The other night we had a scare as we approach our baby’s due date. I had some very strong Braxton-Hicks 3 to 4 minutes apart and felt them for an hour. It was scary. I was sure I was in labor but alas, it was false labor. Nonetheless, it was a scary thing- I was not feeling well at all, felt lethargic, felt like I was also coming down with general illness that was going around my office a few weeks ago, and to top it off, was having false labor. It at least opened my eyes to the realization that I needed more rest and this was confirmed by the midwife I saw the next morning. Needless to say, she said I needed more rest, more hydration, and needed to listen to my body. She was right.
Now came the dreaded part, talking to my boss about possibly working part-time, working from home, or doing some combination thereof. This conversation I dread because I always feel like a needy whiner when I ask for something especially since women have babies daily and I feel like I should be stronger and not so weak. It is, after all, a man’s world and you do not see many men asking for bed rest. Of course, when I see a real man (not that hokey “man” I saw on Oprah), give birth to something the size of a bowling ball from something which starts off as the size of a pea, then I will be impressed and be ashamed for asking for rest. Anyway, the moment came. I talked with my boss but fortunately, the big boss walked in at the divine moment and approved my request on the spot – he thought it was a no-brainer. Of course, he is a new boss and what a refreshing one at that. It was nice that he thought of me as a human being instead of a machine, a robot hired to do work. It was quite nice and since then, I am just trying to get some rest, and stay focused on the thought that there are still at least two or three more weeks to go. My due date is 3 weeks away but the longer the baby stays in, the better off the baby will be. I am prone to having small babies, and therefore, it is even more vital that this baby go as long as possible – 39 weeks or more is ideal.
This incident was eye opening and I am glad that I was able to react immediately and start doing what my body needs otherwise, it could carry some bad consequences. I look forward to the R&R and trying to stay healthy for the next few weeks – now, if someone just had a magic cure for this horrible upper respiratory infection, that would be great!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Biggest Scam Ever- Home Buyers Warranties
I have wanted to write about this for sometime now - we bought our home in April 2006and our realtor thought he was doing us a favor by getting us a Home Buyer's Protection Warranty. He did not do us a favor. After further assessment and continued review of this Warranty even after coverage lapsed this past April, I have come to the conclusion that Home Buyer's Warranties are the biggest fraud/scam perpetrated on the American home owner since .... well, since sub prime mortgages. Anyway, here are some experiences and observations: When we were under warranty, our washer and dryers were not covered. Apparently, appliances are extra and our realtor did not fork over the extra money. Then, there were tons of loopholes so when we had to fix a faucet in our kitchen which was literally leaking buckets, that was not covered because it was a leak. What?! Aren't leaks a problem? Nope- not covered. We had to buy our own fixture and hire someone to put it in. After this incident, I was not sure I wanted to keep paying $60 a pop for someone to come out and tell me it was not covered so I woulkd not even bother.
Our garage doors may have been covered if they fell off or something but a garage door opener is not covered. So, other than like a mass failure of the entire home it was covered and even then, there are aggregate limits associated with what they will pay out - so they will not pay more than $XXX amount per item- not per event, but per item TOTAL. What that means is that say your furnace needs a repair and it costs $200, and then later despite said repair, it goes out, they will only pay $1300more to replace the furnace cause they already forked over the $200. This is amazing to me! Needless to say, I was not impressed with the home warranty and would not encourage others to get one. There are too many loopholes and conditions and even at a $100 per year, it is not worth it. I'd rather have the realtor pay me $100 so I can use it later when the house starts falling apart which it inevitably will. Home repairs are a pain in the ass as it is and then you gotta deal with red tape with a warranty company? Come on!
Obviously we did not renew the policy and now that we are facing some other major things like a new furnace, we were wondering if we made a mistake by not renewing and the answer is overwhelmingly - NO! I looked at the lapsed contract and realized that if we wanted to get the furnace replaced, we would need a company of their choosing to come out and tell us that it needed replacement. If, however, repairs could be made to keep the 19year old furnace going, repairs would be made and we would only get up to $1500 because that is the max under the contract for the furnace - so if it really did break down in the dead of winter, we'd be SOL. Yep! Thanks home warranty people for being there! To all home owners and buyers out there, beware and read the fine print. A home warranty does not assure you anything especially not peace of mind.
