What!? I'm not American?

Last week I was watching another episode of 'Desperate Housewives' and it started to hit me too --- essentially, the Solis family is of Hispanic descent and it seems their 7-year old daughter only figures this out at the admissions office of her new school. She is going in to meet with the principal for an interview and testing and the principal says how nice it is to have a diversity and a Mexican-American family at their school. The girl freaks out and says with a tear in her eye, "I'm Mexican!? I thought I was American!" It is enough to make you giggle. The parents have to explain to her later that she is Latino and that her grandparents are Mexican. She does not grasp it. They wonder how could a 7-year old not notice that we are of Hispanic heritage.... as they look around at their white Anglo Saxon neighborhood and their own habits they realize they never kept their heritage alive.

In any case, applying this to us, I realize as we walk through stores and restaurants, I am not sure my daughter knows that she is Indian-American and I doubt she will know this for sometime. She does not yet identify color or language as something "different". She just falls into place at school with all the other Caucasian, Indian-American, and Hispanic kids and goes about her business. While she is not color blind in the medical sense, she certainly is in the race-sense. In any case, as I look around our neighborhood, my work colleagues and the kids she goes to school with, I realize we will have to teach her about our heritage, our culture, and our religion because she could fall prey to the same dilemma little Solis faced on 'Desperate Housewives' and one day, she may say, "I'm Indian? WHAT! I thought I was American."

IUD- Mirena

Well, it is inevitable as a mother of two and a wife who really does not want more children at this stage because of sheer exhaustion and finances, we were bound to make the decision on how to best prevent unwanted or rather, unplanned pregnancies. The best option in my mind was for my husband to get a surgical procedure. After all, it really should be the man's responsibility too... but that is an invasive option. My sister in law is an OB-GYN so we did discuss it with her and although rarely talked about among friends and colleagues, I started asking about what birth control method others used. Overwhelmingly, among women who had kids, the Mirena was the most popular and came the most recommended by doctors as well.

So I did my research on both the Paragard (10 Years) and Mirena (5 years). Paragard has no hormones which means no adverse affects whereas Mirena, in about 5-10% women, causes weight gain, mood swings, and other issues associated with hormones. In any case, I decided I did not want periods anymore - I had become quite accustomed to not having them after 2 kids and 2 full years of nursing with each one so.... the Mirena appeared to be the best choice.

There are so many rumors and blogs out there by single, young women who have never had kids on how painful it is and the horrible effects of Mirena especially insertion. For me, it was a breeze and I wish I had not been so nervous to get it inserte. There is 1-minute of cramping and that is about it and some blood which is fine because you are on your period anyway. In any case, I write this 1-day after the Mirena but I will update the blog as appropriate to share my experience on it and with it. In the meantime, if you are going to get this IUD, take Ibuprofen (400 mg) one hour prior to your appointment and then just go home and relax. They do a follow-up appointment 6-weeks after insertion so hopefully all is going well by then or I will update this blog.

Happy Family Planning!

The longest Baby Shower ... EVER!

I do not get the opportunity to attend too many baby showers - mainly because most of my friends are single and not having children. If they do have children, they are most likely done. Last night, I had the opportunity to attend an Indian baby shower and they are certainly not the normal baby showers - they, like Indian weddings, are a family affair. All members of the family are invited and everyone gets to participate. And like most Indian events, there is tons of food- so much so that they have to roll you out.

In any case, this shower I thought was well organized but a little long for me. The start time was 6pm and we did not get home until 11pm so you can imagine how long it was. Like most Indian events, this one probably ran on Indian Standard Time (IST) and therefore, most likely started at 630pm or closer to 7pm. We had really bad weather last night so it took us almost an hour to get there and we did not arrive til close to 730pm which is probably good because they did not cut the cake until almost 845pm! Of course, that meant we ate good, spicy food after 9pm. For me, that is rather late. I usually eat dinner on weekdays and most days between 530 and 730 pm. Anything after 8pm, is late as far as I am concerned. The kids were getting restless too - you could tell as the volume went up and screaming slowly increased.

