Back in March of 2008, I wrote a blog called "The Ex Factor"- check it out:
http://cluelessincolorado.blogspot.com/2008/03/ex-factor.html
Needless to say, this issue has arisen again and I am convinced more than ever that friendship with an ex could spell trouble. I am not talking about the occasional keeping in touch. By occasional, I mean once or twice a year, not every other month or calling. In short, I am skeptical when it comes to keeping in touch with an ex. Whether it is an ex-spouse or an ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend. Now, of course, it depends on the people and the extent of the relationship but I always think that people are people and while they intend to or not, they could revert back to old feelings, old times, and what is comfortable especially when things get uncomfortable in the present. It is very easy to fall prey to memories and old times and if you are keeping in touch with an ex regularly, I think it is that much easier to do so.
So, when I talked with a friend yesterday and she relayed a story to me so you can imagine my concern that my husband still keeps in touch with his ex-girlfriend. You read stories on-line too of such cases- the wife finds love letters between the ex and her husband, telephone calls on the cell phone, evidence of secret meetings, and credit card bills but alas, that is the old way of emotionally cheating on your spouse. Now, there is technology and even more for spouses to contend with. There are text messages to contend with, pay as you go cell phones (even terrorists use those), e-mails, chats and of course, Facebook. In this modern age of keeping in touch with every Tom, Dick, and Harry you ever knew, who is to be faulted for hooking up with an ex on-line? After all, you had a history with this person and it is so easy now- with a click of a mouse and a button, you are reviving old memories, updating each other on what is going on, sharing pictures of your private family moments, and texting. It was never so easy to physically and emotionally cheat on your spouse. Frankly, I am surprised I do not hear more stories like this. Fortunately, most of my friends are "happily" married - at least I do not hear about it.
But I could not help but wonder when I heard this, what is the necessity of keeping in touch with the past? What is so wrong with our present that we tap into the past to keep ourselves sated? Some people like to blame the marriage - maybe the wife isn't keeping things exciting enough- WHAT?! Are you kidding me? Some will blame the other party - why is "she" writing him back? Perhaps the problem is with your spouse's self image, insecurities, and lack of self esteem not to mention lack of self control. I firmly believe that when you look to someone of the opposite sex for comfort, to talk about things, or just wish to rekindle memories, you may be unhappy with your present. You feel you are lacking something and look for it elsewhere when you should be trying to work on your marriage. After all, that person you chose to be your life partner should be the one you confide in about such things. In the end, I think it is important to be honest with yourself and your spouse especially if your spouse objects to these "ex" communications. That is where mutual respect enters the equation and trust flows both ways. It takes two of course, to make a marriage and unfortunately, just a few minutes to destroy it or erode that trust completely. Trust, I like to think, begets trust.
Of course, one could also say with all that is going on in the world, what's the harm in keeping in touch with someone who was once so dear? The key words there are "once" and I also think it is a matter of trust and if that is established and lays a solid foundation for the marriage, then it would not matter if the spouse communicated with Tom, Dick, Harry, or even the ex. But if that trust is eroded, it may be in your best interest to just leave that ex in the past.
