My mother has returned to stay with us for a couple of months and with that comes my dad to visit for a short period of time (okay, so 10 days is not short by American standards but by Indian standards it is). Along with that, my brother will soon visit too. While having family close by, having family live with you can bring conflict and the desire for balance. So, in light of recent events in our home, I have come to several thought-provoking several realizations over the past few days.
For one, it is really a roller coaster for all parties involved- my husband and I, and my daughter have to get adjusted to a new entity in our home which is family. While that is nice, we finally work out kinks in our system, get used to the person and the new “system” and then my mom is gone. So, we spend time trying to get retooled so to speak to life, the kitchen, and the lack of company. Conversely, I am sure my mom goes through the same process. She is queen of her castle back on the east coast and coming to be part of our house I am sure is a difficult transition for her as well. She gets used to it, develops a routine, creates a system for herself, and boom – it is gone a couple of months later and she is back at home, alone and without grandkid to keep her occupied.
Second, there is a fine balancing act when your newly formed family is living with another family- ie. what I refer to as a "joint family". I think there are especially problems when the person who lives with you does not know boundaries and you cannot establish them because of cultural norms. The balancing act is one of spending time with your spouse and children alone versus including that third party in your activities. It is essential to find privacy to talk with your spouse, spend quality time with your spouse outside the presence of that third person and continue to maintain balance with your kids. While your kids love grandma and grandpa, it is important that you are the final enforcer, disciplinarian, and decision maker with regards to curfew, discipline, food, and other issues. I think if the third party gets involved and exceed their boundaries, their involvement could undermine the entire balance between you and your kids.
Third, as I have learned recently, it is important to keep the channels of communication open between you and your spouse even if it means e-mailing, calling, or writing to each other to avoid an open dispute or discussion in front of the third party in your home. If the two of you can find a quiet private moment to talk-great, but if not, it is vital to at least communicate via other means so that you are on the same page and can still be a team when it comes to issues that may arise in the home.
I, for one, find it very difficult with someone else living with us even though I cherish the help. It is difficult because because it seems that we have gotten used to our life, and doing things our way and while my mom has been a big help, you sometimes wonder if it is worth it. I think having family living with you puts a strain on things as it is but for extended periods of time, it can be trying for a marriage. That was the case last time my mom was in town. For me, recently, I have experienced something a little different. I think because we have opened the communication channels and are able to talk about things, my spouse and I find our relationship strengthened. After all, we need to be team especially if we are going to tackle many issues as a team. I find myself closer to my spouse and hopefully that can continue as we journey the next two months. It is hard enough to balance life as a family of three or four (kids included) getting used to each other’s schedules, needs, and wants, and then to add a third party into the mix, to live as a joint family, is even more trying. I am not sure people in India and China even do it anymore (well, middle to upper class are moving away from that norm anyway).
I think the important thing is to find balance and to keep communication lines open so that all parties can get through it. Yelling and jumping to conclusions or making assumptions that are not true erode that balance so, it is better to talk things through logically and in a calm manner. In the end, I think people can live in joint families but it takes a lot of effort, understanding, balance, and communication. It requires appropriate boundaries and perhaps subtly discussing issues troubling the relationship. More importantly, for a successful venture, all parties require these important traits.
