The new face of mommies in America

I've been very curious about this new phenomena in America- having kids after 30.  While I look around at my friends who have kids and are my age, some of them are almost done with their parental duties.  I see 37-year old moms like myself who have 13 and 14 year olds.  They are almost done!  Me, though, I am just starting out.  I wanted to find out whether I was the rule or the anomaly.  Did I wait too long to have kids or are more and more new mommies in America over 30?

I had to do some research and found that since 1990, the face of new mommies in America has shifted.  For example mothers in 2008 were more educated and older than those mommies two decades ago. (1)  More and more women are considering these days in vitro and other fertility options, and not necessarily with partners  - women are adopting and having babies without marriage or a partner.  Also, homosexual partners are deciding to adopt or have children as well.  This significantly changes the face of the American mom or dad.  I do not think any of these changes are a bad thing, I am simply amazed that two decades can make that big of a difference!

Two decades ago, women over 35 were less likely to have a child than a teenager, but now that has shifted.  In 2010, more and more babies are born to women over the age of 35 and less and less to teenagers.  This may be a result of better education on issues like birth control, abstinence, and sex ed. in schools and at home.  Moreover, as a result of better education, and better birth control, it seems that even women in their 20s and early 30s are waiting longer and longer to have kids.

Of course, it is also a sign of the times.  As we evolve as a people, with advanced medicine, advances in technology, it is no wonder that we are becoming more selfish as a society too.  There are so many constraints on our time with TV, media, technology, and social constraints that more and more women are waiting until they are done with school, established in their careers, and frankly, just have a better handle on their lives, especially balance in their lives, to have kids. More and more couples are also choosing the path of no children but decide to have pets instead.  After all, there is just too much to do, let alone raise children and feed more mouths.  This is a decision I also celebrate because it is important for everyone to make the right choice for their lives and lifestyles.

I got these statistics from this article at http://www.livescience.com/health/american-moms-older-more-educated-100506.html. 

•The percentage of teen moms and moms over 35 has just about flipped. In 1990, 13 percent of births were to teens while 9 percent were to women over 35. In 2008, the percentages were 10 percent to teens and 14 percent to women over 35.


•The percentage of single moms grew from 28 percent in 1990 to a record 41 percent in 2008.

•More than half of moms, 54 percent, had at least some college-level education in 2006, up from 41 percent in 1990.

•Birth rates for women aged 35 to 39 increased by 47 percent, and rates for women aged 40 to 44 increased by 80 percent over the time period.

•The overall number of babies born has remained relatively stable, rising from 4.2 million in 1990 to 4.3 million in 2008. The country saw a dip in the total number of births coinciding with the recent recession.

Of course, these statistics are interesting to me.  Even among my friends, I am one of the few that is married and has kids.  Then, among the people I have met in my groups like Bunco, Mile High Mammas, I may be slightly behind the power curve but not by much.  It just depends on which group I am with.  In my professional life and among my best friends, it seems that everyone had kids later in life or are still waiting, and among other groups especially mommy-type groups, I am the anomaly (i.e. had kids too late).  So, again, there is no right age or wrong age but I just know I am exhausted.  I cannot imagine having a kid in my 40s or 50s but women are doing it more and more and doing it just fine!   I say whatever choice you make, just stand by it and be okay with where you are because the new face of Mommies in America is not the same as it was for your parents' generation or their parents and it is changing very rapidly- who knows what the new face will be in another decade!

100% all Natural

I am prefacing this blog by stating that this is my experience and of course, from what little data I have gathered, I do believe this to be the case. Of course, if you have some evidence to dispute the below, I would love your comments.

Recently, I had my second child and therefore, decided pretty early on in the pregnancy that I was going to 100% natural this time. I did more data gathering this time, hired a doula (which I should have done the first time), and delved into the effects of epidurals, medications, and other medical interventions during child birth. I was amazed to learn that if you take any of the above before you are in active labor, that labor and delivery could be slowed down significantly. Moreover, anything taken before active labor can pass directly to the baby and thereby effect the baby's development too. This time labor and delivery was a lot quicker and while there is no pain-free labor and delivery, I have to say I was better prepared. I knew what labor pains would feel like and I was able to manage pain better. I knew about the progression of labor and the dilation and knew anything taken before I was at least 5 cm would slow down labor and possibly harm the baby. I also had hired a doula to help with pain management at the hospital and advocate for me. All in all, I have to say this time around, the entire experience was better and my recovery was 10 times quicker. Last time, I remember not being able to walk properly or do much for over 2 weeks post-partum. This time, I was up and ready within hours and the next day, was on my own, able to breastfeed a baby who was eager to feed, and was ready to head home.