Our garage doors may have been covered if they fell off or something but a garage door opener is not covered. So, other than like a mass failure of the entire home it was covered and even then, there are aggregate limits associated with what they will pay out - so they will not pay more than $XXX amount per item- not per event, but per item TOTAL. What that means is that say your furnace needs a repair and it costs $200, and then later despite said repair, it goes out, they will only pay $1300more to replace the furnace cause they already forked over the $200. This is amazing to me! Needless to say, I was not impressed with the home warranty and would not encourage others to get one. There are too many loopholes and conditions and even at a $100 per year, it is not worth it. I'd rather have the realtor pay me $100 so I can use it later when the house starts falling apart which it inevitably will. Home repairs are a pain in the ass as it is and then you gotta deal with red tape with a warranty company? Come on!
Obviously we did not renew the policy and now that we are facing some other major things like a new furnace, we were wondering if we made a mistake by not renewing and the answer is overwhelmingly - NO! I looked at the lapsed contract and realized that if we wanted to get the furnace replaced, we would need a company of their choosing to come out and tell us that it needed replacement. If, however, repairs could be made to keep the 19year old furnace going, repairs would be made and we would only get up to $1500 because that is the max under the contract for the furnace - so if it really did break down in the dead of winter, we'd be SOL. Yep! Thanks home warranty people for being there! To all home owners and buyers out there, beware and read the fine print. A home warranty does not assure you anything especially not peace of mind.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Reunions
Lately, I am amazed at how many people I have come into contact with that, but for technology, I would not have. For example, on facebook, I have reconnected with people I went to Junior High School with, High school, college, and friends I have lost touch with over the years. It is strange to me when someone I cannot remember adds me as a friend. I may confirm but it is odd nonetheless. Technology, frankly, is bringing people together that perhaps it should not. And in other cases, it is amazing to reconnect with people I have missed in my life over the years too.
This past weekend, I attended a conference and ran into some familiar faces. Like facebook, I had to filter who I talked with. I did see one woman I remembered working with in 1999 at my first duty assignment but did not find it worth the time to even say Hi because frankly, she was an odd duck. But then I saw others that I was excited to see- people I had worked for and worked with back in the day, people I had attended training with, and friends I had partied with on the 3 month long trainings with the Air Force. Needless to say, it was nice to see them. I was happy that others that I did not want to run into were not there as well. It is always nice to dodge the uncomfortable moments.
While technology brings people together, I think it has the disadvantage of overloading us as well. I think it would be nice to keep in touch with only those people you want to stay in touch with and not have it forced upon you through the obligatory, "You've got mail - add me as your friend!" But at the same time, if I can get back in touch with just three friends that add value to my life, it is worth it. So, far, I can say the reunions have been valuable.
This past weekend, I attended a conference and ran into some familiar faces. Like facebook, I had to filter who I talked with. I did see one woman I remembered working with in 1999 at my first duty assignment but did not find it worth the time to even say Hi because frankly, she was an odd duck. But then I saw others that I was excited to see- people I had worked for and worked with back in the day, people I had attended training with, and friends I had partied with on the 3 month long trainings with the Air Force. Needless to say, it was nice to see them. I was happy that others that I did not want to run into were not there as well. It is always nice to dodge the uncomfortable moments.
While technology brings people together, I think it has the disadvantage of overloading us as well. I think it would be nice to keep in touch with only those people you want to stay in touch with and not have it forced upon you through the obligatory, "You've got mail - add me as your friend!" But at the same time, if I can get back in touch with just three friends that add value to my life, it is worth it. So, far, I can say the reunions have been valuable.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Where is Colorado again?
Today I had to call T-mobile customer care. I dread calling them but sometimes I just have to - for about a week or more now I have experienced difficulty with texts and checking my remote email on my phone. So I called the customer care lady. She was a customer service provider right here in America- I think out of Iowa. I know this because I had to ask after the conversation we had.
She asked me some troubleshooting questions and told me that T-zones was down and she would credit my account for the month. I was greatful but asked her about text messages and why they would not send. She said something about the entire network being down and that we could not send pages or picture messages either. She asked me where I was located. I told her Colorado. She responded, "yeah since the 19th we have had trouble because of the Inauguration and the east coast." I was thinking to myself - OKAY, whatever when she asked me the following question: "Colorado is on the east coast, right?" I was driving at the time but I remember precisely what I was doing at the exact moment she asked me that because I was so mortified by the question. I told her Colorado was in the west and borders New Mexico to the South, and Kansas to the east. I then had to ask her where she was mainly because I did not judge this woman in case she was working a call center in England, India or China or somewhere. Nope- good ole American gal.
