with my relationship and she remembered that time in my life. This time, we were talking about my impending decision to take a different path in my life - one that may require me to give up my job.

She said to me, "you are giving up a lot," and asked me, "what is HE giving up for you?" This one question got me to thinking. Is that what relationships are about? Quid pro quo, or is it more of an understanding between two people who are entering an union for life? Do both parties in a relationship have to necessarily give something up in order for the relationship to go forward?

We have too many expectations these days - in our job, in our careers, in our children, on the man or our dreams. It seems like more and more women are getting married later and later in life because they envision the perfect man - the man who will rub their tired feet at the end of the day, the professional man, the man who will save them, etc. In fact, those same expectations are put to the test in daily life - the perfect bed, the perfect house, the perfect friends, and alas, the perfect job with the perfect work mates and boss who will fulfill them.

Problem is - these expectations are not only unrealistic, they are unhealthy to hold on to. In love and life, it is important to remember wat you are giving to the relationship and not what you will get back in return. I often forget this important lesson as well. In life, and love, it is important to remember that we have choices but we have to make those choices knowing what we want and what we want to give to this world without the expectation that we will receive in return.

Quid Pro Quo is not healthy in any relationship. My answer to my friend was simple: He doesn't have to give up anything for me. I choose to do this - this is a choice and I expect nothing in return. I can't expect anything in return - it would be unhealthy and in the end, I would be disappointed no matter what HE gave up for me.

All that glitters...

For the last year, I have been learning the value of not having envy. I used to defy the phrase from "Desiderata", Do not compare yourself to others for you will become vain and bitter. I used to constantly compare myself to others and wonder why I could not have what they had. I no longer do this. Why? Simple - they do not have it all. In fact, it is quite possible that once you peel the layers of what you are envious of, you may not want it at all. What lays beneath is not necessarily gold or even platinum for that matter.

The lesson learned here is that sometimes what we believe is gold, is simply an object which glitters and looks shiny on the outside but may not be so nice and perfect on the inside. It is an important lesson for my life as well. When people see pictures of couples, or see the engagements/nuptials section of the newspaper, they think, "wow, that couple looks great together," or "they're the perfect couple," or "they look so good together - I wish I had that." How can we let a photograph, Kodak or Fuji define what lays on the inside? How can we assume they are indeed the perfect couple?

The truth is, very few couples are "perfect". They have their share of issues, concerns, and secrets. In order to be happy in life, you have to believe that what you have glitters. You have the ability to control the carats, cut, and the clarity in your diamond gold ring. You determine if it glitters on the inside as well as the outside. It is easy to believe what everyone else has is gold. Nothing can be farther from the truth.

Deja Vu

Caveat: I wrote this when I was dating. I am engaged now but sometimes, I find myself still in Deja Vu - there are things that he does or says, and I think: I have been here before.

I never thought I would reach that point in my life when I would meet the same single man again. I met a guy, it did not work out, and life goes on. Then, a couple of years later, he reappears in my life. It is especially applicable if you are using on-line dating as a way to meet the man of your dreams. You truly have no idea how sad life can be until you start a dialogue or chat with a guy who rejected you or did not respond years ago. What was interesting about this one particular Deja Vu I had was that this guy did not even remember who I was until I refreshed his memory. I am good at that - refreshing the memory of a terrible witness. After all, being a litigator is an eye opening experience to how many people truly can't remember a damn thing . It was interesting because he wrote me an e-mail and I thought, "how do I know this name? I have seen it somewhere before." Turns out, after some thinking and checking past saved e-mails, I realized that a friend of mine from St. Louis had tried to set me up with this same guy a couple of years ago. Back then, I wrote this guy and he never wrote, called or even gave me the time of day. Well, the tide had truly turned as he was initiating contact this time.

So I wrote him and reminded him of this fact - afterall, this guy is a putz and what do I have to lose, right? After several e-mail exchanges, he finally did remember, and therein starts the Deja Vu again. No contact again - no calls, no e-mails, and the fading act, Part 2. If this is Déjà vu for you ladies, trust me, it is frightening. Some women live in cities where they get set up on dates with men they previously dated or slept with, and realize - wait, I know this guy. In a modern world where more and more people are turning to the internet for dating and eventual marriage, isn’t it possible to be a something other than a traditional "slut"? Can one be considered an internet slut? And if you are a man, an internet stud? No real sex, no threat of AIDS, no threat of meeting the other person? Repeating the cycle over and over again until you truly have either exhausted the possibility of meeting Mr. Right, or you end up meeting the same loser again and again?

I never thought I would be recycling through the internet or otherwise, but here I am. What was strange was that this was the third time that this happened to me through on-line dating. Sound familiar? Don't get me wrong, on-line dating is not a bad way to date or meet others in your city. I met my current fiance this way but since this deja vu happened more than once to me, I started questioning the on-line dating process back then, wondering whether it really held trule love for me, or was it a temporary way to feel better about yourself and feel that there is hope out there.

If you encounter Déjà vu such as mine, on the internet or in life, do not stress. Sometimes the third time is a charm. He may be the one and the timing is now right for it, or... maybe not. Your call, but don't let Deja Vu get you down. Recall what it was you liked or did not like about this one, why it did not work before, and use those as lessons to build something nice or ... get rid of him ASAP!

Why we don't buy it

caveat: I wrote this article when I was single. I am engaged now but would never tell my single female friends this line .... Ever!

A single girl in the office recently got engaged. We all saw it coming for months, and this past weekend, he proposed. A joyous occasion right? Not exactly. Although society expects single females to be happy for their female co-workers and friends, rarely are we ... Happy! Although I was excited for them on the outside, it was a facade and disguise for the pang of jealousy and anger I felt. The jealousy was directed at her and the anger at a higher source. This begged the inevitable question, "when am I going to find someone perfect for me?" Although this refers back to the "grass is greener" article I wrote, it still seems like an injustice when everyone around you is finding someone and you are not.

When I shared how I felt with a friend (not the bride-to- be), I was fed the same line that most "friends" will impose on each other - "don't worry, you will find someone too and when you least expect it. When you are not looking. You have plenty of time and you are still young." Most of the people, mind you, that are saying this are happily married, some with multiple children, and/or a ring on the way. I also believe that the single female friends who say this are simply talking to themselves. Perhaps, in an effort to convince themselves. By 4pm of the Monday on which she shared her news, she had planned her entire wedding. Upon hearing this piece of information combined with the "don't worry, it'll happen for you" advice, I ventured to down as much alcohol as I could to help me forget the day.

When I came out of my drunken stupor the next morning, I began to analyze all of this and thought to myself, "what a bunch of crap!" I don't buy it. I do not buy the statement that we will meet someone when we are not looking or when we least expect it. Love is not coming to us because we are not looking or looking high and low, or when we are not expecting it. In fact, it has nothing to do with looking or seeking out love. It has nothing to do with being cynical or an intimidating professional, career woman. It is all about timing - being in the right place at the right time. Meanwhile, women are still advising their girlfriends to give it time, to not worry and to not seek it out 'cause that's when it will happen.

Sometimes when your girlfriend says the words, "when will I meet someone like that?" perhaps the best response is nothing at all. Just listen and be there. Don't offer suggestions, or feed them the age-old line of "don't worry - it'll happen someday." Truth is, it may not. We just don't buy it. And let's all face it - we are all looking because without looking, you never would have found your partner either.