This time my labor and delivery was 100% natural. Last time, I got to the hospital too early and to help me sleep and manage pain they offerred me morphine. I was only 1 cm dilated so of course, that slowed down labor - granted, the pain still continued and the meds did nothing for the pain. I was groggy, exhausted, and of course, the same can be said for the baby- she was also taking in the morphine and that may have contributed to late development for her as she did not feed right away, lost a lot of weight and to this day has issues with feeding and sleep. My sister-in-law reports different experiences with her births too. For the first, she took an epidural. I am not sure when but from how she explained it, early. While I am not associating all medical intervention with slow labor and delivery, post-recovery issues, and baby development issues, I think there is something to be said about 100% natural child birth and all of the above. Her second son was born free of intervention and from what I hear, a better eater, a better breast feeder, and even a better sleeper.

I have noticed the same this time with my second child- she is a better eater, is gaining weight, and a much better sleeper. Not that my first child was a terror- she was not. She was a great baby too but this one is just doing better and was more alert from the time of birth. I would love to do more empirical and statistical data gathering on this matter because of my own experience on the issue and I have even talked with my husband about becoming a doula part-time in the future to spread this knowledge and experience. I would love to help other women who are having children to go natural - it is truly the best thing for mother and child.

The Labor of Love

I write this one week post-partum because I needed distance from the entire experience to gain perspective. They do not call it "labor" for nothing and the thing is, it does not end after the child is born, the "labor" of love continues throughout life once a child is born. From breastfeeding to sleepless nights caring for your child when he or she is suick; from hospital and doctor's visits to sleepless nights wondering where your teenager is; from worrying about how you'll pay for their education to sheer tears at their wedding, parents go through a lot but this blog is about the LABOR of love that mothers experience.

My labor of love has seen me through natural child births now- one two years and last week, my new baby girl's birth. It was quite the trying experience and even though it was shorter, it certainly wasn't any easier. I knew a little more what to expect this time and right down to the birthing room, I was comfortable with the hospital experience more this time than last. Still, it is scary and until your child is born, it is hard to know what will happen or what "turn" the labor and delivery would take. Fortunately, we got through this one okay as well. I had a lot of help and guidance and was surrounded by good people especially my husband.

But, alas, the pain does not end really after the baby is born - if you are having a second child, this is just the beginning. We had our two kids a bit close together so while our toddler who is almost two does not understand really what is going on, now we have introduced night-time feedings and wakings into our routine too. This combined with our toddler who has poor sleep habits makes for quite the hellish nights and leave us all looking and acting like zombies. For the first few days, I was ready to send our newborn back into the womb because it was a lot safer there for her and for me. Safer for her because our toddler is a bit rough with her new sister and safer for me because I would not have to face how tough it really is to care for a newborn and a toddler at the same time. But alas, my "labor" of love continues through the 1am nursing, the 430am crying of both children, comforting one through nursing and the other by letting her hold a lock of my hair. I know that dads "labor" too- they do things daily that show they love their child and make sacrifices but moms seem to carry the burden - from carrying the child for 9 months to labor and delivery; from nursing to staying up late nights comforting the child- nothing compares to moms.

No rest for the weary

We recently had a hospital stay for two nights after the birth of our second child. We learned from our first stay two years ago how the entire operation worked so this time we were not just better prepared for the hospital "lingo" but also better able to handle ourselves at the hospital. Hospitals are no place for rest. It seemed that Murphy's Law applies at a hospital stay more than anywhere else. Right when you fall asleep, someone decides to take your vitals, or right when your baby falls asleep, someone decides you need to undress him or her so they can check the vitals on the baby. What? Couldn't you do that in another few hours?

Despite the signs we put up on our door even the hospital-provided ones, people still found ways to disturb sleeping, labored-weary mom and newborn baby. The first night, we knew what to do - "for the love of God, take the baby to the nursery already!" It was almost midnite. The nurse threatened us, "well, if you do not feed the baby, we will give her a bottle in the nursery." My response after being a second time mom was.... "so what? feel free to give her as many bottles as you want. I am not worried about any type of confusion." I was more experienced and wiser because of the last time. In the end, the truth is, bottle or nipple, the baby turns out just fine. And because of what happened last time, I knew better. Needless to say, we did not get much rest. I was in pain all night and when I was not in pain, I had stomach issues because there was no food available after I delivered. I did manage to get about 3-4 hours of sleep and I guess that is what I have to look forward to from here on out.