This got me thinking- how is it that Americans do not know their own country? It is really appalling and confusing. I mean, you do not have to know the exact location of the State- after all, the U.S. is vast. But at least know that Colorado is NOT on the east "coast". My God! Granted, I do not know world geography very well, but I can name each state capital and give you locations of the States of my country. I then started wondering if I were talking with a call center operator in another country, would they know more about America than its own citizens? Needless to say, this was an eye opening call for me and I realized that future generations of Americans are geographically inept and clueless about the world around them and that we still had some work to do... til then, Where is Colorado again? I need to go home.
She asked me some troubleshooting questions and told me that T-zones was down and she would credit my account for the month. I was greatful but asked her about text messages and why they would not send. She said something about the entire network being down and that we could not send pages or picture messages either. She asked me where I was located. I told her Colorado. She responded, "yeah since the 19th we have had trouble because of the Inauguration and the east coast." I was thinking to myself - OKAY, whatever when she asked me the following question: "Colorado is on the east coast, right?" I was driving at the time but I remember precisely what I was doing at the exact moment she asked me that because I was so mortified by the question. I told her Colorado was in the west and borders New Mexico to the South, and Kansas to the east. I then had to ask her where she was mainly because I did not judge this woman in case she was working a call center in England, India or China or somewhere. Nope- good ole American gal.
This got me thinking- how is it that Americans do not know their own country? It is really appalling and confusing. I mean, you do not have to know the exact location of the State- after all, the U.S. is vast. But at least know that Colorado is NOT on the east "coast". My God! Granted, I do not know world geography very well, but I can name each state capital and give you locations of the States of my country. I then started wondering if I were talking with a call center operator in another country, would they know more about America than its own citizens? Needless to say, this was an eye opening call for me and I realized that future generations of Americans are geographically inept and clueless about the world around them and that we still had some work to do... til then, Where is Colorado again? I need to go home.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A full-time job with the best rewards
Yesterday I took the day off, not just to watch the festivities but we were having an issue with childcare anyway so I decided to spend the day with my daughter and President Obama. It was a good day but there were moments when I thought to myself…. “I am such a bad mom, I cannot do this.” It just seemed like my daughter would not slow down. She wanted to watch Elmo, then she wanted me to read Elmo, and wanted banana chips and nothing else. Of course, we ran out so that spelled trouble. Then, lunch time was trying. What do I feed this child? I mean, she snacks all day as it is, drinks milk non-stop, and then now I gotta figure out breakfast, lunch and dinner. Hmm… wow! It was hard, sure, but I gotta say, as the day wore on, it was fun too. For example, we went for a nice walk in the beautiful weather and she played at the park. She wore me out more than she herself got wore out. We were at the park a good hour but she did not understand the concept of “it is time to go home now”. She did not want to leave and it took some manipulation to get her home… for example, I had her running and we did a pretend race and then, we slowed down to take in the water stream and things like that – otherwise, she was not leaving that playground!
Stay at home moms have a tough job- they are constantly in a routine dominated by their children. If they have multiples, it is even harder I am sure. As a parent who stays home, you have to be mindful of many things for the care of an infant and young toddler: diaper changes (your sense of smell better be intact or else), feedings (not just basic meals but snack time too), play time (this may or may not include an outdoor play regiment – depends on weather really), and the ever important nap time(s). If the child is younger, they may take multiple naps. If the child is older, you may be lucky to get them down for an hour. Then in the evenings, you have to also focus on bath time and sleep time routines. Since I am a working parent, on most days, I have to try to get dinner and that usually means frozen stuff or going out to pick something up or ordering in, and give my daughter a bath and then try to get her down at a reasonable hour which these days has turned in wee hours of the night. Routine is not that important because I have to adjust it to meet my schedule some days as well. But, as a stay at home parent, I can see where routine is not only helpful, it is a must!! Without a nap routine, a feeding routine, or changing routine, you are truly run by your child's schedule and as a stay at home parent, for your own sanity, your child needs to be on a timetable. I gotta say, I am looking forward to maternity leave, and after I work out some kinks in the system, I am sure I will be returning to work—right as I start getting used to being a stay at home mom. Go figure! All in all, I think parenting is the best job in the world - it is the hardest job but the one that yields the best rewards too! I cannot wait to follow the progress of my child as she grows into what I hope is a great person. Til next time, Happy Parenting!
