My mom is currently living with us and she tends to be pretty old school about things in general – life, hobbies, raising family, and the roles that people should play in life. For example, she did not work when we were growing up, thus affording us the opportunity to have a full-time parent at our disposal 24-7. However, this came at a cost of my mom, dad, and my brother and I going without things and living within our means. It also meant my dad had to work harder and try to contribute to his retirement while feeding, educating, and clothing us. My mom said something interesting the other day when we heard a friend that I grew up with was getting divorced. She could not understand why this gal’s husband was such a louse after 2 kids – didn’t he understand responsibility and most importantly, sacrifice? My mom gave up countless hobbies to raise us. I am still at a loss to understand why but nonetheless this is touted as the cornerstone of raising children- sacrifice. I can understand going without so your child can have an education, clothes, food, but giving up things you may want to do seems a little extreme to our generation.
Now, I can understand if your hobbies are toxic- ie., drinking, smoking, recreational drugs, partying til 4am with the girls every weekend, etc., those are more lifestyle changes than giving up coin collecting, scrapbooking, poker with the boys, making jewelry, pottery, etc. And, we all have to make lifestyle changes when a kid comes along because let's face it - you can't do the exact same thing and expect the child to just fall in place. Also, if you can’t find time to do something, that may be a different matter. When I make a choice, it is usually between napping/sleeping OR doing something like watching a movie, going out, or scrapbooking into the wee hours of the night. For me, those choices tend to be a no brainer- I tend to always choose sleep! But, I do get to make the choice.
I think some parents of my mom’s generation believed sacrifice was the only way to raise a family- go without, give up things, and make choices to give up things that did not comport with a family lifestyle. Conversely, these days, you hear more and more parents of our generation using terms like “balance” and “choice” as opposed to sacrifice. For our generation, it is not about how much you gave up but rather, how well you can strike a balance between all the things you love- family, home, and those hobbies you enjoyed doing before you had a family. Once again, I am referring to activities and hobbies here not lifestyle changes. Some lifestyle changes are unfortunately, necessary. For example, I cannot sleep until noon any longer. I would feel wrong doing so as well because the weekends are the only time I get with my daughter it seems. In that sense, I do make a sacrifice of sleep but I do not even think of it that way - it is just something moms do. I think it is important to try to balance the important facets of your life. I remember my parents relaying stories of how they never went out or to movies because they did not want to leave us with a babysitter. I, on the other hand, think it is very important to carve out time for your spouse and each other and ensure that you have quiet times without the child- whether at home, at the movies, at a nice restaurant, or out on the town, it is important to have a date night. It is just as important for me to get out and get a massage or alone time to read a paper. It just clears my head. Once again, it is about balance not sacrifice. In either case, I find it interesting to hear stories about what my parents gave up or did not do as a result of us. It almost makes you feel bad when you hear the stories. Granted, I do not think we are better off or worse off as adults because our parents did those things. There are plenty of kids who turn out just fine and they went to a baby sitter occasionally or went to child care full-time. If anything, I think kids who grow up in a balanced home and observe balanced parents may actually fare better because they see how important it is to bring balance into their lives as well.
In the end, there is not a right or wrong way when it comes to this but I do think it is important to note how different two generations can be when it comes to even the simplest things.