The next day was more of the same- they wheeled in the baby around 630am and took my vitals and checked me. We must have changed like 10 nurses and each one had their own thoughts and opinions on things and even though my birth plan stated not to ask me my pain level (1-10) every two minutes, no one paid attention. So they kept irritating me with questions like that all the time. It was quite annoying. Then, the signs went up - do not disturb, shhhh napping, but it made no difference. People would stroll in and out of our room like it was okay. The picture lady came by; the folks who run tests on the baby's cord, and so on. It never ended. My doula came to visit when we were napping and the nurse always popped in and out. There was no end to the disturbances and napping was out of the question. That night though was the kicker. It was Oscar's night and I was fading fast. I needed sleep and they were not taking the baby to the nursery. The nurse told us there were not enough people in the nursery and they were understaffed so they could only take her for 3 hours. I was going delirious from lack of sleep and at 1130pm I finally went to the nurses' station and BEGGED them to please take the baby to the nursery because if I did not get sleep, I would lose my mind. It worked! They rolled her out at midnight and did not bother us until 650am when they returned her. I slept good and got 6 and a half hours... not much but let's face it, every hour counts from here on out.

Hospitals are no place for the weary to rest. You would think it would be but it is not. In the end, you have to just hope for the best, put your foot down, and be persistent. I did not let them guilt trip me into thinking there would be nipple confusion or that I had to breast feed at night. I was not going there again and so I was wiser. In the end, it is how you handle the staff and your mindset that will determine whether you get any rest at the hospital or not. More importantly, communicate with the staff and do let them know your expectations. There is a lot of turn over so you may have to repeat yourself several times. Happy Hospital Stay!

Playing the Waiting Game

What they say about babies is absolutely true, unless of course you have scheduled your induction or C-section - babies come when they are ready and that is how God and nature intended it. Since Thursday, I have had some early signs of labor and thought this past weekend (President's Day) was it. Alas, the long weekend is not over it but there are no signs today. Needless to say, everyone got excited and the office even started a pool. So far, no Baby. But that is okay. Sure, it was the LONGEST weekend in recorded history for my husband and my friends but, babies come when babies are ready.

My due date is still 4 days away anyway so we patiently wait. Don't get me wrong, I will be excited to see the baby and find out the gender and all that but I am in no rush- you can't rush a good thing that is for sure and if the baby is not coming, there is a reason for that - I think that this baby is not quite in the right position as I learned on last Friday. This baby is in the posterior position whereas my first was anterior. Posterior is quite painful to deliver, I have learned. It is when the baby's face faces out, thus the spine or back of the head of the baby rubs against the mom's spine during labor/delivery and causes back labor which is quite painful. OH JOY! Needless to say I am doing some exercises to try to alleviate this and hope the baby turns. I am hoping for the best because back pain can be quite trying for someone trying to have a natural birth. In the end, labor pain is temporary so that is a good way to look at things.

As we play the waiting game, and my husband keeps his cell phone handy at all junctures, I am both excited and nervous. I am not anxious to have the baby out early and am quite nervous about what is about to transpire but, remain optimistic and happy. Now, if I just did not have to pee every 10 minutes, life would be good!

A few weeks of ... Rest!

The other night we had a scare as we approach our baby’s due date. I had some very strong Braxton-Hicks 3 to 4 minutes apart and felt them for an hour. It was scary. I was sure I was in labor but alas, it was false labor. Nonetheless, it was a scary thing- I was not feeling well at all, felt lethargic, felt like I was also coming down with general illness that was going around my office a few weeks ago, and to top it off, was having false labor. It at least opened my eyes to the realization that I needed more rest and this was confirmed by the midwife I saw the next morning. Needless to say, she said I needed more rest, more hydration, and needed to listen to my body. She was right.

Now came the dreaded part, talking to my boss about possibly working part-time, working from home, or doing some combination thereof. This conversation I dread because I always feel like a needy whiner when I ask for something especially since women have babies daily and I feel like I should be stronger and not so weak. It is, after all, a man’s world and you do not see many men asking for bed rest. Of course, when I see a real man (not that hokey “man” I saw on Oprah), give birth to something the size of a bowling ball from something which starts off as the size of a pea, then I will be impressed and be ashamed for asking for rest. Anyway, the moment came. I talked with my boss but fortunately, the big boss walked in at the divine moment and approved my request on the spot – he thought it was a no-brainer. Of course, he is a new boss and what a refreshing one at that. It was nice that he thought of me as a human being instead of a machine, a robot hired to do work. It was quite nice and since then, I am just trying to get some rest, and stay focused on the thought that there are still at least two or three more weeks to go. My due date is 3 weeks away but the longer the baby stays in, the better off the baby will be. I am prone to having small babies, and therefore, it is even more vital that this baby go as long as possible – 39 weeks or more is ideal.