Stay at home moms have a tough job- they are constantly in a routine dominated by their children. If they have multiples, it is even harder I am sure. As a parent who stays home, you have to be mindful of many things for the care of an infant and young toddler: diaper changes (your sense of smell better be intact or else), feedings (not just basic meals but snack time too), play time (this may or may not include an outdoor play regiment – depends on weather really), and the ever important nap time(s). If the child is younger, they may take multiple naps. If the child is older, you may be lucky to get them down for an hour. Then in the evenings, you have to also focus on bath time and sleep time routines. Since I am a working parent, on most days, I have to try to get dinner and that usually means frozen stuff or going out to pick something up or ordering in, and give my daughter a bath and then try to get her down at a reasonable hour which these days has turned in wee hours of the night. Routine is not that important because I have to adjust it to meet my schedule some days as well. But, as a stay at home parent, I can see where routine is not only helpful, it is a must!! Without a nap routine, a feeding routine, or changing routine, you are truly run by your child's schedule and as a stay at home parent, for your own sanity, your child needs to be on a timetable. I gotta say, I am looking forward to maternity leave, and after I work out some kinks in the system, I am sure I will be returning to work—right as I start getting used to being a stay at home mom. Go figure! All in all, I think parenting is the best job in the world - it is the hardest job but the one that yields the best rewards too! I cannot wait to follow the progress of my child as she grows into what I hope is a great person. Til next time, Happy Parenting!
O-BAMA!
I really had a great time watching all the pomp and awe surrounding the inauguration yesterday. I remember other inaugurations but I do not remember being this excited. Of course, that could be because for the last 5 years, I have not cared too much for politics or our President. I watched the Clinton inauguration - the first time he was elected. I was a little disenchanted the 2nd time. Needless to say, for many Americans, this was a historic Inauguration and it carried many firsts. Aside from the obvious firsts, it is also the first time, during my generation, that the image of the President has morphed into something.... well, truly American! I am not just talking about race. I am talking about how the President holds himself out to the public- how he holds himself out to the world. He really portrays an image of grace, dignity, and calm. He is eloquent and his manners are impeccable. It is so refreshing to have a President whom you can respect and be proud to have America represented in the global sphere. Yesterday's inaugural festivities were no exception.
I know the media played up the "race" thing a bit too much - panning the National Mall and the audience for African-Americans but this truly was about the nation and I wish the coverage would have been more well, more "race neutral". It is hard to ignore that he is the first black President and it is exciting especially for those who braved and survived the Civil Rights movement but I think it is more about race now and I am really excited at what the future holds for all people - regardless of race, religion, and national origin. Foreign countries are most excited of all - could this be the beginning of good relations with other nations? My expectations are not that high but most everyone expects a lot. I just hope that he is allowed a chance instead of branded a failure because he did not deliver right away- after all, he is just one man and part of a bureaucracy which never seems to get anything done. Needless to say, the image he portrays and continues to do so will serve him and our nation well and I look forward to the journey. The struggles are many, and I hope the country can make it.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Approaching D-Day
Today, I had my 34-week appointment with the OB for my pregnancy and for the past few days, it has really started to hit me that another life is about to enter the world and our home. Our lives about to change yet again. It is not scary as much at is a bit daunting - seems like there is a lot to do and not enough time to do it. If I am going to hire a doula, I need to get on that. I need to start doing exercises to help in preparation for childbirth, and start getting my paperwork in order to take Family Medical Leave. Lots to do and it seems like very little time to do it in. I would like to have my bag packed but there is a lot I cannot pack til the day of - for example, my robe cannot be packed til the day of. PJs - same story and clothing for the hospital- same thing. My hubbie can always run home and get me some things but I would rather do it myself. At least my paperwork is done, I am pre-registered, and the baby's things are packed too. The hospital really gives you everything else you need except for comfortable clothes and shoes so, I do not have much to worry about.
In any case, as I start thinking of D-Day, I am a little nervous. I now know what childbirth is like, how long it can last, and all the things that can go right and wrong. As I await my fate and look forward to seeing Baby #2, I also worry about many things but ... I guess it is out of my control so we will just wait and see.
