I got a little glimpse this past week of what my life may become after my children grow up and move away. My husband took my daughter to visit his parents and sisters and there I was, waving good bye and kissing my 19-month old. As tears welled up in my eyes, I realized – man, this is going to be hard when she goes off to school, college, and one day decides to get married. I can completely understand why so many couples go through a weird stage in their marriage after the children have flown the coup completely. It seems my current routine (if I am at home or the weekend) revolves around my daughter- feeding her, making sure she gets a nap, playtime, making sure she is changed and diapered, and the routine sorta runs in circles until it is time for bathtime and bed again. Life stays so busy, you forget that you have to feed and bathe yourself too. That is where my husband and I tend to do well tag teaming to make sure each of us can get in exercise or alone time in, a shower, and of course, some food. Of course, as a child develops and grows, they go through different things - school, trips, birthdays, teen-troubles, etc. As these things present themselves, the parents nonetheless remain busy and involved.
Since my husband and my daughter took off yesterday, I was not sure what to do with myself. All of a sudden, I had a bunch of time on my hands and nothing really pressing. I wanted to get the clothes sorted and ready for arrival of Baby #2, and get the toys organized as well, but other than scrapbooking and watching a movie while I scrapbook, there was not anything really pressing. Sure, I can feed myself without the distraction of my daughter, and maintain cleanliness for a few days as opposed to a few minutes, but there is a certain sense of something missing in my life and my routine when my daughter and husband are away. I have not been alone in the house --- ever! We moved into this house and 3 weeks later, our daughter was born, and since then, I have not been alone in the house – strange indeed! I heard all the cracking noises and settling noises and high pitched wind noises you can imagine. No screaming or crying toddler in the middle of the night yet I did not sleep as soundly as I do when she is next to me or my husband is there.
So, I was reflecting on how couples might cope after the kids leave the house. Many marriages do not take kindly to removal of the buffer children. Other marriages grow even stronger. In my office, there is a couple with 5 kids- all grown and gone away. Their marriage has grown even stronger it seems. Another couple just separated after their youngest flew the coop at 19. They did not know each other anymore – they only saw each other through the kids’ eyes. This entire thing has got me thinking: I think there are three serious teething periods in a marriage: The first comes when you get married and/or move in together. I think that is a huge adjustment period for couples. Whose things stay? Whose goes? Are both Type A and ALPHA or is one giving everything up? The right balance needs to be struck and it takes time and often, gets frustrating. The second period comes after a child is born into the marriage. If you haven’t worked out the first teething period, chances are, this period will be even tougher because everyone has a different idea on how to raise kids. However, as long as a couple communicates through this very important teething period, an understanding can be reached and balance can be achieved- each agreeing to give and take so the other can still be an individual, a spouse, and a parent. The third teething period comes around retirement or during the empty-nest period. This is when the buffer-kids are gone. Neither spouse has the children in the home anyway to consume their time, and soccer, baseball, tennis and swim lessons have all given way to quiet evenings at home with a lot of spare time. No PTA meetings, no school dances, and no family trips. The focus now is on the individual and the marriage and not the kid. As an attorney providing legal assistance to many individuals who are either seeking divorce or on the receiving end, I always found it odd (before I had my own child) when the 20 or 30-years of marriage couple came to seek a divorce. It just seemed odd to me but I guess I can understand as it is a teething period and like all adjustment periods, in a marriage, if two people cannot overcome it, they decide to call it quits. I can imagine how hard it is to readjust each other, learn about activities that the other likes, and try to find things to do together - common interests help but common values help even more.
In any case, I think all teething periods require a lot of effort of both spouses but it certainly does help to know what is going on and what stage you are both in or you could feel like you do not know the other person and could decide it is a different person. When in fact, your spouse is not a different person - you have just been so occupied that you did not stop and look, listen, or get involved with that other person. So, it is time to get re-oriented. I am so glad my hubbie and daughter will return tomorrow. Right now, we have the excitement of another child coming into our home and empty-nest syndrome is still a ways off, but in the meantime, when we reach another minor teething period, I hope that we can look back, read this blog, and realize what we both need to do.