This incident was eye opening and I am glad that I was able to react immediately and start doing what my body needs otherwise, it could carry some bad consequences. I look forward to the R&R and trying to stay healthy for the next few weeks – now, if someone just had a magic cure for this horrible upper respiratory infection, that would be great!

To "do"ula or not to "do"ula- that is the question

I am approaching that stage in my pregnancy (34 weeks) where I am starting to focus on the baby and with the baby comes the arduous task of childbirth. My first experience was not all that great. I was in pain for a long time and was utterly miserable. I wanted natural and that is how I went but there was nothing natural about it let me tell ya. So, along with packing the bag this time, I am also considering hiring a Doula or a massage therapist - someone to help me manage pain.

While I could take the easy way out and get an epidural I find the cons and risks of of an epidural outweighs its benefits and I am in no mood to have a needle stuck in my back, me laying on my side for hours .... that sounds uncomfortable beyond belief as well. So, I am considering now whether I should hire a doula for the labor and delivery. It would be covered by my healthcare spending account but not insurance which kinda sucks but since I am only paying $100 for my total maternity care, I cannot really complain. So, now I am working with a group and hopefully can find a good person to show up on "birth"day and help out a bit. While my husband is a great trooper and coach he may have his hands full with our daughter if my mom is not here in time. Moreover, there is something about a neutral person there to help out instead of family. I definitely do not want my mom near the hospital this time- she was not a help last time but rather, a hindrance. Needless to say, I think the peace of mind of knowing that someone will be there for you and show up to help no matter what type of birthing relief you may choose is a huge relief. I just hope I can hire someone in time and meet with them before ... D-day.

Got Change?

Yesterday I had the opportunity to see my baby’s face at a 30-week ultrasound. I was amazed at how clear things looked even though they were anything but clear. It was still nice to see that the little guy or gal is doing well – alert, kicking, moving, and a strong heart rate. I think it finally hit me that another life is on its way into our world and it is starting to freak me out. No matter how prepared you are for childbirth and the arrival of a new baby into your home, the first few weeks always find the parents dazed and confused. Change is hard on most everyone even those who are looking forward to it. I am sure we will be no different because for me, while the concept is great, I am starting to stress out a bit. What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t care for two? What if this kid is as active as our first? Then what? Will I have a nervous breakdown? Will my employer be supportive of my needs and issues? As you know, in this economy, people worry more about everything.

I am starting to dream more and more about the coming of this new life into our lives but mainly, I think it is because I realize things are about to change. I think that is the big thing in my life right now – CHANGE. It started with the election of my new commander in chief, and does not stop there. In January, I get two new bosses – two! I get a new boss at my full-time job and also with the Reserves. I am about to enter unchartered territory and while I know change is part of life and my career, I would remiss if I wasn’t a little nervous. For example, will the new boss support my need to take 16 weeks off or will I be let go? What if I can no longer work full-time or need accommodations? What will happen to me? What about the Reserves? Is the guy going to be family friendly or will it be mission first and the family suffers? Anyway, all these thoughts are going through my head and I wish I had a crystal ball to see into the future so I can put my mind at ease one way or the other- ‘tis better to know than to delve into the unknown. Perhaps the biggest change coming in 2009 that will affect my immediate daily life is the birth of our new son or daughter. It is going to be strange I think and I am not sure I am ready for the challenges that come with raising two. I still have not gotten used to the challenges that come with raising one. Heck, everyday is something new and as our daughter learns, so do we. I am lucky to have supportive friends and family and a husband who truly is a great dad and partner in my life. But I think the first six months we will both be delving into unchartered waters as we try to find balance with life, the children, and work. While I look forward to the adventure and challenge, I know there will be times when it will be very tough.

As I look at the pictures of yesterday’s ultrasound, and realize that only 10 weeks remain between us and this new life force, I feel it’ll be alright – people have done this for centuries and succeeded. Our parents raised us and everything seems to have worked out okay. I think in the end, change is what keeps us on our toes and keeps us from being complacent and change keeps our society progressing – so, in February, we will take the big change that enters our lives and do what we can with it to succeed – to be the best we can be as parents, as partners, and as humans. Change is more than a concept- more than a slogan and how we choose to view change and how we choose to react to it is what will determine our success , our adaptability, and our ability to grow.