In any case, as I start thinking of D-Day, I am a little nervous. I now know what childbirth is like, how long it can last, and all the things that can go right and wrong. As I await my fate and look forward to seeing Baby #2, I also worry about many things but ... I guess it is out of my control so we will just wait and see.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Change, Change, Change
Yesterday I had the first opportunity to meet who my new boss at my full-time job is going to be and this weekend, I will meet my new commander down at my Reserves position too. Two new bosses in a week! Wow! That is a lot of change. Sure, I am not new to the concept, with 7 years active duty, and several different positions at each assignment, I had the opportunity to have many different bosses. Each boss over the years has had his or her own management/leadership style and each has likes and dislikes and as I have learned after having 6 bosses in 7 years, you kinda have to deal with it and like a box of Whitman's Sampler Chocolates, you just do not know what you're gonna get. In the end, the boss is the boss and you have to adapt and overcome.
In my case, both new bosses have something in common- they are both policy men- they are bureaucrats, rule followers, color within the lines, and love policy and process. I could, of course, care less for policy, process, and staying within the lines. I have always marched to a different tune and love to be creative when I can-kinda hard in a bureaucracy, huh? Needless to say, this will be a good complement to me because I am not a detail-oriented person but rather, prefer big picture. I am very anxious, excited, and at the same time being cautiously optimistic. I am very pleased about one of the bosses because he immediately told us that he believes in family first and a family friendly workplace. He is even on a committee in our Department to further said goals. That is positive for me as we expect another change here soon - a new baby while another one is still in diapers. Needless to say, the question has crossed my mind- when it comes to a battle between family friendly and process/policy or rules, which one will trump? Hmm.... we will find out soon enough I am sure.
On January 20, 2009, I will also have a new commander in chief and of course, a lot of change is coming to the government in general. I am excited but also nervous about all these changes... but I think it is good to keep on your toes and if you fall into a rut and there is no prospect of change, the economy and other aspects of life stagnate so.... as 2009 gets underway, I am just taking it one day at a time and hope that all the change is positive or if it is not, that I hope I can get through it .... 'til change happens again.
In my case, both new bosses have something in common- they are both policy men- they are bureaucrats, rule followers, color within the lines, and love policy and process. I could, of course, care less for policy, process, and staying within the lines. I have always marched to a different tune and love to be creative when I can-kinda hard in a bureaucracy, huh? Needless to say, this will be a good complement to me because I am not a detail-oriented person but rather, prefer big picture. I am very anxious, excited, and at the same time being cautiously optimistic. I am very pleased about one of the bosses because he immediately told us that he believes in family first and a family friendly workplace. He is even on a committee in our Department to further said goals. That is positive for me as we expect another change here soon - a new baby while another one is still in diapers. Needless to say, the question has crossed my mind- when it comes to a battle between family friendly and process/policy or rules, which one will trump? Hmm.... we will find out soon enough I am sure.
On January 20, 2009, I will also have a new commander in chief and of course, a lot of change is coming to the government in general. I am excited but also nervous about all these changes... but I think it is good to keep on your toes and if you fall into a rut and there is no prospect of change, the economy and other aspects of life stagnate so.... as 2009 gets underway, I am just taking it one day at a time and hope that all the change is positive or if it is not, that I hope I can get through it .... 'til change happens again.
To "do"ula or not to "do"ula- that is the question
I am approaching that stage in my pregnancy (34 weeks) where I am starting to focus on the baby and with the baby comes the arduous task of childbirth. My first experience was not all that great. I was in pain for a long time and was utterly miserable. I wanted natural and that is how I went but there was nothing natural about it let me tell ya. So, along with packing the bag this time, I am also considering hiring a Doula or a massage therapist - someone to help me manage pain.
While I could take the easy way out and get an epidural I find the cons and risks of of an epidural outweighs its benefits and I am in no mood to have a needle stuck in my back, me laying on my side for hours .... that sounds uncomfortable beyond belief as well. So, I am considering now whether I should hire a doula for the labor and delivery. It would be covered by my healthcare spending account but not insurance which kinda sucks but since I am only paying $100 for my total maternity care, I cannot really complain. So, now I am working with a group and hopefully can find a good person to show up on "birth"day and help out a bit. While my husband is a great trooper and coach he may have his hands full with our daughter if my mom is not here in time. Moreover, there is something about a neutral person there to help out instead of family. I definitely do not want my mom near the hospital this time- she was not a help last time but rather, a hindrance. Needless to say, I think the peace of mind of knowing that someone will be there for you and show up to help no matter what type of birthing relief you may choose is a huge relief. I just hope I can hire someone in time and meet with them before ... D-day.
