After marriage, is it appropriate to keep in touch with an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband? If so, does it matter to what degree you keep in touch. For example, if you were previously married and have kids, it is obvious that you may keep in touch for financial matters, care, visitation, etc. But, can you truly be friends with an ex and in a way, pick up where you left off with the friendship? I present these questions because a friend related a story to me and I began to wonder whether she could indeed keep an arm’s length friendship with an ex while being married to her absolutely trusting and great husband. I should mention that her husband is aware of her contact with her ex/friend and there is full disclosure. Of course, full disclosure is key and remaining forthright and honest with yourself and your spouse.
So as far as degrees, what is the boundary or what are the boundaries on a relationship with an ex? Can both parties truly remain friends without reverting back to “the way [they] were?” My theory on this is that if I was supposed to be married to the ex, I would have ended up with him – after all, you are not with that person because something did not work out romantically or for some other reason. So, you should be able to retain the friendship but then again, what if you are sharing things with this person that you cannot share with your spouse? What if you are more comfortable sharing your life with this friend than your own spouse? Then, I think there is something missing in your marriage that you may be seeking from this individual and what makes this situation dangerous is that this is not just a friend, there are deeper feelings involved so you should tread those waters carefully.
Obviously, it helps if both parties are happily married and settled in their lives so there is less temptation and ability to revert back to the way things were. Either way, it is always good practice to be honest with your spouse and yourself and if you find yourself enjoying your “friend’s” company more than your spouse or your needs are not being fulfilled by your spouse, you should keep the relationship with the ex in check. I am amazed at the amount of people who can stay friends with a previous relationship and still go on and lead great lives and relationships with other people. I do not know that I have that ability in me and I also think of a value-added principle when it comes to friendships and relationships in my life. So, if I am getting added value in my life from the presence of a friend, I know that this is a good thing and if I get no value from a relationship, then I assess whether I need to be in it. The same principle would apply to friendship with an ex- what is the benefit? What is the value? What does this person add to my life? If I find no value added in my life from it, I see no purpose in building or maintaining it. For me, the ex-factor is quite clear: my ex-boyfriends really do not add much value to my life. I suppose if they did, they would be in it.