The shower was well done and the food and desserts were amazing. The only thing annoying was the games and the shower program. There were tons of games - too many almost. As my sister in law calls it, "death by baby shower". One particular game seemed like a family game where people guessed who did what as an infant/toddler or child. And, other than family, no one really knew or could even guess whether it was the mother-to-be or father-to-be that committed the misdeed as a child. That game did me in. But there were other games too and entertainment and songs too. We ended with the kids singing nursery rhymes to the parents to be and I have to say, that was the shortest part of the entire program and quite cute.

All in all, it was a good time but having had two baby showers myself, I realized how long and grueling these events really could be.

The Generation Gap

I recently read an article in the Wall Street Journal that my husband sent my way and I realized how true most of it was. This generation (our generation) is relying more and more on their parents to provide child care. I started thinking about this because it is a phenomenon really. When we grew up, for the average family in the 70s and 80s, one parent stayed home and took care of the kids- generally, the mom. That is how things were. Despite the cost of living, it was just understood that one parent would be at home, and somehow things would work out on one salary. More and more families lived within their means too. I saw another news story on NBC the other night that talked about how people these days (in our generation) are buying homes beyond their means. It was the norm to have a 900-1500 sq ft home in the 80s and not to exceed your means. Your entire life savings was not going into your home and a home was a place to live and on one income, a 15-year mortgage was the best because after all, you needed shelter.

Most families were able to live on one income and still save somewhat for retirement. Family came first and child care was not an option. Most moms were not professionals either - they were either teachers, secretaries or not educated enough - so, it was not worth it anyway.

Nowadays, things are different - due to the women's liberation, equal pay and equal rights, more and more women are in the workplace. Women are in unconventional trades- military, science, and the like. More and more women are travelling further and more than their husbands. Men are actually staying at home with the kids now because the wives make more. However, more and more - both mom and dad are working and need to because lifestyles and times have changed. Thus, enter the grandparents. Grandparents are stepping in to raise the grandkids because it breaks their hearts to see them raised by strangers so, more and more of the previous generation are stepping up to do what they should not have to do - raise kids again. Well into their 60s, baby boomers appear to be taking on the burdens of child rearing because our generation cannot get it together - unlike our parents' generations, we are not willing to make sacrifices- we want the fancy car, the house we cannot afford, and the clothes and shoes that we should not be wearing. Our parents did not go out on dates as often and sacrificed for us and they continued to do so today.

It was an interesting article and put perspective on our present situation. I am a professional and so is my hubbie and neither of us wants to or desires to give up our job to stay home and raise kids. Neither one of us can give up our lifestyle and so it seems, our children are being raised by my parents and with that comes some compromising on our part too - living with grandma at our house, listening to her advice day-in and day out and of course, the fine art of diplomacy and compromise. I do not like it but the level of care that family provides is always better than what strangers and third parties can so, we try to mend the cultural and generational gap and work with our parents. My mom, who was a housewife, does not mind - she wants to feel needed and has no hobbies of her own so once again finds herself wanting to raise a family - mine. It is quite the conundrum and this article from WSJ really sheds light on the entire situation: http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2009/06/24/grandmas-too-indulgent-grandpas-too-strict-child-rearing-disputes-with-grandparents/

Changing family dynamics

We brought home our new baby girl two weeks ago and it has been quite a LONG two weeks. With a 21-month old at home already, bringing a new baby into the home has changed the family dynamics quite a bit, disrupted everyone's routines, and thrown our household in a sleepless state of insanity. It seems like we are constantly running around- either chasing after the toddler, or diapering and feeding the newborn. Life has settled a bit in week two but week one seemed like a whirlwind and I could not believe how much life had changed instantly. It is nice to not have to take the newborn out with my mom staying at home with her but it is so important to have a routine for the toddler too. She needs to continue her bath time, story time, outings, and park time. While our toddler may be adjusting better than us, she still gets up in the middle night, adding more turmoil to an already stressed mommy who is up all the time feeding the baby.