While I could take the easy way out and get an epidural I find the cons and risks of of an epidural outweighs its benefits and I am in no mood to have a needle stuck in my back, me laying on my side for hours .... that sounds uncomfortable beyond belief as well. So, I am considering now whether I should hire a doula for the labor and delivery. It would be covered by my healthcare spending account but not insurance which kinda sucks but since I am only paying $100 for my total maternity care, I cannot really complain. So, now I am working with a group and hopefully can find a good person to show up on "birth"day and help out a bit. While my husband is a great trooper and coach he may have his hands full with our daughter if my mom is not here in time. Moreover, there is something about a neutral person there to help out instead of family. I definitely do not want my mom near the hospital this time- she was not a help last time but rather, a hindrance. Needless to say, I think the peace of mind of knowing that someone will be there for you and show up to help no matter what type of birthing relief you may choose is a huge relief. I just hope I can hire someone in time and meet with them before ... D-day.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
A glimpse of empty-nest syndrome?
I got a little glimpse this past week of what my life may become after my children grow up and move away. My husband took my daughter to visit his parents and sisters and there I was, waving good bye and kissing my 19-month old. As tears welled up in my eyes, I realized – man, this is going to be hard when she goes off to school, college, and one day decides to get married. I can completely understand why so many couples go through a weird stage in their marriage after the children have flown the coup completely. It seems my current routine (if I am at home or the weekend) revolves around my daughter- feeding her, making sure she gets a nap, playtime, making sure she is changed and diapered, and the routine sorta runs in circles until it is time for bathtime and bed again. Life stays so busy, you forget that you have to feed and bathe yourself too. That is where my husband and I tend to do well tag teaming to make sure each of us can get in exercise or alone time in, a shower, and of course, some food. Of course, as a child develops and grows, they go through different things - school, trips, birthdays, teen-troubles, etc. As these things present themselves, the parents nonetheless remain busy and involved.
Since my husband and my daughter took off yesterday, I was not sure what to do with myself. All of a sudden, I had a bunch of time on my hands and nothing really pressing. I wanted to get the clothes sorted and ready for arrival of Baby #2, and get the toys organized as well, but other than scrapbooking and watching a movie while I scrapbook, there was not anything really pressing. Sure, I can feed myself without the distraction of my daughter, and maintain cleanliness for a few days as opposed to a few minutes, but there is a certain sense of something missing in my life and my routine when my daughter and husband are away. I have not been alone in the house --- ever! We moved into this house and 3 weeks later, our daughter was born, and since then, I have not been alone in the house – strange indeed! I heard all the cracking noises and settling noises and high pitched wind noises you can imagine. No screaming or crying toddler in the middle of the night yet I did not sleep as soundly as I do when she is next to me or my husband is there.
So, I was reflecting on how couples might cope after the kids leave the house. Many marriages do not take kindly to removal of the buffer children. Other marriages grow even stronger. In my office, there is a couple with 5 kids- all grown and gone away. Their marriage has grown even stronger it seems. Another couple just separated after their youngest flew the coop at 19. They did not know each other anymore – they only saw each other through the kids’ eyes. This entire thing has got me thinking: I think there are three serious teething periods in a marriage: The first comes when you get married and/or move in together. I think that is a huge adjustment period for couples. Whose things stay? Whose goes? Are both Type A and ALPHA or is one giving everything up? The right balance needs to be struck and it takes time and often, gets frustrating. The second period comes after a child is born into the marriage. If you haven’t worked out the first teething period, chances are, this period will be even tougher because everyone has a different idea on how to raise kids. However, as long as a couple communicates through this very important teething period, an understanding can be reached and balance can be achieved- each agreeing to give and take so the other can still be an individual, a spouse, and a parent. The third teething period comes around retirement or during the empty-nest period. This is when the buffer-kids are gone. Neither spouse has the children in the home anyway to consume their time, and soccer, baseball, tennis and swim lessons have all given way to quiet evenings at home with a lot of spare time. No PTA meetings, no school dances, and no family trips. The focus now is on the individual and the marriage and not the kid. As an attorney providing legal assistance to many individuals who are either seeking divorce or on the receiving end, I always found it odd (before I had my own child) when the 20 or 30-years of marriage couple came to seek a divorce. It just seemed odd to me but I guess I can understand as it is a teething period and like all adjustment periods, in a marriage, if two people cannot overcome it, they decide to call it quits. I can imagine how hard it is to readjust each other, learn about activities that the other likes, and try to find things to do together - common interests help but common values help even more.