We have decided to continue day care for our toddler for two or three days a week until mom adjusts or baby starts to sleep at night a little more but 'til then, the routine continues at our household and we just hope that in a few months time, things can settle down a bit. I do know one thing, it will NEVER be just my husband and me again - we are definitely a family and the sooner we accept that, the sooner everyone can settle down into a routine. The key I have found over the past two weeks is working with my husband as a team especially in the middle of the night when there are two girls crying out for us. Another thing we both know is that our days of sleeping in are definitely gone and in some cases, sleeping at all.

I am sure I will continue to report our trials and tribulations as our adventures continue.

Balance or Sacrifice?

My mom is currently living with us and she tends to be pretty old school about things in general – life, hobbies, raising family, and the roles that people should play in life. For example, she did not work when we were growing up, thus affording us the opportunity to have a full-time parent at our disposal 24-7. However, this came at a cost of my mom, dad, and my brother and I going without things and living within our means. It also meant my dad had to work harder and try to contribute to his retirement while feeding, educating, and clothing us. My mom said something interesting the other day when we heard a friend that I grew up with was getting divorced. She could not understand why this gal’s husband was such a louse after 2 kids – didn’t he understand responsibility and most importantly, sacrifice? My mom gave up countless hobbies to raise us. I am still at a loss to understand why but nonetheless this is touted as the cornerstone of raising children- sacrifice. I can understand going without so your child can have an education, clothes, food, but giving up things you may want to do seems a little extreme to our generation.

Now, I can understand if your hobbies are toxic- ie., drinking, smoking, recreational drugs, partying til 4am with the girls every weekend, etc., those are more lifestyle changes than giving up coin collecting, scrapbooking, poker with the boys, making jewelry, pottery, etc. And, we all have to make lifestyle changes when a kid comes along because let's face it - you can't do the exact same thing and expect the child to just fall in place. Also, if you can’t find time to do something, that may be a different matter. When I make a choice, it is usually between napping/sleeping OR doing something like watching a movie, going out, or scrapbooking into the wee hours of the night. For me, those choices tend to be a no brainer- I tend to always choose sleep! But, I do get to make the choice.

I think some parents of my mom’s generation believed sacrifice was the only way to raise a family- go without, give up things, and make choices to give up things that did not comport with a family lifestyle. Conversely, these days, you hear more and more parents of our generation using terms like “balance” and “choice” as opposed to sacrifice. For our generation, it is not about how much you gave up but rather, how well you can strike a balance between all the things you love- family, home, and those hobbies you enjoyed doing before you had a family. Once again, I am referring to activities and hobbies here not lifestyle changes. Some lifestyle changes are unfortunately, necessary. For example, I cannot sleep until noon any longer. I would feel wrong doing so as well because the weekends are the only time I get with my daughter it seems. In that sense, I do make a sacrifice of sleep but I do not even think of it that way - it is just something moms do. I think it is important to try to balance the important facets of your life. I remember my parents relaying stories of how they never went out or to movies because they did not want to leave us with a babysitter. I, on the other hand, think it is very important to carve out time for your spouse and each other and ensure that you have quiet times without the child- whether at home, at the movies, at a nice restaurant, or out on the town, it is important to have a date night. It is just as important for me to get out and get a massage or alone time to read a paper. It just clears my head. Once again, it is about balance not sacrifice. In either case, I find it interesting to hear stories about what my parents gave up or did not do as a result of us. It almost makes you feel bad when you hear the stories. Granted, I do not think we are better off or worse off as adults because our parents did those things. There are plenty of kids who turn out just fine and they went to a baby sitter occasionally or went to child care full-time. If anything, I think kids who grow up in a balanced home and observe balanced parents may actually fare better because they see how important it is to bring balance into their lives as well.

In the end, there is not a right or wrong way when it comes to this but I do think it is important to note how different two generations can be when it comes to even the simplest things.

It may truly take a village

I remember when Hillary Clinton first coined the phrase, "It takes a Village", through her book on the concept of how so many people shape the lives of children, not just mom and dad. It is a really good read on what it takes in our modern society to raise children, what an amazing gift parenthood is, and why it truly takes more than just the parents to raise a child. No matter how old, a child is shaped by her parents, the grandparents, the neighbors, the kids in school or day care, the minister or pastor, the policeman who was kind to the child, the teacher, the doctor, and the friends of the parents.

The philosophy of "It takes a Village" is not new to the rest of the world but may be to many Americans who often feel isolated from friends and family. Living states apart, Americans are more novel to the concept of the Village than European or Asians.

I started to wonder if the "village" your child is raised in impacts his or her development - education, learning skills, feelings of security, and self worth. My mother has been helping us with the care of our daughter on and off since her birth. We get visitors from my side of the family and my husband's and we often travel as well to see relatives and expose our daughter to her cousins and aunts and uncles. When my daughter is not in the care of my mother or us, she goes to a private home where she is the only child being watched by a couple who do not have grandchildren of their own. They are multilingual and of my culture so she is exposed to that as well. While futile with work and activities, we try to expose our daughter to neighborhood kids and friends' kids - most of whom are not Indian. But I truly started to wonder now that I have my own kid and will soon have a sibling for our daughter if the village will shape our daughter's life. I know we will definitely have an impact on her but does it take a village?

I think it does. While parents can discipline and educate their children, children learn very early to be defiant and independent and they will form their own opinions on foods, issues, and what they think is a good bedtime :-0 Children will explore the world outside the home and learn about its people - good and bad. Children will often make mistakes and learn from them. How others' interact with your children does shape their lives and now that I am living through this, I truly believe that it does take a village.

My daughter is more secure when she is not in a day care environment. She loves when we have visitors and the house is partially filled with relatives and friends. Granted, she does not like crowds but there is a sense of security that permeats her being when we are all there- maybe not doing anything but just there. She feels secure from the type of care she receives. If in the home or private home, I tend to see her acting more secure and happy. At a center, she is lost and often feels the need to be clingy, displaying her insecurity to me when I get home. How she is treated by the world around her impacts her well-being, her creativity, her attitude, and her eating habits. Parenting is a joy and it is a gift from God but in assessing my own parenting skills, I have learned a lot from the last year and a half as well. How I react to my daughter makes a difference in how she reacts to me and the world around her.

I am so thankful to be a mom and share in parenting with a partner who is equally thrilled to have a child and as I take this time to reflect on the last year and a half, I realize that it takes more than me and more than my husband and that continuously my daughter will be exposed to the world around her which will also impact her growth and learning and it is my job to understand and even assess the "village" we place her in, the "village" she finds herself in, and the elements in it. While I do not 100% agree with Hillary Clinton's political views, I did enjoy the premise of her book and agree that when it comes to children and their development, it does take a village.

I am NOT "just" a mom

It has occurred to me lately that there is more life to working, travelling, hobbies or watching your favorite shows and movies. Lord knows I cannot get through a movie any longer without interruption so I continue to multi-task. There is more to being just a mom too. Sure, it is a catchy title and can imply a lot to someone who hears you are a mom – busy, responsible, preoccupied, multi-tasker, superwoman, or nuts are some words people think of but I think being a mom is all of those words and so much more.

Being a mom requires an enormous amount of patience – it is built over time and truly becomes a virtue. Being a mom requires a lot of understanding – towards your spouse, your parents and others who offer advice constantly, towards society as a whole, towards your intolerant boss who doesn’t quite get it, and of course, understanding towards the child as well. Being a mom requires sacrifice – tremendous amounts of it. Some moms give up their last piece of favorite dessert so their child can enjoy it but some moms give up a lot more for their child. Some moms will sacrifice their career or at least put it on hold. Some moms put hobbies and interests on hold so they can play with their kids and help them develop at a critical time. Moms make sacrifices daily – some are not even noticed because they seem so natural to the mom. Being a mom means not getting all the sleep you need especially when the child is sick or injured- she will often sleep walk to check on her baby and not even know it. But in her heart, she knows the baby is fine. Being a mom is more about love and understanding than most men or people care to realize. Being a mom is heart and soul, 24-7.

Being a mom is more than a full-time job, and so much more than a career- it is a full-time, around the clock profession. When a mom is asked at 3am by her child for something, she does not clock out or turn away but rather tries to help. When her baby or toddler has wet the bed at 4am, mom cannot roll over and go back to sleep- she jumps up and considers it a call to duty and even when she cannot go back to bed, she prays that her child does so he or she is well-rested. When a mom prays in church, at the synagogue, the temple or to a God of her choosing, she does not ask anything for herself but rather for her children- “let them be safe- give their sorrows and troubles to me and let them be forever…free.”