In any case, I think all teething periods require a lot of effort of both spouses but it certainly does help to know what is going on and what stage you are both in or you could feel like you do not know the other person and could decide it is a different person. When in fact, your spouse is not a different person - you have just been so occupied that you did not stop and look, listen, or get involved with that other person. So, it is time to get re-oriented. I am so glad my hubbie and daughter will return tomorrow. Right now, we have the excitement of another child coming into our home and empty-nest syndrome is still a ways off, but in the meantime, when we reach another minor teething period, I hope that we can look back, read this blog, and realize what we both need to do.
Since my husband and my daughter took off yesterday, I was not sure what to do with myself. All of a sudden, I had a bunch of time on my hands and nothing really pressing. I wanted to get the clothes sorted and ready for arrival of Baby #2, and get the toys organized as well, but other than scrapbooking and watching a movie while I scrapbook, there was not anything really pressing. Sure, I can feed myself without the distraction of my daughter, and maintain cleanliness for a few days as opposed to a few minutes, but there is a certain sense of something missing in my life and my routine when my daughter and husband are away. I have not been alone in the house --- ever! We moved into this house and 3 weeks later, our daughter was born, and since then, I have not been alone in the house – strange indeed! I heard all the cracking noises and settling noises and high pitched wind noises you can imagine. No screaming or crying toddler in the middle of the night yet I did not sleep as soundly as I do when she is next to me or my husband is there.
So, I was reflecting on how couples might cope after the kids leave the house. Many marriages do not take kindly to removal of the buffer children. Other marriages grow even stronger. In my office, there is a couple with 5 kids- all grown and gone away. Their marriage has grown even stronger it seems. Another couple just separated after their youngest flew the coop at 19. They did not know each other anymore – they only saw each other through the kids’ eyes. This entire thing has got me thinking: I think there are three serious teething periods in a marriage: The first comes when you get married and/or move in together. I think that is a huge adjustment period for couples. Whose things stay? Whose goes? Are both Type A and ALPHA or is one giving everything up? The right balance needs to be struck and it takes time and often, gets frustrating. The second period comes after a child is born into the marriage. If you haven’t worked out the first teething period, chances are, this period will be even tougher because everyone has a different idea on how to raise kids. However, as long as a couple communicates through this very important teething period, an understanding can be reached and balance can be achieved- each agreeing to give and take so the other can still be an individual, a spouse, and a parent. The third teething period comes around retirement or during the empty-nest period. This is when the buffer-kids are gone. Neither spouse has the children in the home anyway to consume their time, and soccer, baseball, tennis and swim lessons have all given way to quiet evenings at home with a lot of spare time. No PTA meetings, no school dances, and no family trips. The focus now is on the individual and the marriage and not the kid. As an attorney providing legal assistance to many individuals who are either seeking divorce or on the receiving end, I always found it odd (before I had my own child) when the 20 or 30-years of marriage couple came to seek a divorce. It just seemed odd to me but I guess I can understand as it is a teething period and like all adjustment periods, in a marriage, if two people cannot overcome it, they decide to call it quits. I can imagine how hard it is to readjust each other, learn about activities that the other likes, and try to find things to do together - common interests help but common values help even more.
In any case, I think all teething periods require a lot of effort of both spouses but it certainly does help to know what is going on and what stage you are both in or you could feel like you do not know the other person and could decide it is a different person. When in fact, your spouse is not a different person - you have just been so occupied that you did not stop and look, listen, or get involved with that other person. So, it is time to get re-oriented. I am so glad my hubbie and daughter will return tomorrow. Right now, we have the excitement of another child coming into our home and empty-nest syndrome is still a ways off, but in the meantime, when we reach another minor teething period, I hope that we can look back, read this blog, and realize what we both need to do.
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