Yes, moms are underrated in our society- they are undervalued. Not everyone woman has been blessed enough to become a mom and not every mother can a “mom” but the woman who can is not just any ole mommy- she is truly a God send, a helper sent down to create, to nurture, to educate, to train, to make whole this new little being who has a piece of God within so that one day, that little creature may too … be more than “just” a mommy. And if you are also blessed to be a mom of a son, I pray that you teach him the value and the worth of a mom because it is often men in our world who teach and preach that a mom be undervalued because she is “just” a mom. I pray that your son grows up to be more than just a “daddy”.

The consummate conflict of balance in a joint family

My mother has returned to stay with us for a couple of months and with that comes my dad to visit for a short period of time (okay, so 10 days is not short by American standards but by Indian standards it is). Along with that, my brother will soon visit too. While having family close by, having family live with you can bring conflict and the desire for balance. So, in light of recent events in our home, I have come to several thought-provoking several realizations over the past few days.

For one, it is really a roller coaster for all parties involved- my husband and I, and my daughter have to get adjusted to a new entity in our home which is family. While that is nice, we finally work out kinks in our system, get used to the person and the new “system” and then my mom is gone. So, we spend time trying to get retooled so to speak to life, the kitchen, and the lack of company. Conversely, I am sure my mom goes through the same process. She is queen of her castle back on the east coast and coming to be part of our house I am sure is a difficult transition for her as well. She gets used to it, develops a routine, creates a system for herself, and boom – it is gone a couple of months later and she is back at home, alone and without grandkid to keep her occupied.

Second, there is a fine balancing act when your newly formed family is living with another family- ie. what I refer to as a "joint family". I think there are especially problems when the person who lives with you does not know boundaries and you cannot establish them because of cultural norms. The balancing act is one of spending time with your spouse and children alone versus including that third party in your activities. It is essential to find privacy to talk with your spouse, spend quality time with your spouse outside the presence of that third person and continue to maintain balance with your kids. While your kids love grandma and grandpa, it is important that you are the final enforcer, disciplinarian, and decision maker with regards to curfew, discipline, food, and other issues. I think if the third party gets involved and exceed their boundaries, their involvement could undermine the entire balance between you and your kids.

Third, as I have learned recently, it is important to keep the channels of communication open between you and your spouse even if it means e-mailing, calling, or writing to each other to avoid an open dispute or discussion in front of the third party in your home. If the two of you can find a quiet private moment to talk-great, but if not, it is vital to at least communicate via other means so that you are on the same page and can still be a team when it comes to issues that may arise in the home.

I, for one, find it very difficult with someone else living with us even though I cherish the help. It is difficult because because it seems that we have gotten used to our life, and doing things our way and while my mom has been a big help, you sometimes wonder if it is worth it. I think having family living with you puts a strain on things as it is but for extended periods of time, it can be trying for a marriage. That was the case last time my mom was in town. For me, recently, I have experienced something a little different. I think because we have opened the communication channels and are able to talk about things, my spouse and I find our relationship strengthened. After all, we need to be team especially if we are going to tackle many issues as a team. I find myself closer to my spouse and hopefully that can continue as we journey the next two months. It is hard enough to balance life as a family of three or four (kids included) getting used to each other’s schedules, needs, and wants, and then to add a third party into the mix, to live as a joint family, is even more trying. I am not sure people in India and China even do it anymore (well, middle to upper class are moving away from that norm anyway).

I think the important thing is to find balance and to keep communication lines open so that all parties can get through it. Yelling and jumping to conclusions or making assumptions that are not true erode that balance so, it is better to talk things through logically and in a calm manner. In the end, I think people can live in joint families but it takes a lot of effort, understanding, balance, and communication. It requires appropriate boundaries and perhaps subtly discussing issues troubling the relationship. More importantly, for a successful venture, all parties require these important traits.